My 15 year old son is very disrespectful. He argues all the time and he lies. I’ve grounded him. I’ve taken everything away. He just doesn’t care. I don’t know what else to do. Are there any other options?

Signed,

Beyond My Wit’s End

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Dear Beyond My Wit’s End,

Unfortunately, it does sound like your home has a full-blown teenager infestation. You could call an exterminator or an exorcist? But once a home has been taken over by these extremely hormonal hominids it can be very difficult to get rid of them until voting age begins and even then it’s not a guarantee. They may even leave only to return at the age of 30.

One tactic you may not have tried yet is to take advantage of the teenager’s strong distaste for embarrassment and their stalwart denial of parental existence. This approach will require you to undergo a bit of a transformation. Nothing says dedicated parental units like a middle-aged Snooki and a 50-year old Biebs showering affection on their teenage son, in public, in full view of hundreds of his “closest” friends and acquaintances. After one of these interactions it’s quite possible to get your son to shape up simply out of fear of a replay.

Another option, although less creative and exciting, can be counseling for the teenager alone and, also for the family together. This can be extremely helpful given that the brain, mainly the cerebral cortex where planning, self-control, and judgment are developed, in a fifteen year old hasn’t yet fully matured (and won’t until the early 20’s…sorry). In short, the main focus of the teenage years is to live through them with minimal damage. This can be helped along by a trained therapist and some bite guards for the parents. Also, wine….lots of wine…for the mom.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

What do you do when your mom is so mad at you that she wants you out of the house?

Signed,

Asking for a Friend

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Dear Asking for a Friend,

Your question doesn’t tell us much about your situation. But the fact that you’re reaching out for help seems to be a good sign, I’d say, and suggests you’re up to the task of trying to patch up this disconnect with your mom. So, good for you!

::flashes cool, hip, trendy, teenager hand gesture::

Because I don’t know the particulars, I figured we could work ourselves through some typical teenager/parent discord scenarios. Let’s say you’re a teenaged girl who has just lied to her mother and spent the night out partying with friends, making poor decisions about your health, and engaging in morally questionable activities with boys. For, like, the third time. (Just off the top of my head. Ahem.)

Or let’s say you’re a teenaged boy that’s gotten caught up with the wrong crowd, strung a web of lies that all started when you played hookie one day from school, rigged your bed to make it look like you were home sleeping, stole a friend’s father’s car, crashed a ritzy NYC restaurant, attended a major league baseball game, nearly got foiled by your sister named Jennifer Grey, and drove your school principal into early retirement.

Or maybe you’ve just moved to a small, country town, where rock-n-roll dancing has been outlawed, and you start a dancing revolution that gets you arrested and gives the whole town something to talk about and puts the name Kevin Bacon on the map, and then they go and remake it AND EVERYTHING IS RUINED BY YOU YOUNGSTERS AND IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!

…

Excuse me. Where was I? Oh, right…

For any one of these situations, your mother is going to be feeling betrayed, powerless, and completely sick with worry about whether you’ll make it to age 20. Fortunately, they all call for the same solution in working to correct the situation: you talk. You talk to your mother and understand each other. You listen to her concerns. You tell her about your feelings. And you reach an agreement about how you move forward, and YOU STICK TO IT. Your mom wants to be able to trust you, and the only way to regain that is to put your words to action, and start stepping up a bit. It may seem nearly impossible, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made. Or, you know, your friend.

::flashes cool, hip, trendy, teenager hand gesture::

Go get ‘em, tiger!

Kristine, TMH

We have an incredible babysitter. She’s our neighbor’s teenage granddaughter and she is just the sweetest thing. She always plays with the kids and she even washed the dinner dishes one time without being asked. Amazing! Here’s the rub: we have no idea what her last name is. To be honest, we only use her maybe 3 or 4 times a year and our kids are school age, not babies. But it hit me the other day that we’re leaving the kids with someone when we didn’t even know her last name. Does this make us terribly irresponsible parents?

Signed,

No Name, No Problem?

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Dear No Name, No Problem,

As every parent knows, a good babysitter is hard to find. You want someone who’s responsible, dependable, nice to your kids and also on a very strict diet so she won’t eat all of the cheesecake and Dove chocolates you stash in the recycling bin. It can be a tall order.

That’s why it’s no big surprise that you didn’t do your due diligence when you found this young lady. You like her, your kids like her and she’s related to your neighbors—why bother with something as silly as last names? After all, none of the evil babysitters in Lifetime movies have last names. The middle-aged wife usually just sobs something like, “Yes, detective, she stole my Honda Odyssey and my husband! She’s blonde and her name is Madison, that’s all I know! Oh, Gawd, why is this happening?!” and then 40 minutes later, Madison No Last Name Required is in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs and on her way to meet her new prison girlfriend. I’ve seen it a million times.

