Merry Christmas…In March?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend sent Christmas gifts to my kids in December. Now it’s March, and I don’t know what happened, but I just found the package. So now, not only did I not reciprocate with gifts to her kids, but my kids did not acknowledge her gifts. I’m so embarrassed, I just can’t deal with this. Help me!
Signed,
Presents from the Past
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Dear Presents from the Past,
Just how messy is your house? Or maybe it’s not messy, it’s just one of those McMansions that has more rooms than a high-security federal prison and therefore random things like your children can go missing for days and days. (And if so, can I move in?)
But here’s the thing: in my house, there’s no freaking WAY a present could ever be lost for more than a minute because my kids have Supernatural Gift Radar. Seriously, if you’re ever stranded on a desert island, wrap up a rock in a banana leaf and put a pretty fishbone bow on it. Boom! My boys will have rescue ships to you before you can say, “Is that a crab in my pants or are the sailors just making me feel tingly?”
But let’s assume your children aren’t grubby gift hunters like mine, and that somehow this present honestly got lost in the shuffle. You could either throw your friend a line like, “Oh, my gosh. Did I tell you that someone robbed our house in December and I just had to buy it all back from some Russian mobster on eBay? Weird, huh? By the way, thanks for the Zhu Zhu pets!”
Or you could just be honest. Go over to her house with handwritten thank-you notes from both you and your kids, a gift for her children, and a very chagrined look on your face. If she’s a friend and a mom, she’ll understand that sometimes things can get overlooked in the hectic pace of life. It probably won’t be long before it becomes an old, running joke between the two of you.
Next year, make sure you have a special place in your house to put all the gifts you receive. And if that still doesn’t work, just give my boys a call. They could find Jimmy Hoffa if he were gift-wrapped.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?
Signed,
Not Feelin’ The Spirit
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Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,
Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.
So, what are we waiting for?!
Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)
But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)
You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.
If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.
That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Help! I’m Stuck On Mount Crushmore!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m very attracted to a friend’s husband. I’m happily married, and would never, ever act on it, of course. But how do I get rid of this crush? It’s making me feel silly and uncomfortable.
Signed,
Krush Killer
_______________________
Dear Krush Killer,
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and picture Mr. Crush in your head. Think about his warm, brown eyes, his strong hands, his sexy laugh, the way he trims his hedges with the style and grace of a young, hot Sean Connery. Ahhh… delicious, isn’t he? It’s really no wonder why you’ve fallen so hard for your friend’s perfect husband.
Now I want you to close your eyes again. This time, picture Mr. Crush sprawled out on your couch wearing nothing but dingy underwear and black socks. Keep looking as he loudly scratches his belly, burps like a rabid gorilla, then wanders over to the kitchen where instead of putting his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, he carelessly plops it in the sink knowing that the little lady’ll take care of it for him like she always does.
White-hot crush staring to fade a bit?
The truth is, we all sometimes find someone besides our mate attractive. Chalk it up to chemistry, or animal lust, or too much wine mixed with black market diet pills. Crushes are normal, and usually illogical. And since you claim you’re “happily married,” I’m assuming there doesn’t seem to be any deep-seated displeasure with your husband or any danger of you acting upon these feelings.
Therefore, might I suggest you simply repeat the second part of the visualization exercise I mentioned above a few times a day. Maybe add in a few images of Mr. Crush throwing his dirty socks on the ground, picking lint out of his misshapen belly button, and doing the white-man’s underbite to “Louie Louie” at your class reunion, too. Ewww! you’ll think. He’s disgusting! He’s repulsive! He’s making me nauseated! He’s nowhere near as cute as—my husband.
Problem solved.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Congratulations to ANDREA, the winner of our FLOW book giveaway ! Enjoy the read!
MORE MOUTHY HOUSEWIVES BIDNESS:
We’re throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.
And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site. So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
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Bad Mom, Bad Mom, Whatcha Gonna Do?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband has been out of town for a week, and I’m stuck at home with my one-year-old and my three-year-old. The weather’s too nasty to go outside, plus the baby’s sick, so it’s made me totally exhausted. I’ve been letting my older child watch a lot of TV just so I can get a break, but this is making me feel really guilty. Am I a bad mom?
Signed,
Boob Tubing In Boston
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Dear Boob Tubing,
You know the type of woman who never asks herself if she’s a bad mom? It’s the one whose kids are slurping Diet Coke out of baby bottles and playing soccer in Ross Dress for Less.
You know the type of woman who constantly asks herself if she’s a bad mom? It’s the one whose kid is doing just fine, but she still thinks she has to wonderfully fulfill every second of his little life or he won’t get early admission to Harvard.
Sound familiar?
If your children are fed, clothed and loved to the best of your ability, of course you’re not a bad mom. And let’s be honest, stuck inside the house with a sick baby and an active toddler for a week with no help is pretty much like being a contestant on some masochistic Japanese game show. Like “Big Happy Hamster Time Dance” or something. Hard work, no fun and you can’t understand what the hell everyone’s saying.
Now, if you can’t find anyone to come give you a break and you’re truly trapped, I suggest spreading out the TV watching in half-hour increments. Maybe try to sit next to your child while he’s watching so you feel like you’re interacting somewhat. (Note: You don’t have to actually pay attention to the show for this to work. Just randomly yell out, “Wow! That’s sure a funny turtle!” every few minutes. Because there’s always a funny turtle.) No, this isn’t the best thing for your kid, but a few days of extra TV time so mommy can get a break never harmed anyone.
And the next time your husband goes away for a week, make sure it’s in the summer.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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You’re Like, So Totally Braggadocious
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a friend whose life is going very well. I know this because she tells me about it all the time. Like many people, I am out of work and very single, and even though I’ve told her this, she still goes on and on about how great her marriage is and how much money she is making. How do I get her to stop?
Signed,
Enough Already
_____________________________
Dear Enough Already,
I completely agree that it’s totally annoying when someone won’t stop telling you how wonderful their life is. In fact, just last week when I was hanging out at Canyon Ranch drinking champagne and getting a salt scrub on my size-2 perfectly shaped behind, my BFF Gwyneth Paltrow would just not shut up about how fabulous she is. “I know you’re perfect, Gwyneth,” I sighed as Rico, the muscular pool boy slowly gyrated in front of my unwrinkled, youthful face, “but my life is just so awful in comparison to yours. For the love of God, Gwynnie, my diamond ring is only 10 carats! Ten! That’s five carats less than the chubby Kardashian’s! Oy vey, my life sucks! Hey, you gonna finish that lobster truffle?”
My point is there’s always going to be someone better off than you. It’s just the way the world works. And we should definitely try to be happy when our friends are doing well. However, if good fortune happens to turn our friends into smug, self-centered and insensitive jerks, then that’s another story. That’s when we move on to Operation Dump They Ass.
Since you’ve told her that her bragging bothers you and she still continues to do it, I don’t see the point in continuing the friendship a minute longer. Simply let her know that you’re far too busy clipping coupons and trolling for eligible men at the assisted living home to hang out any more. (Maybe wear some socks with big holes in them and eat cat food out of the tin while you’re saying this.) It’s never easy to end a friendship, but the fact is, nobody needs someone in their life who makes them feel inadequate and ignored.
And that’s exactly what I told Gwyneth right before I threw her Oscar into the landfill.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.
To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!
