We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:

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Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.

Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.

Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.

Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!

Never travel without own soft-white light source.

Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.

Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.

Start lying about age.  80 never looked so good!

Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.

Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!

Conspire with  BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.

Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.

Get Botocks.  It’s totally not Botox.

Two words: Invisible. Tape.

Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!

Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.

Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!

So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!

My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything. My BF and I have been dating for six years and plan on getting married, but she refuses to acknowledge his existence. He is not even “allowed” over at holidays. It makes me feel like I am 15…I’m 25!

She has even gone so far as making things up out of thin air, telling people he abuses me, and then I receive emails from “concerned” friends of hers. Or she will drive by my house intentionally just to call me and ask why he is there!

I am sick and tired of her antics especially because my irresponsible jerk of a brother’s girlfriend walks on water to her. How the hell do I tell her to back off and come back to the real world without causing a war!?

Signed,

I Have a Crazy Mama

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Dear I Have a Crazy Mama,

I admit that when I read your first sentence — “My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything” — I was really hoping this question would involve spaceships, Narnia and a few thousand horny gnomes, but you know what? It’s perfectly fine that it doesn’t. Let’s just go ahead and talk about your mother’s alternate reality. The one that involves her major dislike of your boyfriend. The boyfriend who isn’t a horny gnome who carries a laser gun in his loincloth and drinks unicorn blood from a box. Sigh.

I knew I should have taken that job at TheMouthyDungeonsandDragonsHousewives.com.

But my personal problems aside, there must be something wrong with your boyfriend. Otherwise, why would your mom despise him so? Is he a thief? A con artist? A drinker? A drugger? A performer on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour named Skeeter Juice who tells jokes about raccoon boobies? Seriously, do you have any idea why she might not like him? Because if you don’t, it might be a good idea to sit her down and ask. Perhaps he slighted her years ago and a simple apology is all it’ll take to clear things up.

However, if she actually is completely batshit crazy and has no real reason for disliking him and spreading false rumors, then it’s time for a Come to Jesus talk. Let her know that he’s the most important person in your life and you plan on marrying him whether she approves of it or not. And if she wants you in her life, she’s just going to have to suck it up and deal. I know you don’t want to start a war, but you might have to start a little skirmish just to clear the air. Because right now nothing’s changing in either direction.

Family drama is never fun and I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Hopefully you’ll all come to some kind of resolution and can all peacefully co-exist.

Just like the horny gnomes and unicorns do.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?

Signed,

Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle

_________________________

Dear Not Single,

One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!

Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:

1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)

2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!

3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.

But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.

Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

Anyway, since you all read our words every week and dream about hanging out with us at the Paramus Mall Food Court, we’re now giving you the chance to know our deepest, darkest secrets. (Or at least the ones that don’t include what we did to that cagey Tunisian drifter back in ’87. Trust us, we’ll never tell.) But we just know we’ll all feel like BFFs by the time we’re done with this fun new feature! {{Hugs.}}

Today, let’s meet WENDI.

Name: Wendi Aarons

Age: STFU

Hometown: Austin, Texas

Here’s a glamour shot of Wendi enjoying herself at the ultra chic Great Wolf Lodge. Isn’t she just gorgeous with those Wolf Ears? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect she keeps them in her nightstand drawer for those times she wants to get really wild. Rwor!

And now, Wendi answers some probing questions asked by her lovely Sister Wives!

Dear Wendi:

What’s your spirit animal?
Is Chardonnay an animal?

What’s your sign? And major? And are those space pants you’re wearing?
Scorpio, Film and Duh.

Which Kardashian are you?
Klingon, the one they keep in the shed with their coffins and cases of hair dye.

Most embarrassing moment as a mother?
Walking through Banana Republic with my nursing bra flaps unhooked. Whee!

Favorite Real Housewife?
Ramoner!

If your neighborhood did superlatives, what would you be voted as?
(tie) Most Likely To Report People For Leaving Their Trashcans Out and Best Ass

What plastic surgery will you get first?
Pec implants.

Are you a natural blonde?
I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer, Tonya. Haters gonna hate.

Who would portray you in a Lifetime movie?
Drunk Tracey Gold or sober Sammy Hagar.

Celebrity crush when you were 16 and now?
George Michael. And it’s still George Michael even though, yes, Kristine, I know he doesn’t swing my way and I’m perfectly fine with that because we connect on a deeper, pop music level and OMG I TOTALLY KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM SWITCH TEAMS IF I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT COP.

What name does your husband call you?
We only use our celestial names at home, so “Xyzyzyzyzy.” Or “Stop Using All Of The Hot Water, Dummy.”

Can you say “making love” without cringing?
Yes! Watch: Mak….makin….making lo-hhhhhhvvv…making looo-hhhh…OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP DRY HEAVING! WHO HAS A PAPER BAG CAUSE MAMA GONNA DO A PUKE!

Who is your favorite Mouthy Housewife?
Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to answer this, Kelcey. Do you think I want another table flipping brawl in the TMH cabana? Honestly, woman.

