Pay-For-Party
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m in a moms group and one of the other mothers kindly invites me to their annual summer party. The problem? These people are cheap. Last year they asked everyone to bring their own meat to grill and this year they are asking every adult to pay $5. I mean, I’m cool with bringing a side dish to share, but I think they are being ridiculous. Am I wrong? Should I say something?
Signed,
Potlucks are for Pussies
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Dear Potlucks are for Pussies,
Not a fan of BYOM parties? Neither am I! Of course, that’s mostly because I’m fearful I’ll get into a car crash on the way to the event, thereby causing the five pounds of raw steak I’m holding on my lap to somehow infect my private parts with Mad Cow disease and then I’ll wind up quarantined in Kansas City until the USDA discovers a cure for human udders and debilitating cud addiction.
I know. It’s a wonder I ever leave the house.
Now I assume that everyone reading this knows the three words I’m going to say in response to your question. Ready? Here we go: In this economy…blah, blah, blah…not everyone who wants to host a party can afford to pay for food and drinks for their guests. (Well, not unless they have amazing sponsors like JVC who helped us throw a party so swanky, we didn’t even have to use lame-o drink tickets. All you can swill, baby! That’s how we Housewives roll!)
Anyway, if the ickiness of forking over $10 to cover costs outweighs the joy of socializing with these people, don’t go. You’re certainly under no obligation to attend what you consider to be a tacky affair. (Although I’d strongly advise against saying something to the hostess about her perceived cheapness unless you want some discount potato salad shoved down your skort.)
Next time, offer to host—and pay for—the BBQ all by yourself. This will either show the other moms a better way to throw parties, or make them seethe with resentment because they think you’re showing off by serving cocktail weenies and pickles for 50. Personally, as long as I like those involved, I’m happy to go to any party anyone’s nice enough to ask me to attend.
I mean, as long as I don’t have to carry meat on my lap.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Happy Happy Joy Joy!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A woman in our office who is pretty high on the food chain has recently begun taking the antidepressant Lexapro. She’s always been a little moody, and I’m happy to report that the bad moods are now gone, ONLY TO BE REPLACED BY EXTRA SPECIAL HAPPY MOODS. All the damn time. She’s a manager and should know better, but she now squeals like a girl at the slightest provocation and acts like a six year old after a day of slurpees, ding dongs, and ring pops.
I care about this woman and can see clearly that she’s damaging her credibility by acting like a manic grade-schooler. Is there a way to tactfully remind her to act her age? If not, can I switch her Lexapro to something less offensive, like maybe Xanax??
Signed,
Liked Her Better When She Cried
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Dear Liked Her Better When She Cried,
Before I begin to answer your question, I must first disclose that I personally don’t have any experience with the use of antidepressants. This is simply because I’m high on LIFE, baby! LIFE! (Well, life and the open printer cartridge I sniff like an unstable Doberman whenever I get upset. Lexmark Black Ink #1, I can’t quit you!)
Anyway, I point that out because while there are certainly psychological changes going on that I can’t begin to understand, I also believe the problem with Missus Happy Pants may not be due to her medication; rather, it’s due to other people’s reaction to her new personality.
For whatever reason, most workers seem to deal better with bosses who are assholes than ones who are fun and happy and wear pink cat sweatshirts. Maybe this is because it’s easier to respect someone who acts all serious and stern than someone who tells fart jokes and giggles. Don Draper vs. Don Knotts, if you will.
I say as long as she’s still performing her duties and has a handle on managing everyone, don’t bring up the medication issue with her at all. It’s just going to do is get her upset (if that’s even possible), plus she may think you don’t care about her new found happiness. Chances are that if there really is a problem, her family and close friends will advise her to go see her doctor for a medication adjustment. (Or sign her up to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.)
Therefore, my advice is to just lay low and try to enjoy Little Mary Sunshine. Because given the choice, it’s always better to work with someone who acts likes a Slurpee than someone who acts like a jackass.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Smoothies!