But if it’s important to you that you find out her surname, here’s a trick you can try: The next time she’s there, tell her you have to pay her via check, then ask her how to spell her last name. There’s a 50/50 chance it’ll be something obvious like, “Smith” and then she’ll think you’re a dumbass, but at least you’ll finally know.

Or, simply tell your kids to find out for you. Maybe they can play a game called, “Census Taker” or “DMV Registration Lady” and have her fill out a form with her information. She won’t be the wiser and, if you’re lucky, you may even get her social security number.

Which will definitely come in handy if she ever drives your minivan to Mexico with your husband.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

Image source

How do we know to be this fearful? Because we’ve all been there! At 15, I remember thinking it was completely reasonable to do a beer bong after three wine coolers at a party where my friend and I knew absolutely no one. Because being a drunk teenage girl in the middle of a house full of strangers is completely safe.

My mother and step-father were cops so I did, in fact, know better. To this day, my sister and I can recite verbatim a fair number of stories where our mom had to be the one to knock on a parent’s door and tell them their teenager had been killed in a drunk driving accident. And yet, we didn’t listen. It’s only by sheer luck that we are both still here.

These days, I’m a fairly relaxed parent. For example, my son is able to wear whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if that means I’m accompanying a pirate to the grocery store in the middle of summer. But when I think of his teenage years, I become less laid back. I still believe in giving a child the space and freedom to make choices. However, I also know that once those hormones kick in and there’s a driver’s license involved, all logic goes out the window and peer pressure is paramount. In those instances, a device like Soberlink can be instrumental. If you have a teenager, take a few minutes to check this out:

In my opinion, there are just some situations where a choice shouldn’t be an option. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you use something like Soberlink when your teenager takes the car out for a night on the town?

- Tonya, TMH

Thank you to Soberlink for sponsoring this post.

My mother in law’s kitchen burned down which led to damage to the rest of the house, so she and her 16 year-old son are staying with us for a while. But it’s only been 2 weeks and, already, I can’t take it anymore. She’s a conniving, two-faced drama queen. It never bothered me before because we rarely saw her. Now my husband, 2 year old and I share our apartment with her and her son.

They have taken over my life. I haven’t had a minute alone with my husband since they got here. She won’t eat my food, and when she cooks she turns my kitchen into a salmonella- infested war zone. They don’t knock. They’re filthy. They’re loud. They are everything I hate in this world. But… she has nowhere else to go.

I’m 6 months pregnant. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. How can I get her to respect that it’s my house and that I need privacy, peace and quiet, without having her throw an award winning sob fest while making me look like a monster? Help!

Signed,

Frustrated

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Dear Frustrated,

Living in such close quarters with so many people would be maddening under the best of circumstances. Your situation, however, sounds like an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, peppered with a little bit of Super Nanny and infused with Hoarders.

As much as you cannot change her or your brother-in-law’s behavior, you can absolutely lay some ground rules.  Any success with that, however, is probably going to be contingent on your husband. This is his mother, and if she’s prone to drama and victim-playing, it will be much easier for him to establish an understanding without her pegging you as some sort of tyrant.

As awkward as it may be at first, some firmness and rules should help relieve some of your stress. It’s not unfair for you to request that she clean up after cooking, for instance. Both you and your  toddler can be more susceptible to viruses and infection; her selfishness and laziness should not be catered to at the expense of your health. Of course, delivery is key, so avoid phrases like “I hate you” or “you’re ruining my life” or “here’s the number to the motor lodge.” Instead opt for phrases such as “to help us all feel more comfortable” or “to avoid conflict” or “so that I don’t end up duct-taping you and your son and throwing you both in a hall closet.” That kind of thing.

Now, if the discussion turns into a confrontation, try to work on the problem from another angle. Reach out to her friends or other family to see if they can host them for even just a week at a time. Also, consider overseeing or helping to expedite the clean-up process at her house, since it will only benefit you in the long run. Whatever you do, be selfish. Advocate for yourself in your own home, and get your husband’s complete support in dealing with his I’m-sure-she’s-lovely-but-omfg-I’m-glad-she’s-not-mine mother.

Godspeed,

Kristine, TMH

My 17 year-old son (18 in December) has decided he is going to start making his own decisions and stop living by my rules. This means he is going to continue to smoke pot when he’s hanging out with his friends.  I’ve restricted him three times already and began drug testing, but it doesn’t help. Unless I lock him up and throw away the key, he said he will continue to get stoned because he likes the way it makes him feel. He thinks I should look the other way and let him smoke pot as long as he keeps his grades up, has a job, and is not getting into any trouble. By the way, his father and I are divorced, and my ex-husband doesn’t really want to push the issue with him. Thoughts, suggestions, or am I overreacting?

