A Match Made In (Something Slightly South Of) Heaven
hello mouth housewife,
my name is juliet. i am a lady
i saw your profile today on this dating site and became interested in you so i will like us to be friend,
please send your email address to my box so that i will send my picture to you and tell you more about me. i wait your email.
thanks.
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Dear Juliet,
Wow—what an exciting email to receive! We were just so completely flattered and thrilled when we saw this land in our Mouthy Housewives mailbox. After all, it’s not every day that we have someone tell us that they’d like us to be friend. You are just such a sweetheart, Juliet A Lady! Such a (grammatically challenged and possibly a little slow) sweetheart!
Now, we have to admit that we’re a tad confused as which dating site had our glamorous profile listed. Was it Swifferbitches.com? HotCougarMuffinTops.com? Or our old standby Guns-n-Ammo.com?
Sorry to ask, but it’s really hard for us to keep track of how many online identities we create in a single day. Why, Heather and Marinka have been working non-stop all summer long to make sure we haven’t missed even a single Latin Americans Over 80 dating website. (Next up: China and the Canary Islands!)
Anyway, per your request, we will most certainly send an email to “your box” as soon as we can. We can’t wait to see your picture and exact measurements and oddly shaped birthmarks and…what’s that? Sorry, Juliet, but Kelcey just stomped into the Mouthy Housewives HQ to give me a little folded note. Probably something about how cute I look in these espadrilles today, but—oh, no. Oh, f*ck. Hold the phone, babe. It seems that Kelcey and the rest of the Housewives all figured out “a long ass time ago” that your email was…SPAM. Dear Lord. SPAM! Well, color me red in the face, Juliet! You don’t want to be friend after all, you just want to trick us into some sort of nefarious internet dealings wherein we lose our homes and have to live in an un-airconditioned box under the freeway! Thanks a lot, you lower case loser! Thanks a LOT!
So consider this your good-bye, Juliet A Lady. We wish it could have worked out between us, but it seems that the Mouthy Housewives are far too savvy to fall for silly scams like yours. Far. Too. Savvy!
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for the party we’re throwing tonight for a Nigerian Prince. We think he’s just going to love it!
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Leave My Friends Out of Your Fantasies!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have the classic ‘caught my bf w/porn’ situation, but with a twist. I am not that comfortable with any kind of porn, but he has accidentally left it on his computer screen (downloads of ALL kinds) and I have somewhat given up caring even though it still stings just a little bit. But what really killed me was when I found a picture (downloaded from Facebook) of one of my best friends opened on the computer screen. Trying to keep an open mind, I thought of different situations that might require him to have said pic (other than jerking off), but when I looked at where the pic was coming from it was in a folder with all his other porn with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know in it. I was disgusted!!
It left some awful mental images that still hurt and still make it hard to look at my friends in the eye. I tearfully confronted him about it, and he said he was sorry and deleted it ALL (even the “regular” porn). I am trying to accept that porn is ‘normal,’ but I thought he knew that I was NOT comfortable with the friend thing AT ALL. Then today I just found a folder filled with pictures of another friend of ours—pics of her, her with husband (his bff), her with her child- – stored in his porn collection.
I am hurt, again. I love him, and he is caring and wonderful, but this TOTALLY pisses me off. Because it’s someone I know. Is this normal? Am I right to be upset? I understand guys love to masturbate, but that is not the issue that I am concerned about. It’s more that he likes to do it to my pictures of my/our friends. THAT is what totally bothers me – am I crazy? Advice PLEASE!!!
Signed,
Perplexed
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Dear Perplexed,
Good lord, my picture wasn’t there, was it? Because I have a face that has launched a thousand…anyway. I firmly believe that people should masturbate to whatever thoughts/images they want, as long as I don’t have to know about it. But you already do know about it, and it’s going to be hard to unring that bell.
Yes, I’ve heard that guys love to masturbate, and I’ve even read a rumor that women enjoy it too. But that doesn’t mean that you need to be okay with your boyfriend’s masturbating to family portraits of your friends and loved ones. Because that crosses all sorts of lines of common decency and normal behavior and totally gags me.
There are two (ish) problems that I see here.
1. You don’t like the idea of porn, whereas your boyfriend seems to have overcome his discomfort with it.
2. You are superduper uncomfortable with the idea of his having sexual thoughts about every person you have ever met.
The “ish” part comes in because you were snooping in his computer. Which is a huge sign of mistrust. And you were rewarded for your detective work with a confirmation that he’s back to his habits.