As you know, two weeks ago, Mouthy Housewives Kelcey, Marinka and Wendi were at BlogHer. But just because they were relaxing and partying at BlogHer, doesn’t mean that they left their culinary skills behind. Take a look!
And please check out the 8th Continent Soymilk Nice Job, Mom contest here. Look through the entries of the very relatable parenting mishaps, and submit your own! You could win a room makeover! Or a fancy trip! What’s not to love?
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A Match Made In (Something Slightly South Of) Heaven
hello mouth housewife,
my name is juliet. i am a lady
i saw your profile today on this dating site and became interested in you so i will like us to be friend,
please send your email address to my box so that i will send my picture to you and tell you more about me. i wait your email.
thanks.
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Dear Juliet,
Wow—what an exciting email to receive! We were just so completely flattered and thrilled when we saw this land in our Mouthy Housewives mailbox. After all, it’s not every day that we have someone tell us that they’d like us to be friend. You are just such a sweetheart, Juliet A Lady! Such a (grammatically challenged and possibly a little slow) sweetheart!
Now, we have to admit that we’re a tad confused as which dating site had our glamorous profile listed. Was it Swifferbitches.com? HotCougarMuffinTops.com? Or our old standby Guns-n-Ammo.com?
Sorry to ask, but it’s really hard for us to keep track of how many online identities we create in a single day. Why, Heather and Marinka have been working non-stop all summer long to make sure we haven’t missed even a single Latin Americans Over 80 dating website. (Next up: China and the Canary Islands!)
Anyway, per your request, we will most certainly send an email to “your box” as soon as we can. We can’t wait to see your picture and exact measurements and oddly shaped birthmarks and…what’s that? Sorry, Juliet, but Kelcey just stomped into the Mouthy Housewives HQ to give me a little folded note. Probably something about how cute I look in these espadrilles today, but—oh, no. Oh, f*ck. Hold the phone, babe. It seems that Kelcey and the rest of the Housewives all figured out “a long ass time ago” that your email was…SPAM. Dear Lord. SPAM! Well, color me red in the face, Juliet! You don’t want to be friend after all, you just want to trick us into some sort of nefarious internet dealings wherein we lose our homes and have to live in an un-airconditioned box under the freeway! Thanks a lot, you lower case loser! Thanks a LOT!
So consider this your good-bye, Juliet A Lady. We wish it could have worked out between us, but it seems that the Mouthy Housewives are far too savvy to fall for silly scams like yours. Far. Too. Savvy!
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for the party we’re throwing tonight for a Nigerian Prince. We think he’s just going to love it!
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Friends Help Friends Vacuum
Dear Mouthy Housewives Heather and Kelcey,
What do you think about a friend who invites you to stay at her apartment during the BlogHer conference, but then she casually insists that you vacuum her apartment?
Sincerely,
“Wendi”
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Dear “Wendi”,
Well, it’s your bad luck that Kelcey and Heather are at a spa today and I’m womanning the shop. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is. In the spirit of sisterhood, we should all be helping each other with domestic chores. Besides, with the Mouthy Housewives party sponsor LG Kompressor vacuum, you hardly broke a sweat!
Can’t wait for you to visit again! Mi casa is su casa! (And next time, you WILL do windows.)
Luv,
Marinka
(Note: Please excuse the dramatical stylings of the Housewives. We were kicked out of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts for insubordination & excessive beer bonging. Also, the cinematography was done by Ms. Madison, Marinka’s 10-year-old neighbor, who we think has a bright future in directing industrial videos.)
Many thanks to our wonderful Mouthy Party sponsor LG Electronics for outfitting all of us and our guests with the awesome LG Kompressor! Yes, everybody who came to our Mouthy Housewives BlogHer party is getting a vacuum! It’s just like we’re frickin’ Oprah, but without the latent thyroid condition and our “boyfriend” Steadman! Woohoo! YOU GET A VACUUM! YOU GET A VACUUM! YOU, well, you get a pack of gum and a pat on the head, but then YOU GET A VACCUM!
