My husband leaves piles of junk all over the house. It drives me crazy. I can’t just throw it all out because there are important receipts, business cards and bills mixed in with the movie stubs. But I’m sick of cleaning up after him. Any ideas?

Signed,

OMFG

__________________________________________

Dear OMFG,

Oh dear LORD, can I relate, woman. My husband is what I affectionately refer to as three-garage-sales-away-from-an-episode-of-Hoarders. He likes to save. EVERYTHING. And since I happen to be on the opposite end of the spectrum–in that I hate clutter and don’t understand why ALL dishes aren’t, in fact, disposable–it occasionally creates some conflict within our marriage.

Since I lack any sort of organizational skills, I can only tell you my personal coping strategies and hope that they guide you well. (Enough.)

1. Hide that shit in a drawer.

If I’m too exhausted or annoyed to weed through his piles, but also too irritated to look at the clutter for ONE MORE SECOND, I’ll just shove his junk out of view in a closet or something. This can be mildly rewarding, because it allows you the chance to pretend that this whole issue isn’t really happening! The downside, of course, is that he’ll start to accuse you when his papers go missing and he finds his gym shorts in the attic.

2. Retaliate.

What’s a pet peeve of his that you can exploit in an effort to more passive-aggressively communicate your issue? Does he hate it when you leave wet towels on the bathroom floor? Have sex with other men? Call him “Schmoopy” in front of his friends? Perhaps if your own personal happiness isn’t motivation for him to get himself in gear, his own humiliation and shame will work.

3. Help him out. However begrudgingly.

Your husband is likely leaving these piles around because he’s either too overwhelmed by the task of organizing everything or simply unequipped with the tools to accomplish the goal. (Of course, he could also just be frickin’ lazy, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. As I do my husband. Ahem.) Get some file cabinets, folders, office organizing trays, and see if you can’t work together over the weekend to at least get his mess confined to one area of the house.

As fed up as you may be, try to remember that we all have our faults, and that some of those are simply more visible than others. And maybe for your next marriage, try to find yourself a nail-biter instead.

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED SHORTLY.

We’ve got some exciting news today at The Mouthy Housewives. Ready, kids? We’re kicking off a contest to win an iPad2! Woohoo! An iPad2! How cool does that sound? (Did you all just say “VERY”? You better have.)

The contest is sponsored by Vonage’s new “Time to Call App,” which we have to say, is pretty damn awesome. The Time to Call ™ App is a free download on your iPhone, iTouch or iPad that allows you to call overseas for incredibly cheap rates with awesome clarity. It looks like this:

And the details are below:

• * Pay per call and talk for up to 15 minutes to 100 countries for $1.99 or less (excluding applicable taxes)
• * For an additional 90+ countries, talk up to 15-minutes for $2.99 to $9.99 (excluding applicable taxes)
• * Bill directly to your iTunes account
• * Works on Wi-Fi® worldwide
• * Also for use on high quality 3G networks in the U.S. and Canada
• * For a limited time, unused minutes can be used for additional calls
• * No need to be a Vonage home customer, no hidden fees or monthly commitment

This is great news for all of us at TMH because now it’ll be SO much cheaper when we drunk dial Daniel Craig and Gerard Depardieu to tell them about our days. Sacre bleu, don’t hang up! (But in all honesty, we think this sounds super cool for military families with loved ones overseas.)

Right now Vonage is having a limited time offer where our readers can download the Time to Call App and call up to 15 minutes for free. (No purchase required.) More info on that can be found here. Now onto our contest!

We’ll be giving away to one LUCKY reader:  One (1) iTunes gift card for $15 and one (1) Apple gift card for the Apple iPad 2, 32 GB. That’s a whole lotta Apple money right there, people.

Each reader can get one entry for doing any or all of the things listed below (maximum 3 entries a person):

• * Like us on Facebook (because there’s no “Adore us” option)
• * Leave a comment on our Facebook page telling us who you’d call overseas (e.g. Tonya would call Canada and ask them to take Celine Dion back)
• * Tweet a link to our contest that includes @mouthyhousewife and the hashtag #timetocall

Winner will be chosen at random and contest ends on 8/16, so hurry!

And if that wasn’t enough excitement, there are actually 75 other bloggers running their own Vonage Time to Call contests! 75! That’s crazy! You can find links to all of those fine people at www.callsfromsmartphone.com, so be sure to check them out and increase your chances of winning an iPad2 via their contests.

Thanks for reading and good luck!

____

Links:

Vonage page: bitly.com/pKXNj6

iTunes page: http://bitly.com/r6YMh7

Fineprint: If you win a prize in one of the websites’ contests, then you can’t win again in the whole competition. Depending on where the winners live they may receive the Apple iPad 2 32 GB WiFi, or the equivalent Apple Gift Card to use at an Apple retailer.