What was your first car?
A 1980 sky blue Nova that didn’t go in reverse. Thanks, mom and dad!

What’s your bra size?
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact. The end.

Favorite classic book?
Is Chardonnay a book?

Whooo! Now that you know Wendi better, feel free to send her gift cards and any of your spare pharmaceuticals. And we’ll be back soon with yet another Meet Your Housewives! Happy weekend, everyone!

The PTO at my daughter’s (public) elementary school is throwing a big party next month to raise money. It sounds like it’ll be a good time with a band, food, etc., but they’re charging $150 PER TICKET. There are a lot of families who can probably afford this, but not mine. I think $300 is just ridiculous and I know that our PTO already has a surplus of money, so it just seems greedy.

The main problem is that I’m friends with a lot of the parents and teachers and they keep asking me if my husband I are going to the party. I don’t know if I should lie and say we’re out of town that night (and then hide that weekend) or tell the truth and risk embarassment. What do you think?

Signed,

No Party, Please

________________________

Dear No Party Please,

Your question is exactly why I regularly zoom past the pack of women outside Panera Bread and scream: “LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU PTO MUTHAF@#%ERS! I’VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES THAT I WILL NOT BE A LOWLY PUPPET IN YOUR EVIL REIGN OF TERROR! YOU DON’T OWN ME! NOBODY OWNS WENDI! NOOOOOO-BOOOODYYY!”

And then I wonder why I get stuck picking up the dirty Band-Aids after Track and Field day.

But it does sound like you have one of the worst kinds of PTOs: the kind that acts like they’re doing things for the kids when they’re really doing things for themselves. Why else would they feel the need to throw a party when they supposedly don’t need the money? If you ask me, it sounds like Miss Ginger Sue Tompkins got a bug in her bonnet and now she wants to throw a big ‘ol bash for all y’all glitzy gals! (Please, someone get me out of Texas. Why am I talkin’ like this, y’all?)

I do agree that $150 is a bit steep for a public school event and I’m sure you’re not the only person who can’t afford it. And if it were me, I would simply say, “We’re not going because it’s not in our budget.” However, I can understand if you’re not comfortable saying that, so maybe you could go with a basic, “I wish we could go, but we have another commitment that night.” That should suffice.

But if it doesn’t and people press you as to what commitment you have that night (which is entirely possible), you have two choices. One: mumble something about work or church or sports. Or two: look them straight in the eye and say “My coven is sacrificing a rabbit that night and I don’t want to miss drinking the blood!”

Actually, the coven party sounds kind of fun. I wonder if that’s in my budget?

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’m just going to say it: Do other women have problems with ingrown bikini hairs? Or do I alone have some kind of messed up crotch hair situation? It doesn’t matter what method of hair removal I use – shaving, waxing, plucking – I still get them every single time, which really pisses me off as a feminist. Men don’t have to do ANYTHING to their crotch hair before a trip to the beach! Where’s the equality in that? Help!

Signed,

Sally Stubble Crotch

____________________

Dear Sally Stubble Crotch,

First of all, my apologies for just now getting to your question, which I see you sent in last July when you were right in the middle of swimsuit season. So—oopsie! Hope you weren’t too ostracized at the neighborhood pool for looking like a hot, nasty mess in your nether regions, my friend.

But the good news is it’s now January and therefore your hoo-hah is most likely under wraps. (Well, unless you’re some kind of “Craigslist model.”) But as all women know, winter is always a good time for the regrowth and reforestation of the pubes, so I advise you to just let your body do what’s natural right now. It’s what we in the professional beauty business call the “Wintering Hippie” phase. Doobage smoking and tie-dye t-shirt optional, of course.

But, come spring, it’s time to take Bikini Action! My internet research on ingrown pubic hairs, the visuals of which will scar me until my untimely death, tells me that people with coarse, dark hair are usually the most affected and that they must resist the urge to “perform DIY surgery” on their owie spots. Yeah. Shudder at that one. But I did find this website to be very informational.

I also read that you may want to consider either laser hair removal and/or electrolysis, which are permanent solutions. They might be costly and take some time, but they also supposedly work really well on dark hair and prevent future ingrown hairs. Yay! (Readers—weigh in if you’ve had this done and lived to tell the tale.)

Of course, if you’re truly upset about having to do anything to your pubic hair, then just leave it au natural. I, for one, would be happy to see a woman walking around the pool with a huge Afro poking out of her bikini bottoms. Mostly because it’d distract people from looking at my thunder thighs, but also because it’d show society that we women are free to do whatever the hell we want with our pubic hair. Especially if it doesn’t cause us any unnecessary pain.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

why do women get so angry every time they bleed? …if i cut myself shaving, i don’t fly into a rage, push massive bars of chocolate into my mouth and moan about how fat my arse is.

Signed,

Thomas

__________________

Dear Thomas,

Wow, thank you for taking time out of your busy day at Charm School to send in your question, Thomas! We know it’s really hard for a distinguished gentleman like yourself to find a computer, much less figure out how to spell words and use punctuation without the help of a correctional facility volunteer, so please know that we here at The Mouthy Housewives deeply appreciate your efforts. Now, on to your question!

