Stepmother Woes
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a full-time stepmom to 13 and 15 yr old stepsons. We also have a 6 year old son. Problem is with the 15 year old. He got all A’s and B’s first semester and now is acting like he doesn’t give a crap. Taking away privileges such as his cell phone, video games, friends and computer doesn’t seem to matter to him. It’s like he doesn’t care. It drives me crazy because my husband (the dad) can’t seem to raise his voice to put a little scare in the kid. I think the boy needs a fire lit under his butt. Should I just ignore this or what?
Signed,
Stepping Out of My Mind
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Dear Stepping Out,
I feel for you. For all the literature out there on parenting, the step-parenting materials seem to deal mostly with Cinderella. What’s a stepmom to do?
You don’t mention where your stepsons’ mother is in all this, so I am forced to assume that she is out of the picture. But even if she isn’t, this is a conversation between you and your husband.
Tell your husband that you are concerned about CinderEl. Teenagers are weirdoes. It’s one thing for a child to let his grades drop a bit, but when a kid loses interest in vital items like electronics and friends, all sorts of alarms should be going off. Is he depressed? In crisis? You and your husband may need to speak to his teachers and guidance counselor about this.
If you receive a clean bill of mental health from all the professionals involved and all the drug tests that you’ve performed on his hair samples come back negative, it’s time for the next phase. You, your husband and CinderEl need to sit down and you have to explain to him what the expectations are. Ask him what the consequences should be. (Personally, I’ve found that teenagers are motivated by cash, and taking their allowance from them is a real teenage Come To Jesus moment.)
Good luck. Step-parenting is not for wimps.
Love,
Marinka
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The School of Hard Knocks
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve switched schools a couple times and now I’m having trouble finding friends. I recently moved back to my old neighborhood but my old friends there have really changed. When I last met them, we were honor students. Now, some of these people are flunking their classes and acting really immature. They can, at times, be shallow, conceited, lewd, and all of that, but I sort of still want to be their friend. The problem is that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. What do I do?
Signed,
School Sucks
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Dear School Sucks,
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think back to 1985. (Yes, I know you weren’t alive back then, but let’s just get in the WayBack machine for a moment.) Okay, it’s the mid-80′s and we see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm. A girl who loves Wham! and Ray-Bans and acid wash jeans. We watch the girl happily hanging out with her group of friends at Contempo Casuals in the mall, but then–oh, no! Tragedy strikes! The girl is devastated to find out that she has to move 3,000 miles away—-right before the start of her Junior year in high school! What ever will she do now?
Well, here’s what I, I mean the slightly chubby girl, did: since she didn’t know anyone, she decided to make a fresh start. She was nice to everyone, she studied hard, she ignored the obnoxious, wild kids, and she tried to just be herself. (Not always easily done, and kind of a cliche, but that last thing’s pretty crucial.) After a few months of Saturday nights spent at home with her parents, the girl finally joined a few clubs, started playing sports, and lo and behold, she met a couple of really cool friends who liked her for who she was and held the same values that she did. And the best part is, they’re still her close friends over 20 years later.
What I’m trying to tell you is, you should make a fresh start, too. Don’t get hung up on the kids you used to know. They’ve changed, but you’ve probably changed a little, too. Middle school and high school are all about forming your own identity, about finding out who you are, what you’re all about and where you fit in. It may not seem like it, but that’s exactly what the “shallow, conceited, and lewd” kids are doing, too. (And here’s a little secret: all of them are completely insecure, too.) (And most of them will be fat and bald and working at Jiffy Lube by your 10-year reunion.)
So do what it is you like. Do what you think is fun. And chances are, while you’re doing it, you’re going to meet a lot of new friends. Before long, you’ll forget all about those kids you “used to know” and school will a piece of cake. You’ll be just fine.
Oh, and one last thing: promise me that if you happen to see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm one day in the lunchroom, you’ll go over and say “hi.” I hear she’s trying to start up a Wham! fan club.