Goodness, you look stunning this morning. Let us drink you in.

Ah.

Today, we’re taking a break from solving your problems with wit and wisdom and are focusing instead on a few public service announcements. They are things that we all know.  And yet, every year there are terrible tragedies that break our hearts.  We are hopeful that by highlighting them now, we will start a discussion, raise awareness and that you and your friends will hear our nagging, and yet oddly adorable, voices as a reminder. So here are some things to keep in mind during this long, hot summer:

1.  Water Safety. Although there is a year-round risk for at home drownings, during the months of May to August, child drowning deaths increase 89% as compared to the rest of the year. The American Academy of Pediatrics issued recommendations, including:

• Supervision when in or around the Water. Designate a responsible adult to watch young children while in the bath as well as all children swimming or playing in or around water. Supervisors of preschool children should provide “touch supervision,” be close enough to reach the child at all times.  Adults should not be involved in any other distracting activity (such as reading, playing cards, talking on the phone, texting or mowing the lawn) while supervising children.
• Learn to Swim. Formal swimming lessons can protect young children from drowning. However, even when kids have had formal swimming lessons, constant, careful supervision when children are in the water, and barriers, such as pool fencing, to prevent unsupervised access are still necessary.
• Learn Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR). In the time it might take for paramedics to arrive, your CPR skills could make a difference in someone’s life. Classes are usually inexpensive and easily found via community listings.
• Do Not Use Air-Filled or Foam Toys. Novelty toys such as “water wings,” “noodles,” or inner-tubes should never be used in place of life jackets (personal flotation devices). These toys are not designed to keep swimmers safe.

Please check out the AAP link for more recommendations as well as Colin’s Hope for some valuable resources.

2.  Cars. We’ve all heard the terrible news stories of children left in a locked car in the summer.  What seems like an innocent mistake quickly ends in tragedy.  No one thinks that it will happen to them, and yet it still happens, year after year, again and again. In 2010, 49 children died after being left in a car.  It’s also important to know that a child’s temperature regulating system is still immature, and therefore different from ours.  A child’s body temperatures can warm at a rate 3 to 5 times faster than an adult’s.  Children have died from heat stroke in a vehicle with outside temperatures as low as 57 degrees F.

Develop a system to make sure that you never leave a child in the car, no matter how many things are going on. It could be as simple as a “buddy system,” such as texting a friend after you removed your child from the car. Whatever works for you.  Just know that if you need a back up reminder, you should have one.  Please share your ideas in the comments.

3.  Sunblock While certainly not as dramatic as our first two summer dangers, using sunblock should be a part of everyone’s summer routine.  As the sun radiates light, (er..shines) part of the light contains ultraviolet (UV).  The UVA rays damage the skin and contribute to its wrinkling and the development of skin cancer.  Most people get between 50 to 85% of their total lifetime sun exposure by the time that they are 18 years old, so it’s especially important for parents to teach them about sun damage and protection.

So let’s be safe out there.

Love,

The Mouthy Housewives

The list below is full of people who we think are the writers that make us a community, and we toast them at our virtual Thanksgiving table.  Thank you, ladies, for all that you give and for not making fun of us when we shotgun two pumpkin pies in under 20 minutes.

And since we’re a little cheap here at The Mouthy Housewives, we’re going to make this a Thanksgiving potluck and ask all of you readers to add in the blogs for which you’re thankful this year. It might even be your own or (ahem) one of ours. But we ask that you just take a couple of minutes and let us know.

Blogs We Love:

Amalah

The Flying Chalupa

These Are the Days

The 52 Seductions

The Days are Just Packed

Her Bad Mother

Peace Love and Guacamole

A Road with a View

Ann’s Rants

Finslippy

Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty

Is There Any Mommy Out There?

Late Enough

Mom 101

The Tales of Princess Mikkimoto

Scary Mommy

Classy Chaos

The Bitchin Wives Club

Deb On The Rocks

Lost in the Chaos

I’m Gonna Kill Him

Smacksy

Vodkamom

Hollywood: Where Hot Comes to Die

The Extraordinary Ordinary

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! (And if we forgot you, feel free to come over and throw your leftovers at us. Especially the stuffing.)

But we Mouthy Housewives are here to help beat the heat by giving away our own personal hints, tips, and tricks for staying cool. And you don’t even have to pry our clinical strength deodorant out of our cold, dead hands. 

Sigh…cold. Do you remember that feeling? Oh, what we wouldn’t give to feel like a witch’s t*t right now…

So how do The Mouthy Housewives keep their cool?

Heather – What would I do for a Klondike bar? I would snatch it right out of your hands and stuff it down my bra. Ahhh! (This works best if you snatch it from children and old people.)

