The Case of the Random Cat Food
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A mystery is afoot in my home. Last weekend, I went in to do my 8th load of laundry for the day and found a 25 pound bag of cat food in my utility room. I had to step over it to get to the washer and dryer. No one in my house knows anything about it. Not even the cat. My only clue is that it is Kirkland cat food (Costco house brand). Now I WAS at Costco last week and my brain is not what it used to be – after 4 kids, chemo, and now early-onset-menopause, but I think I would have REMEMBERED buying a bag of cat food that weighs as much as my 3-yr-old. Please help me solve this mystery!
Signed,
Perplexed in Texas
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Dear Perplexed in Texas,
Boy, have you come to the right place, because if the Mouthy Housewives are good at anything, it’s solving mysteries. Like last week when we cracked “The Case of Mommy’s Missing Youth and Beauty.” (The kids did it.) Or the week before when we tackled “The Case of the Nasty, Dirty Socks.” (The husband did it.) And last night we successfully investigated “The Case of the Missing Jug of Wine.” (The drunk blonde found passed out in her closet with Halloween candy smeared all over her face did it.) (Again.)
Now on to “The Case of the Random Cat Food.” Using my superior sleuthing skills, I’ve put together this list of potential suspects:
Suspect #1: Your husband. He may be pulling a “Gaslight” on you and is trying to make you think you’re going crazy. However, most husbands actually don’t want their wives locked up in a padded room because then there’s nobody home to do the laundry. Innocent.
Suspect #2: Your kids. See above, only substitute “do the laundry” for “cook the meals.” Innocent.
Suspect #3: Your weird neighbor with the Garfield tattoo who calls himself “The Friskies Fairy” and who has already been arrested twice for leaving fluffy cat toys in random strangers’ homes. But, come on, this guy is way too obvious. Innocent.
Suspect #4: The cat. This one makes the most sense, however per Texas law, most housecats can’t get memberships to Costco without two forms of ID. Innocent.
Suspect #5: You. Between the laundry, the babies, and the chemo, it’s highly probable that your memory has taken an understandable hit lately. Guilty.
Sorry to finger you as the culprit, but in all likelihood, it was you who went to Costco, bought the cat food and plunked it down in the laundry room. Only because of everything else you’re doing, you just don’t remember any of it. (Which isn’t such a bad thing, really. I mean, who wants to remember trips to the pet food aisle, anyway?) However, if you’re concerned about this forgetfulness, talk to your doctor. You can also check out the memory tips I found here.
I hope this solves your mystery. And maybe the next time something mysterious appears in your laundry room, you should make sure it’s in a silver shopping bag from Nordstrom.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
Please check out The Mouthy Housewives review of the Swiffer hand held duster. It’s super fancy and magical! And we want to share it with you!
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Uh-oh, Mommy Had An Accident!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a young, vibrant, gorgeous (ahem) 25-year-old mother of a 3-year-old and a 10-month old baby. While they haven’t been potty trained yet, I think I have a bigger problem: I think that I need potty training. I try to go to the bathroom as soon as I feel the need, but if I wait even a few minutes and someone tells a joke, or I cough or sneeze – it’s all over. All over me, I mean. Urine is sterile, but my coworkers don’t seem to think that’s an acceptable excuse for walking around the office in piss-stained pants and underwear. I really can’t bring myself to buy Depends. What should I do?
Signed,
Leaky Louise
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Dear Leaky Louise,
Ah, the post-baby body. It is truly a glorious thing to behold, is it not? The squishy tummy, the jiggly thighs, the boobs that look like deflated party balloons—it’s just a complete delight. Luckily, the physical stuff snaps back pretty fast for the majority of new mothers, especially the ones featured in US Weekly’s latest “Body After Baby” pictorials. (Oh, Melissa Joan Hart. How do you do it?)
But unfortunately, it sounds like your problem is one of the more more lasting pregnancy souvenirs—-that of “urinary incontinence.” (Or as my mother used to call it, “Dammit, Wendi, why the hell’d you have to make me laugh in Macy’s? Now my pants are all wet and I look like I need to be put in a home.”)