Asking why women get so “angry” every time they “bleed” when you, a man, are able to easily handle a shaving cut tells me right off that you’re an expert in biology. Sweet AND smart! Hubba hubba! But honestly, not many people realize that a woman’s reproductive system works exactly like a man’s cheek, so kudos to you, sir. You are obviously a life-long subscriber to The New England Journal of Medicine and we bow to your amazing medical expertise.

Now, regarding why we women push massive bars of chocolate into our mouths and moan about how fat our arses are whenever we bleed—well, the answer is very simple, Thomas: we’re f&*#ing idiots. We’re weak, powerless and completely inferior in every way to you and your ilk. But come on, you already knew that, didn’t you? You were just using your dumbass, backwards question to flirt with us via the chickenshit anonymity of the internet, weren’t you? You SCAMP! You cheeky monkey! LOL.

Anyway, it’s been nice chatting with you, Thomas, but we’ll let you go because we know you’re a very busy, important man and you probably have tons more research to do on behalf of the International Women Haterz Club. But if you have any other thoughtful, intelligent questions about females, please be sure to let us know and we’ll answer them right away.

Well, unless we’re “bleeding,” of course. Then you can just go ahead and f*&k yourself.

Cheers!

Wendi, TMH

This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:

In 2012, Marinka resolves to:

Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.

Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.

Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.

Wendi resolves to:

Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.

Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”

Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.

Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.

Tonya resolves to:

Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)

Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.

Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.

Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.

Kristine resolves to:

Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!

Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.

Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.

Kelcey resolves:

To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.

To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris.  For a very long time.

To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.

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Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!

My mom has no family other than me, which my in-laws are aware of, yet for the past few years they’ve hosted Christmas at their house and haven’t invited her. They live out of state, so my husband and I end up fighting over where I’m “supposed” to go, and I inevitably end up staying with my mom while he travels alone to see his family.

I don’t see why my mom should have to sit home alone on Christmas when she could easily be invited. Her apartment is too small to host a holiday herself, but my husband and I have hosted many holidays at our house and his parents, siblings and the siblings’ girlfriends and boyfriends are always invited. I wouldn’t ever exclude one or both of his parents.

My in-laws also think nothing of discussing Christmas plans in front of my mom when they visit for other holidays, even though she’s the only person in the room who’s not invited, which she finds very hurtful. When I’ve brought up the issue to them in the past, they claimed that they just “didn’t think of her” and she would be invited next time, but she never has been.

They’ve known my mom for years and seem to get along well with her, so I don’t know why she’s not welcome at their house. My husband has said he’s afraid of confronting his parents, so he won’t back me up if I raise the issue again. What should I do?

Signed,

My Mom’s Home Alone

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Dear My Mom’s Home Alone,

I usually try to understand both sides of an issue before I give my brilliant Mouthy Housewives advice, however this time I’m not doing that. Because I absolutely-100%-without- even-a-hint-of-a-doubt think this: your in-laws are being jerks.

Unless your mom is an obnoxious drunk or a racist or a loudmouth about her political/religious/Kardashian views, I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t include her when they know it means so much to their daughter-in-law. My parents happily invited my husband’s mom and dad to our family gatherings from the moment we were engaged and even celebrated birthdays with them when we weren’t there. And more recently, my dad has graciously invited elderly military widows to our Christmas dinners so they don’t have to spend the day alone. (Which is a wonderful thing until that scrappy Edith tries to steal the last drumstick.)

As to why your in-laws being so stingy in this time of giving? Well, they could be one of those families that tend to be rather clannish and don’t like outsiders. (“It’s just The Andersons!”) Or they don’t like your mother for some reason they won’t disclose. Or maybe, and most probably, they’re just completely thoughtless. But the reason doesn’t really matter when it’s causing you and your mom so much hurt.

My advice is to tell your husband again that this is a huge problem for you. They’re his parents, and you’ve already let them know how you feel, so he’s got to man up and talk to them. If he does, great. If not, tell him that you’ll be spending the holiday with your mother and not him. It’s an unfortunate situation, but nobody should be alone on the holidays and you’re a good daughter for knowing that.

I wish you the best of luck with the situation and welcome any of our readers to weigh in with their advice. As Washington Irving said, “Christmas! ‘Tis the season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” Hopefully your in-laws will pull their heads out and realize the wisdom of that sentiment some day soon.

Best,

Wendi, TMH

On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.

See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.

The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.

Have fun!

Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!

Be-Clause I Said So

I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus

* * *

Off My Chest-Nut

Chest-Nuts To You

* * *

Egg You On Nog

Don’t Be Eggnogious

* * *

Stop Stocking Me

Stocking Hanging On My Legs

* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild

Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies

* * *

Naughty Is the New Nice

Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty

* * *

The Mistletoe Position

Keep Me On My Mistletoe

* * *

Shopping Frenzy

Black Friday Redux