Kelcey – I use my newborn twins’ Pampers in my armpits to soak up all of my sweat. It works like a dream! Or I crank the AC in the minivan, drive around blasting Katy Perry’s California Gurls and flirt with high school boys at the red lights.  Those young, rock hard abs make me forget all about a little heat wave.

Wendi – When the temperature has been over 100 degrees in Austin for two months, I simply put on some loose clothing, find a dark room in which to lie down, then I close my eyes and imagine that a nude Jon Gosselin is licking the toes on my right foot and a nude Rush Limbaugh is licking the toes on my left. Ewwwww—-instant body chills!

Marinka -During a heatwave, I  have all my cocktails on the rocks.  Because staying hydrated is a priority.

So, Mouthy readers—what are your favorite ways to stay out of the heat?

Here at The Mouthy  Housewives, we take our weekends very seriously.   It’s our time to rest, relax and count down the minutes until Monday morning comes and takes our little angels to school.  Except one of us, ahem, hasn’t quite gotten a hang of this relaxation thing.  Because instead of getting a Friday evening pedicure and Cosmo to start the unwinding after a long week, our sister Mouthy Housewife Kelcey, decided to instead give birth to twins.  Yes, twins.  Baby twins. Yowza!

We are so happy, proud and excited for Kelcey, as well as her husband Rick, her daughters Dylan and Summer and her new twin boy and twin girl (who we really hope she names “Luke and Leia.”) We’re so proud, in fact, that the three of us non-birthing Housewives handed out cigars at the playground until a mean policeman made us stop due to some “regulations” about children under 5 smoking. Whatev—we’re still pretty damn happy.

For all of the beautiful details straight from Kelcey—who was somehow able to blog immediately after giving birth because she had her laptop in the delivery room—go check out mamabirddiaries.com.

Congratulations, Kelcey! We all love you and can’t wait to see pictures of those beautiful little babies! We hope they look just like us!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

One of my best friends, “Sarah,” lives in California. Recently, another (male) friend of mine from Philadelphia went to her city for a job interview. He stayed with Sarah and they hooked up. So far no problem. But then she went out of town for business and he hooked up with her roommate! Of course, my guy friend divulged all this to me. He’s still talking to Sarah and they are even planning a potential weekend together. He swore me to secrecy but I feel like my friend should know the truth. What do you think?

Signed,

Trapped in a Triangle

____________________________________

Dear Trapped,

So your friend from Philly has found himself some Californication?  Good for him!  Though in the process of stimulating his personal economy, it looks like our little job seeker has created two relationship triangles.  I actually know a lot about this, as I’ve played every role in this scenario. And as my therapist will tell you if you pay her $120/week for 9 years, a triangle is a dangerous geometric shape to squeeze your heart into, because they prevent you from making really awesome solid one-to-one lines with the people in your life. Here’s the math:

Triangle A is Sarah, Philly Boy and Sarah’s roommate.

Triangle B is Sarah, Philly Boy and you.

Now when we analyze those triangles, we learn two things. First, we can learn that everyone is getting laid except you. Secondly, we see who created BOTH of these triangles: Philly Boy.  He made A with his suave moves.  (Keep in mind that Sarah and her roommate might even know about Triangle A, but don’t care.)  On top of that triangle, Phil then made Triangle B by divulging his dirty secrets to you and engaging you in secrecy games that would create distance between you and Sarah.  Phil is a lousy carpenter, and I predict an earthquake will topple his cards soon.

So of all of the 4 people in this parallelogram, I assure you that you have the worst role, because you aren’t even getting orgasms out of the trouble.  What you need to do is set things straight with Philly by refusing to be a point in Triangle B.  Tell him you don’t care what he does with whom, but that you are not invested in keeping any of his secrets at the expense of any of your other friends unless he’s sleeping with you and only you (which would be a really bad idea, though I hear he rocks the sack).  If you do hook up with Professor Phil at any point down the line, please make him get tested first and never forget that boyfriend avoids commitment by building his relationships to resemble HALF of a diamond.

After you have that conversation with him, I think you will be fine.  $120 x 365 days - 6 weeks vacation (therapists can afford that) x 9 years > free, which is what this advice cost you.  Way to go Trapped, you are really good at math!

Sincerely,

Deb on the Rocks, Guest TMH

This week we bestow the Seal of Approval on Jen Arthur Photography for her post Talah’s Room: Crime Scene. Do not check out this post without scrolling down to see the photos.

Please help us bring this session to BlogHer! Whether you plan to be there or not, you can vote by going here, logging on to BlogHer and then clicking “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say, “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!

And don’t miss Mouthy Housewife Wendi’s review of glasses. Find the perfect glasses for your favorite cocktail! What? Oh, different kind of glasses? Terrific! Please check it out!