Are you one of the lucky people going to BlogHer ’11 in San Diego this week? You are? Then you probably already know that whether this is your first blogging conference or your 10th, being surrounded by so many bloggers can be overwhelming. Fortunately, you have the Mouthy Housewives to help you prepare.

Here are our exclusive tips to having a great time at BlogHer—trust us, you’re not  going to get advice like this from anyone else:

Wake up in the hotel room and enjoy the fact that you will not have to clean it.

Have a few bloggers that you’d like to meet and then introduce yourself.  Preferably while giving them a pastry.

Practice giving out your business cards in front of a mirror.  This doesn’t come naturally to most people.

If you’re too shy to approach new people, hire a representative to network on your behalf so you can hide in your room and order room service wine by the bottle. (Make sure the representative looks just like you, but 10 years younger and/or  10 ounces lighter.)

Don’t let anyone make you feel silly for taking advantage of free stuff. Unless you’re going crazy over those dishwasher soap samples because, come on. That’s just embarrassing and desperate.

Dress to impress! We recommend a floor-length ball gown or tuxedo. This is your professional brand on the line, after all. You also can’t go wrong with an all-leather look.

Confused about which panel to attend? Just go to the room where you hear laughter, not snoring, coming from the audience. And remember, there are no dumb questions unless they’re about your cat. Or pastrami sandwiches.

Going to one of the wild BlogHer parties? Then plan on gettin’ down wif yo bad self. In other words, get out of the corner and start dancing. Trust us, there’s no way you’ll be the worst one on the floor. And if you are, you’ll get lots of free publicity for your brand when someone posts you on YouTube with the title, “Worst Dancer at BlogHer San Diego.”

Do not attempt to organize a Beliebers cocktail party.

Bring something to hand out at BlogHer that has your web address on it so people can remember your blog.  We recommend lawn chairs or miniature ponies.

During the sessions, make sure to tweet every six or seven minutes. If you can’t think of anything clever and funny to say, pretend you’re reading an important email from your imaginary literary agent.

Do not drink so much that you wake up in the middle of the night, fully clothed, spooning your roommate who you just met the day before.

Remember the Geek Bar is not a place to meet hot accountants or order a martini.

If you’ve brought your Valium remember it’s important to share. This does not mean, however, that you can’t charge a little something for your “troubles.” (Unless it’s one of us, then it’s very very important to share.)

Bring a purse large enough to accommodate a box of Franzia and a bag of Cheetos. You will get thirsty and hungry. Always be prepared.

To make the best impression possible have a few memorized lyrics on hand, say, from a new Eminem song. Add a grill and some dope hand gestures for extra emphasis.

If you find that you have inadvertently tucked your skirt into your underwear, don’t worry, just own it. And if possible, have a jam box handy with a mix of “Doin’ The Butt”

Visit the Hillshire Farm Booth!  Stop by booth #100 for a chance to meet “Bridesmaids” comedienne Wendi McLendon-Covey while dining in style at the only eatery at BlogHer ’11!

Take a seat at the So Good Bistro and place an order off of the Hillshire Farm menu featuring a variety of delicious dishes made using products including slow roasted lean cuts of lunchmeat and perfectly seasoned smoked sausage.  Snag an exclusive for your blog and be among the first to sample new and tasty products from the kitchens of Hillshire Farm, debuting at BlogHer! Bring the live action of BlogHer straight to your blog by hopping into the Hillshire Farm video booth to create a digital recording that can be uploaded directly to your site.  

Hillshire Farm wants you to share the day’s experience with us and your fans while revealing that little something extra you get when you create a great meal.
The booth is open: August 4 (6-8 pm), August 5 (8 am to 6 pm), August 6 (8 am to 6 pm)

See Wendi at the Hilllshire booth:

• Friday: 10:00 – 10:30 am (appearance), 10:30 – 11:30 am, autograph signing (2:45 pm to 4 pm)
• Saturday: 10:00 – 10:30 am (appearance), 10:30 – 11:30 am,  autograph signing (1:30 pm to 2:45 pm)

Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post!

HOW TO SURVIVE SUMMER VACATION

We’ve just about hit the mid-summer point, which means your children have likely created a stronghold in the basement wherein they’re mapping out an impending mutiny. If this is the case in your household, allow The Mouthy Housewives to help you keep those children occupied with clever, new, and educational activities. Or, at the very least, distracted from any plans for a revolution.

1. The “paint the living room” game!

Kids love to paint! Why we haven’t tapped into this before is beyond me. I mean, if you have enough of them, you could probably get the whole house done. This concept can also be used for the “paint Mommy’s toes” game.

2.  The “balance Mommy’s budget” game!

Again, what child isn’t enamored by a basic calculator? Hand that kid a spreadsheet, a red pen, and some receipts. Even if things don’t add up in the end, you now have evidence to suggest you’ve been hard at work on the budget all day.

3.  The “give the dog a bath” game!

Three things needed to play: kids, a dog, and a hose. Shove them in the back yard and hope for the best.

4. The “it’s not mopping, it’s ice skating” game!

Squirt some cleaner on the floor, attach some paper towels to their feet with string, and let ‘em slide! Use bubble wrap if you’re concerned about injury, you worrywart.