UI is usually caused by weak pelvic floor muscles, but the good news is those muscles can easily be strengthened by doing your Kegel exercises. (I’m sure your OB/GYN would love to tell you about this in more detail. I know mine is a total Kegel freakazoid.) Some other tactics you can use to prevent embarrassing leaks are to cross your legs whenever you sneeze, cut back on caffeine, and maybe invest in a box or two of pantyliners.
But most important, go to the bathroom as soon as you think you need to go. Put down the phone, leave a meeting, stop Googling Matt Damon, whatever. Just get there. Maybe even buy a “Potty Success” chart and put gold stars on it if you think it’ll help you remember. And if that still doesn’t work, make an appointment with your doctor.
Now just to be on the safe side, stop reading and visit the bathroom before I say something funny.
Best,
Wendi, TMH
This week on The Mouthy Housewives, we are giving away a simply divine diaper bag from Baby Star. It’s so gorgeous, you don’t even need a baby to use it. Trust me, the other moms will be silently stewing in envy. Click here to find out about the giveaway and how to enter.
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My Husband’s Oversharing on Facebook
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Every time my husband has an orgasm, he likes to update his Facebook status with ‘I just had an orgasm!’ He gets lots of thumbs up ‘I like this’ from his friends and lots of comments like ‘Way to go, douche!’ This only encourages him and I’m very embarrassed by it all. Thankfully, none of my mom friends are on his FB, just his guy friends. Should I be worried?
Signed,
Facebook Freakout
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Dear Facebook Freakout,
Huh. Well, this certainly is a new one. Allow me to just pick my jaw up off the floor and yelp, “What the f**k!?” a few times before I even attempt to answer your question.
OK, all better.
Now, is your husband 16-years-old? Does he work in a locker room? Is his name Kanye West? Or is he just a garden variety, inconsiderate jackass? Because what he’s doing to the privacy of your marriage is just beyond the pale. Totally beyond, my friend. So beyond that you couldn’t even see it with the Hubble Space Telescope if you tried, that’s how beyond we’re talking here. Yikes.
But let’s assume that he’s not a major league d-bag, rather he’s just caught up in our narcissistic culture in which every thought, word and deed has to be blogged, texted or Twittered about. Maybe he thinks, “Well, I tell my friends when I go to Home Depot, so why not let them know when I just got my rocks off with my wife, too?” If that’s the case, then simply tell him that he’s oversharing in a BIG way, and to knock it the hell off because it’s making you very upset.
If, however, he’s telling his FB friends that he scored because he thinks it’s cool or funny, then I have another, less civil tactic for you to take. The next time he updates his status with, “I just had an orgasm!”, get up, go straight to your computer and promptly update your Facebook status with the words, “I just faked it!”
Problem solved.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Stop Being A Jerk, You Jerk
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Do you have any advice on how to deal with real life jerks? Twice already today I’ve been yelled at — YELLED at — by complete strangers. I personally avoid confrontation in my real life, and would never dream of yelling at a stranger.
First, as I was walking my large dog and my baby in her stroller, a guy yelled that he couldn’t believe my daughter didn’t have on shoes and socks (she was in her stroller with long pants and a long sleeve shirt and it was in the 60s – she was FINE). Not five minutes later we encountered another dog walker. There wasn’t room for both of us on the sidewalk, and as I was blocked from crossing the street by a line of cars parked next to me I asked her to cross – nicely, I swear. I was harried, because I was trying to control my dog and deal with my baby. She crossed, then yelled back at me in a nasty voice once she had passed me that I should have said PLEASE. I honestly thought I had – but I was trying to reign in my dog and pacify my screaming baby.
UGH. I had no snappy comebacks for either of them. In fact, I’m such an emotional mess lately that it all just made me cry. I’m just wondering if you have any ‘kill them with kindness’ or other type of remarks. I’m not quick on my feet like that.
Signed,
Ready for a Comeback
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Dear Ready for a Comeback,
A funny thing happens the moment you become visibly pregnant–suddenly everyone thinks they have a right to give you their opinion. They’ll tell you if you’re eating too much, they’ll tell you if you’re not eating enough, and man, do they ever tell you if you’re slamming too many tequila shots when you’re bellied up to the bar at your baby shower. The nerve of some people.