All the best,
Wendi, TMH
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Terrifed of Adolescence aka I Rode the Bull
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The Fast and the Furious Teenager
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My 13 year-old daughter has been stealing my husband’s sports car and going on joy rides while we’re at work or asleep. She has broken the lock on our room to get the keys out of the dresser, taken keys from my purse while I’m in the shower, and even broken into my husband’s lock box to steal keys. She says she has an addiction to taking the car.
Her father, my ex, just thinks I need to hide keys better and it’s my own fault. I’ve taken away the computer and her cell phone, plus grounded her for the remainder of the year while she’s with me. But when it’s her week to stay with her dad, he lets her have friends over and he bought her an even better cell phone and four-wheeler. This weekend she’s with me and she wants to go to a party that I won’t let her go to (because she’s grounded), so she’s just staying with him. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired Mother of a Teenager
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Dear Tired,
Before I even finished reading your letter, I started madly Googling boot camps because it did wonders for Liam Court on “90210.” Have you seen how much sweeter he is to Naomi now? I think he really loves her. And my gosh, does he smolder with sex appeal.
Oh, sorry. Let me refocus.
Your teenager is completely out of control and she’s only 13. You have six more teenage years ahead of you! Your daughter is not only defying you, but she’s putting herself in serious danger by illegally driving without a license.
Does your husband have another car? I’m assuming “yes,” since his sports car seems readily available. Go park that sports car at a friend’s house. The farther away the better and don’t tell your daughter where it is. Keep the car there until you can get things straightened out at home. I don’t keep peanut butter cups in my house because we all know I’ll end up licking those wrappers sparkly clean. Sometimes you just have to remove the obsession to control a behavior.
At this point, your punishments are too severe to even mean anything. Grounded for the remainder of the year? She has no incentive to change her behavior because to a teenager, that is a lifetime. Perhaps she can earn back some of the grounded time with good behavior. Or get her cell phone back for a few days if she helps do chores around the house. Be creative. And of course, make sure she knows that you love her, just not her INSANE Mario Andretti behavior.
Your ex-husband is your biggest challenge in this scenario. Until you two are on the same page, this situation will never get better. He is sabotaging your efforts to discipline your child. I’m guessing the two of you don’t have a great relationship. You need to talk to him and perhaps get a third party involved (an unbiased friend, a therapist, etc.) who can help you both negotiate a discipline strategy for your daughter. And then you both need to sign it and stick with it. Teenagers need consistency.
Finally (I know, I can’t shut-up today), spend some serious quality time with your teenager. As much as you can. Whatever she wants to do. Except car racing.
Good luck to you. Please keep us posted.
Love,
Kelcey, TMH
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Grow Up Already!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
How do you get your grown daughters to act like adults and quit asking Mommy to bail them out?
Signed,
BondMom
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Dear BondMom,
Remember that great line from “Field of Dreams”: “If you build it, they will come”? Well, a corollary to that, although totally unexplored in the film, is “if you keep bailing them out, they’ll continue to depend on it.” So, the short answer is the next time your adult daughter comes by expecting you to get her out of a nightmare of her own making, don’t do it. I’m sure that it will require a superhuman effort to refrain from leaping to her rescue, but what else is motherhood if not an exercise in miraculous self-restraint?
Of course I spent forty minutes this afternoon doing a CSI of my daughter’s room in an effort to find her shin guards before the soccer game. Sure, I could have let it go and let her experience the consequence of her actions and let her plan soccer shinguardless, but she’s my baby! And they’re her shins! My baby’s shins!
I assume your daughter is older (I am relying heavily on the “adult”, you see!) but your maternal desire to protect, shield and save is just as strong as always. When she is in a non-crisis mode, let her know that while you will always love her, you do expect her to face the consequences of her actions. And who knows? She may appreciate the opportunity to act her age.
Yours in Motherhood,
Marinka
Please check out The Mouthy Housewives review of the Swiffer hand held duster. It’s super fancy and magical! And we want to share it with you!
