Did I Just Have a Hotflash?
No, you didn’t. From New York City, where Kelcey and Marinka perspire next to movie stars, to Texas and the coast of Alabama, where Wendi and Heather are old sweating pros, it’s that hot outside.
But we Mouthy Housewives are here to help beat the heat by giving away our own personal hints, tips, and tricks for staying cool. And you don’t even have to pry our clinical strength deodorant out of our cold, dead hands.
Sigh…cold. Do you remember that feeling? Oh, what we wouldn’t give to feel like a witch’s t*t right now…
So how do The Mouthy Housewives keep their cool?
Heather – What would I do for a Klondike bar? I would snatch it right out of your hands and stuff it down my bra. Ahhh! (This works best if you snatch it from children and old people.)
Kelcey – I use my newborn twins’ Pampers in my armpits to soak up all of my sweat. It works like a dream! Or I crank the AC in the minivan, drive around blasting Katy Perry’s California Gurls and flirt with high school boys at the red lights. Those young, rock hard abs make me forget all about a little heat wave.
Wendi – When the temperature has been over 100 degrees in Austin for two months, I simply put on some loose clothing, find a dark room in which to lie down, then I close my eyes and imagine that a nude Jon Gosselin is licking the toes on my right foot and a nude Rush Limbaugh is licking the toes on my left. Ewwwww—-instant body chills!
Marinka -During a heatwave, I have all my cocktails on the rocks. Because staying hydrated is a priority.
So, Mouthy readers—what are your favorite ways to stay out of the heat?
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Oh, Baby, Do We Have News!
Here at The Mouthy Housewives, we take our weekends very seriously. It’s our time to rest, relax and count down the minutes until Monday morning comes and takes our little angels to school. Except one of us, ahem, hasn’t quite gotten a hang of this relaxation thing. Because instead of getting a Friday evening pedicure and Cosmo to start the unwinding after a long week, our sister Mouthy Housewife Kelcey, decided to instead give birth to twins. Yes, twins. Baby twins. Yowza!
We are so happy, proud and excited for Kelcey, as well as her husband Rick, her daughters Dylan and Summer and her new twin boy and twin girl (who we really hope she names “Luke and Leia.”) We’re so proud, in fact, that the three of us non-birthing Housewives handed out cigars at the playground until a mean policeman made us stop due to some “regulations” about children under 5 smoking. Whatev—we’re still pretty damn happy.
For all of the beautiful details straight from Kelcey—who was somehow able to blog immediately after giving birth because she had her laptop in the delivery room—go check out mamabirddiaries.com.
Congratulations, Kelcey! We all love you and can’t wait to see pictures of those beautiful little babies! We hope they look just like us!
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I’d Rather Be Stuck in the Bermuda Triangle than a Love Triangle
It’s Guest Post Friday! Woo-hoo! Today we are honored to welcome the very funny, very cool Deb on the Rocks! (And not just because every time we say her name, we hear Neil Diamond’s awesome voice in our heads.) A couple of us Mouthy Housewives had the pleasure of being on a humor panel with Ms. Deb at last year’s BlogHer, and we found her to be just as funny and charming in real life as she is on her blog. Thanks, Deb–we’re thrilled to have you!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my best friends, “Sarah,” lives in California. Recently, another (male) friend of mine from Philadelphia went to her city for a job interview. He stayed with Sarah and they hooked up. So far no problem. But then she went out of town for business and he hooked up with her roommate! Of course, my guy friend divulged all this to me. He’s still talking to Sarah and they are even planning a potential weekend together. He swore me to secrecy but I feel like my friend should know the truth. What do you think?
Signed,
Trapped in a Triangle
____________________________________
Dear Trapped,
So your friend from Philly has found himself some Californication? Good for him! Though in the process of stimulating his personal economy, it looks like our little job seeker has created two relationship triangles. I actually know a lot about this, as I’ve played every role in this scenario. And as my therapist will tell you if you pay her $120/week for 9 years, a triangle is a dangerous geometric shape to squeeze your heart into, because they prevent you from making really awesome solid one-to-one lines with the people in your life. Here’s the math:
Triangle A is Sarah, Philly Boy and Sarah’s roommate.
Triangle B is Sarah, Philly Boy and you.
Now when we analyze those triangles, we learn two things. First, we can learn that everyone is getting laid except you. Secondly, we see who created BOTH of these triangles: Philly Boy. He made A with his suave moves. (Keep in mind that Sarah and her roommate might even know about Triangle A, but don’t care.) On top of that triangle, Phil then made Triangle B by divulging his dirty secrets to you and engaging you in secrecy games that would create distance between you and Sarah. Phil is a lousy carpenter, and I predict an earthquake will topple his cards soon.
So of all of the 4 people in this parallelogram, I assure you that you have the worst role, because you aren’t even getting orgasms out of the trouble. What you need to do is set things straight with Philly by refusing to be a point in Triangle B. Tell him you don’t care what he does with whom, but that you are not invested in keeping any of his secrets at the expense of any of your other friends unless he’s sleeping with you and only you (which would be a really bad idea, though I hear he rocks the sack). If you do hook up with Professor Phil at any point down the line, please make him get tested first and never forget that boyfriend avoids commitment by building his relationships to resemble HALF of a diamond.
After you have that conversation with him, I think you will be fine. $120 x 365 days - 6 weeks vacation (therapists can afford that) x 9 years > free, which is what this advice cost you. Way to go Trapped, you are really good at math!
Sincerely,
Deb on the Rocks, Guest TMH
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TMH Seal of Approval: When Frozen Fruit Goes Wrong
Every week(ish), The Mouthy Housewives present their coveted(ish) Seal of Approval to a post that made us laugh and become a better person.
This week we bestow the Seal of Approval on Jen Arthur Photography for her post Talah’s Room: Crime Scene. Do not check out this post without scrolling down to see the photos.
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Want to Meet The Mouthy Housewives?
BlogHer ‘10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of the Mouthy Housewives (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. We will tell you everything you need to know about creating a successful internet advice site, all while eating bon bons and swilling vodka. It’ll be a lot of laughs, and a fun discussion for sure.
Please help us bring this session to BlogHer! Whether you plan to be there or not, you can vote by going here, logging on to BlogHer and then clicking “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say, “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
And don’t miss Mouthy Housewife Wendi’s review of glasses. Find the perfect glasses for your favorite cocktail! What? Oh, different kind of glasses? Terrific! Please check it out!