But in all seriousness, when you’re out in public with your baby or your kids or your dog, it’s like you’re fair game to some people. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been given “well meaning” advice from a random stranger as to how I should be raising my kids. This really bothered me back when I was in my sleep-deprived, new mother stage—much as it’s bothering you—but now I don’t give a rat’s ass about real-life jerks. Here’s why:
First, I’ve come to the realization that someone who acts like a jerk is most likely a completely miserable person, and therefore, their anger has nothing to do with you personally. They’re just looking for a reason to be a world-class a-hole. Second, how much a jerky comment gets under your skin is completely up to you, so train yourself to let their nastiness roll off your back like water off a duck. This isn’t always easy, and may involve some deep breathing, but trust me, it works. And third, always try to react in a way that makes your parents and your children proud. Meaning, take the high road if at all possible.
But of course I wouldn’t be a Mouthy Housewife if I didn’t have a few choice comebacks up my sleeve, so here’s a couple to use (but only in case of emergency):
1. I’m sorry I didn’t say “please,” but I figured you didn’t know what that word meant in Bitchville.
2. Yes, I know my baby should be wearing shoes and socks, but trust me, she’s keeping warm from all that peach schnapps I just put in her bottle.
And my personal favorite, which has taken me years and years to perfect and should only be used as the last possible resort:
3. F*&K YOU, YOU F&*CKING F&#WAD!!
(Note: What this one lacks in finesse, it makes up for in the sheer pleasure of yelling it at the top of your lungs while also performing specially choreographed obscene finger gestures.)
Let’s hope your walks will be more pleasant from now on. But if they aren’t, just remember that if you let yourself get upset by something someone yells at you, you’re letting the a-holes win.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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It’s a TMH Book Giveaway! The wonderful Izzy Rose from Stepmother’s Milk has a wonderful new memoir out called The Package Deal: My (Not So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom and we’ll be giving a copy away to one lucky reader this week! To enter, simply leave a comment on any post this week, and for an additional entry, send us a question to answer to ask@mouthyhousewives.com and you’ll be entered to win. (Questions will be posted anonymously!) Good luck!
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Um, Your Honor, what do you think of these pants?
Dear TMH,
I feel like such a dork. Yesterday, I had to go to court as a witness for the prosecution (not as dramatic as it sounds – it was a case of egging by a 28 year-old woman). My mother and husband (who were also subpoenaed as witnesses for the prosecution) and I were all dressed nicely, but we felt so out of place. There was one woman there trying to convince the judge that, after 2 DWI’s, she shouldn’t lose her license. She was wearing a belly shirt, blue jeans, and flip-flops. Another woman was up on assault and disorderly conduct charges, and she was wearing a lovely velvet ensemble complete with velvet flip-flops. All of the marijuana offenders wore dirty t-shirts and blue jeans. Oh, Mouthy Housewives, I could go on and on. But my question is this: what would be appropriate attire to wear to court so that I do not feel like such a preppy dork?
Thanks for your help,
Dorky Dressing Darling
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Dear Dorky,
Let me get this straight: YOU felt out of place in a room full of felons and would like me to advise you on how to make a better fashion choice so you can feel more like one of them?
Wow, talk about reaching for the stars.
You were in that courtroom as a witness to a crime, a crime committed by a woman who most likely has the maturity of a 12-year-old boy running around on Halloween night high as a kite on Milk Duds. The question is, what are the chances that you are ever going to find yourself in a similar position? I’m guessing close to zero.
You should be proud to look like a preppy dork because it seems to me all those that didn’t were going to be spending their nights in the big house while you went home in your madras pants and Lilly Pulitzer cotton-tee and slept in a room where you didn’t have to scream “Guard,” every time you wanted to take a walk around “the yard”.
I think the solution here has nothing to do with fashion. You need to go and talk to someone as to why you’d want to be a part of this group in the first place. Peer pressure abounds, even amongst adults, I know, but these people are not your peers. (Although if Mr. Marijuana man goes by the name “Dean Bong,” he could possibly be a man I dated briefly back in the 80’s.)
Basically, as my mother says, as long as what you’re doing is moral, ethical and legal, it doesn’t matter if you’re dressed in a polo shirt, Prada pantsuit or a Mr. Potato Head costume, you are a good person and that is what matters above all else. Good Luck.
Love,
Jessica, TMH