Signed,

Mary Jane

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Dear Mary Jane,

First, my heart goes out to you. This sounds like an incredibly difficult and scary situation to be in, and you’ve clearly been busting your ass to try to make things work. Regarding the should-I-just-let-him-smoke-pot issue, my response, is a resounding NO EFFING WAY. Because it’s clear to me that it’s not okay with you.

The bottom line is that, regardless of his age, he’s still living in your home. So, if we ignore the whole drug issue momentarily, we still have the fundamental problem of rule-breaking and blatant disrespect.  To put it mildly: your son is being a total jerk. (The good news is that we can still love our children even while they’re being jerky. I’ve verified this with my own kids.)

This testing of boundaries and independence is certainly a natural part of growing up, but it doesn’t mean we as parents should just look the other way. Exactly why your son has turned to drugs is a serious issue that needs to be explored. I would strongly recommend seeking a support network and talking about this with an experienced family therapist. Family counseling can be invaluable when the child views you as an enemy rather than an ally. A mediator can get those lines of communication back open. (Which is nice, since kids don’t seem to respond well to the I LABORED FOR 24 HOURS WITH YOU, YOU SELFISH SONOFA–)

If you can’t get your son to agree to counseling, you might need to take extreme measures. (And I think physical restraints are “frowned upon,” unfortunately.) Since keeping him in your home is essentially enabling the very behavior you’re trying to curb, you might need to help him find alternate living arrangements until he’s ready to function as a responsible, respectful adult. You certainly deserve that much as his mother.

We all wish you luck,

Kristine, TMH

As the teenage daughter of what I’d like to describe as one hell of an overbearing mother, I have a question. Is there any surefire way to calm down an angry mother? My problem is simple: my mother gets mad and stays mad at me for things that are often as simple as me putting my jacket on the back of my seat as opposed to hanging it on a coat rack.

Is there any honest-to-god way to placate my mother? Because I’ve noticed that reminding her that “Hey, at least I’m not a druggie” and “We’re all going to die someday, what’s the big deal?” do NOT work at all.

Signed,

Too Much Mama Drama

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Dear Mama Drama,

You know why your mom is so damn bat crazy mad? Because she has been telling you to hang up your jacket for ten years. Ten years. And she’s had it. JUST HANG UP THE JACKET FOR GOSH SAKES!!!!! THE HOOK IS RIGHT THERE!!!

And she’s probably stressed out about other stuff like her crap boss, bills, her allergies and that faucet upstairs that won’t stop leaking even though the plumber has come three god damn times.  And some of this anger gets misdirected at you.  Just this morning, I spent 20 minutes yelling at my husband about the way he brews coffee when I was really upset about my daughters having separation anxiety on the first day of camp.

I suggest the following….

1. Hang up your coat. We’ll all wait while you go do it now. See, doesn’t it look nice on the rack instead of thrown over that chair? I don’t know about you but I feel better already.

2. During a calm time, talk to your mother about your feelings. Say that you are trying your hardest to please her but you feel like she is mad at you all the time. Just talking about things can make all the difference. (And no you can not substitute texting, emailing or Skyping for talking.) Try to figure out ways the two of you can communicate and coexist better together.

3. Whenever you can, be nice to your mom. Tell her about your day. Keep eyeball rolling to a minimum. Try not to groan when she asks you do something. Bring home her favorite chocolate malt balls. Tell her you love her. All of these things will hopefully make your mom feel warm and fuzzy. And a lot less mad.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

My son is in the 8^th grade and is generally a good kid, however he has become mouthy. Nothing too bad (no cussing or nasty things), but he is condescending to both his father and me. Already this school year we have been fighting about homework and that’s when he gets mouthy.

He could care less about homework or doing well in school. I am pulling my hair out because I can’t make him care. I have hired a tutor and tried taking away privileges. His homework is posted online so I check to see what needs to be done. I remind and encourage him to do his work, which I know is the reason he won’t take responsibility for his own work.

I worry that he will end up failing this year because I am not “supporting” him. I never do his homework for him, I only check to see what needs to be done and remind him on a daily basis. I feel like he is barely staying afloat and I am his life preserver. If I take the preserver off, he will surely drown. Please help!

Signed,
Harried by Homework

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Dear Harried,

From what I hear teenagers suck, so the sooner we accept that the faster serenity will come, especially if serenity comes in a martini glass, which for me it does. But even if they suck, we still love them and want the best for them.

I know the media likes to blame the advent of helicopter parenting on our insecure egos, but between you and me, I like to blame school technology.  Do I really need an email every time my 4^th grader takes an Accelerated Reader test? I have to wonder whether all of the internet checks and balances promotes too much mommy involvement and hampers life’s lessons in personal responsibility.

Your son is in 8^th grade now. Sure, ask if he’s finished his homework, but perhaps it’s time to stop tracking his assignments so closely.  If you don’t believe your son is capable of learning responsibility, how will he believe in himself?