5. The “find Daddy’s glasses” game!

Again, we’re just tapping into natural enthusiasm here. What kid isn’t excited by the notion of searching for something?! About the opportunity to be a pirate! Sure, you might not have many “clues” to offer, nor is there a “map” for guidance or “known location” of those god-forsaken glasses (WHY he doesn’t just keep them in the same spot all the time is BEYOND me), but these things can be improvised! Or made up altogether! You can even tell them there’s a puppy in it for them if they find the object! (Within the allotted timeframe. Void where prohibited, and in all 50 United States. Must be 21 to claim prize.)

And if all else fails, you can always refer to The Mouthy Housewives Tip of the Week for surviving winter snow days. It works equally well in the summer.

If you don’t own a dog, it’s perfectly acceptable to let your toddler eat the leftovers off the floor. It is not perfectly acceptable to let your toddler drink out of the toilet.

And if you need a new car, why not enter this great contest from Dairy Queen? Just submit a video of yourself treating someone to a Mini Blizzard, and you can win a 2011 Mini Cooper Countryman car! Isn’t that awesome?  Please see video below for more details. Thank you Dairy Queen for sponsoring this post!

HOW TO SURVIVE SNOW DAYS

Kids stuck at home because school keeps getting canceled due to weather? Going crazy trying to entertain them? Then simply follow these easy steps to give yourself a hassle-free Mouthy Housewife-style Snow Day!

Step 1:  Go to whitepages.com

Step 2:  Enter the name of your child’s teacher and write down her address

Step 3:  Call a cab (Note: If they claim the roads aren’t clear, loudly moan and tell them you’re giving birth and require immediate assistance)

Step 4:  Stick child in cab with a Post-It saying, “Surprise!” and give driver directions to the teacher’s house

Step 5:  Unplug the phone, close the curtains and reeelax! You’ve earned it, baby! Snow days are fun!

Disclaimer: The Mouthy Housewives are not responsible for any school expulsions and/or jail time that may result from following our advice. We just write what the voices in our heads tell us to write.

TRICK OR TREAT? HOW ABOUT BOTH?!

Still searching for a last minute Halloween costume for yourself?

Tired of the usual “sexy” crap like nurses and kittens?

Well, why not shake things up a bit this year and show the world how slutty you can be without even trying!

For example:

SEXY BUTT WIPER: Unbutton your blouse and carry a box of wet wipes!

SEXY EXHAUSTED MOTHER: Unbutton your blouse and put glitter on your dark circles!

SEXY DISHWASHER: Unbutton your blouse and spank people with your wet Playtex gloves!

SEXY WINO: Unbutton your blouse and drink enough wine so that even your weird neighbor Gary looks hot!

SEXY WEIGHT WATCHER: Unbutton your blouse and tell everyone the caloric content of each piece of candy!

SEXY PMSer: Unbutton your blouse, retain water and punch people in the face until they give you chocolate!

So you see, ladies, with a little imagination, a little unbuttoning and a whole lot of “Oh, who the f*ck cares, just give me the stupid candy bars and let me cry in my closet by myself people,” Halloween can be the sexiest—and scariest—holiday of all!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Oh, sure, having coffee and Camels for breakfast will probably stunt the kids’ growth and cause a few health problems, but just think of the energy they’re going to bring to the 2nd grade! They’ll get those math problems done in no time flat and maybe impress their teachers with an adorable 2-hour talking jag, too!

Not to mention that their new breakfast meal will totally prepare them for their future careers as unemployed musicians and artists. Does it get more educational than that? We don’t think so!

So tomorrow morning, grind some beans, crank up the coffeemaker, and bum a few cigarettes off Daddy. Breakfast is served!

Simply think about a naked George Clooney plumping your pillows.

Ahhhhh. That’s better. OMG–is it hot in here, or is it just him?

Enjoy!

I don’t do cards, not really. I write emails, occasionally I’ll pick up the phone. But cards? I’m too busy. I’m not a note writer. What would I say? But as I looked at the cards, I realized that if I got them, the notes would come. I could leave the notes for my daughter, I could send a card to my college girlfriend who is now living in Prague. I could break out of the email-only mold and actually send a letter.

Sure, I could use regular lined paper, but I don’t want to. I’m not a student anymore and I want fancy stationary. Like this. Or this. (By the way, am I the only one who doesn’t have some flowers resting on my desk when I sit down to write?)

And then there is the Minted.com holiday card collection. It’s almost enough to make me send my cards out on time this year. What? I know that I’m not the only one who thinks “well, if it gets there for New Year’s, it’s not  late. Ok, maybe Chinese New Year.”  You choose the paper and the format and the message.  And the photograph, too.

And Minted.com wants to give you some of their gorgeous holiday cards! To enter our giveaway, check out  the holiday card collection and then leave us a comment, telling us which card caught your eye. We will pick a winner on Friday, November 13th. The winner will receive $75 credit towards an order (which is like getting 25 flat cards for free, shipping included!).  The credit code is valid until December 1, 2009.  For extra entries, tweet the link to this giveaway (be sure to mention @MouthyHousewife in the tweet). Good luck!