Assuming you’ve ruled out any learning disabilities, your son has probably reached an age where it’s time to let go a little more. Now, I’m not too sure about a “sink or swim” approach. I think I’d lean more towards a “do well in school or face castration!” approach. That usually scares teenage boys into submission, especially if you whisper words such as “eunuch” to him while he sleeps.

If that approach seems a bit extreme to you, I guess you could do something very sensible, like a mature conversation about the importance of education, defining your expectations (Are Cs acceptable, nothing below a B?), how you’re willing to help him and how you’re not, and consequences for irresponsible, dunce-y behavior. And let’s not forget an enticing reward for success, such as keeping his testicles!

This whole parenting thing is tough, which is why I’m convinced God gave us alcohol. I hope I’ve given you some ideas of what to do, or at the very least prevented any further bald patches on your gorgeous head.

Signed,
Heather, TMH

I am a full-time stepmom to 13 and 15 yr old stepsons. We also have a 6 year old son. Problem is with the 15 year old. He got all A’s and B’s first semester and now is acting like he doesn’t give a crap. Taking away privileges such as his cell phone, video games, friends and computer doesn’t seem to matter to him. It’s like he doesn’t care. It drives me crazy because my husband (the dad) can’t seem to raise his voice to put a little scare in the kid. I think the boy needs a fire lit under his butt. Should I just ignore this or what?

Signed,

Stepping Out of My Mind

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Dear Stepping Out,

I feel for you.  For all the literature out there on parenting, the step-parenting materials seem to deal mostly with Cinderella.  What’s a stepmom to do?

You don’t mention where your stepsons’ mother is in all this, so I am forced to assume that she is out of the picture.  But even if she isn’t, this is a conversation between you and your husband.

Tell your husband that you are concerned about CinderEl.   Teenagers are weirdoes.  It’s one thing for a child to let his grades drop a bit, but when a kid loses interest in vital items like electronics and friends, all sorts of alarms should be going off.  Is he depressed?  In crisis?  You and your husband may need to speak to his teachers and guidance counselor about this.

If you receive a clean bill of mental health from all the professionals involved and all the drug tests that you’ve performed on his hair samples come back negative, it’s time for the next phase.  You, your husband and CinderEl need to sit down and you have to explain to him what the expectations are.  Ask him what the consequences should be. (Personally, I’ve found that teenagers are motivated by cash, and taking their allowance from them is a real teenage Come To Jesus moment.)

Good luck.  Step-parenting is not for wimps.

Love,

Marinka

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I’ve switched schools a couple times and now I’m having trouble finding friends. I recently moved back to my old neighborhood but my old friends there have really changed. When I last met them, we were honor students. Now, some of these people are flunking their classes and acting really immature. They can, at times, be shallow, conceited, lewd, and all of that, but I sort of still want to be their friend. The problem is that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. What do I do?

Signed,

School Sucks

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Dear School Sucks,

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think back to 1985. (Yes, I know you weren’t alive back then, but let’s just get in the WayBack machine for a moment.) Okay, it’s the mid-80′s and we see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm. A girl who loves Wham! and Ray-Bans and acid wash jeans. We watch the girl happily hanging out with her group of friends at Contempo Casuals in the mall, but then–oh, no! Tragedy strikes! The girl is devastated to find out that she has to  move 3,000 miles away—-right before the start of her Junior year in high school! What ever will she do now?

Well, here’s what I, I mean the slightly chubby girl, did:  since she didn’t know anyone, she decided to make a fresh start. She was nice to everyone, she studied hard, she ignored the obnoxious, wild kids, and she tried to just be herself. (Not always easily done, and kind of a cliche, but that last thing’s pretty crucial.) After a few months of Saturday nights spent at home with her parents, the girl finally joined a few clubs, started playing sports, and lo and behold, she met a couple of really cool friends who liked her for who she was and held the same values that she did. And the best part is, they’re still her close friends over 20 years later.

What I’m trying to tell you is, you should make a fresh start, too. Don’t get hung up on the kids you used to know. They’ve changed, but you’ve probably changed a little, too. Middle school and high school are all about forming your own identity, about finding out who you are, what you’re all about and where you fit in. It may not seem like it, but that’s exactly what the “shallow, conceited, and lewd” kids are doing, too. (And here’s a little secret: all of them are completely insecure, too.) (And most of them will be fat and bald and working at Jiffy Lube by your 10-year reunion.)

So do what it is you like. Do what you think is fun. And chances are, while you’re doing it, you’re going to meet a lot of new friends. Before long, you’ll forget all about those kids you “used to know” and school will a piece of cake. You’ll be just fine.

Oh, and one last thing: promise me that if you happen to see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm one day in the lunchroom, you’ll go over and say “hi.” I hear she’s trying to start up a Wham! fan club.

All the best,

Wendi, TMH