You describe your boyfriend as caring and wonderful and he very well may be, but it doesn’t make him a good match for you. Because his behavior is upsetting and hurtful to you, and in my cyber-professional opinion, it’s unlikely to change. If you want to salvage the relationship, I recommend scheduling a few sessions with a couples therapist to air the issues between you. If this is behavior that he can change, he will need to make the decision to do so. Otherwise, you should save yourself a lifetime of hiding holiday photo cards and move on.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Hey, You!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
This is the most ridiculous question ever but I don’t know my cleaning woman’s name. She has pronounced it for me several times but she has such a thick accent that I can never quite get it. I once asked her to spell it so I could put it in my phone but what she spelled seemed to have no correlation to how she pronounced it. At this point, I’m totally embarrassed to ask her again. She is really good at her job and I don’t want to insult her. Please help.
Signed,
What’s in a Name?
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Dear Name,
You’re kidding me, right? Not only do you have to pay these people, but now they have a name? And if I’m reading between the lines here accurately, a non-American one at that. Some people have nerve. I’m really starting to understand why our forefathers, welcoming the off-the-boat immigrants to Ellis Island, just Americanized their names. Because they foresaw this exact problem, and they didn’t have our foremothers, The Mouthy Housewives, to turn to. It’s amazing that the country didn’t implode.
But I definitely see your problem. If immigration comes knocking (you’re not in Arizona, are you?) you want to be able to pronounce her name correctly.
So here are your options:
Have a friend pop by while the cleaning woman is there. Do one of those half-assed introductions, “Oh, let me introduce you–this is my friend Charlotte, and this is- ” and then be seized with a coughing, sneezing or some other kind of involuntary fit that will allow you to suspend the introduction and hopefully the cleaning woman will take over. This is tricky because you’ll have to make sure that you’re coughing/sneezing/seizing quietly so that your friend can actually hear the name. Repeat with as many friends as necessary, alternating fits.
To take it up a notch, insist that one of your friends hires this woman. This way, the friend is tasked with finding out her name, its etymology and reporting it back to you. The obvious benefit to this is that someone else does all the work. The possible problem is that perhaps none of your friends is looking to hire a cleaning woman right now, but that’s because they are not thinking of The Greater Good. You should probably report them to Homeland Security.
Another idea, only if you’ve tried everything else (including consulting a psychic) is to ask your cleaning lady directly. Say something like, “I’m really embarrassed, but I’m having a hard time pronouncing your first name. Can you say it again, slowly?” This has the benefit of implying that you have absolutely no problem pronouncing her middle and last names, as well as the names of all her ancestors and pets.
And if all else fails, just call her Supreme Goddess of Cleanliness. Or Heidi Klum.
Good luck,
Marinj’kah, TMH
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Is There an Amber Alert for Missing Panties?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My brother was visiting us with his girlfriend over the weekend and I found a pair of her underwear under the bed after they left. I think that I should just throw it out and spare her the mortification, but when I mentioned it to my girlfriend, she thought that my reaction was odd and that I should just mail the pair to my brother’s girlfriend. What would you do?
Signed,
Panties in Limbo
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Dear Panties in Limbo,
The very first thing I would do is find a new gal pal. She thinks you’re odd, yet thinks nothing of stray panties arriving by mail. She probably thinks powdered-filled envelopes are quite fine too. I hope you aren’t on her holiday card list.
Next, I would closely examine the panties. Are they el cheapo Hanes packaged underwear? If so, they are easily replaced so toss them and save both you and your brother’s girlfriend the embarrassment.
However, if they appear be department store underwear that is stylish and sexy, yet look as if they do not crawl or wedge, that’s a more difficult situation. As a woman, I know sexy yet comfortable underwear is worth the current price of gold. Honest to god, I don’t know why such underwear isn’t traded on Wall Street, that is how valuable such a commodity it is.
I know what it is like to have panties go missing. In college, my boyfriend accidentally scooped up a pair of mine with his dirty clothes, visited his parents for a weekend with his dirty clothes, and guess what? His MOTHER did his laundry. Gah! She didn’t say anything, but I almost died from mortification when he discovered my underwear folded in with his clean clothes. And then I practically gave myself a brain aneurysm trying to remember when I went back to my college apartment with no panties on. I may not remember that, but I do remember this lesson from college calculus: Frat parties + booze + boyfriends = missing underwear. (I’m like Brittany Spears, but with a college education.)
It happened again, years down the road when I was a respectable married woman (to that very same boyfriend!) We were visiting my family and I unknowingly left my FAVORITE pair of sexy, lacy black panties that do NOT creep or crawl: in other words, my stock market panties. Having found them a few weeks later, my mother accused my father of having an affair before they figured out they were my panties. Sadly, I had to burn those panties after the emotional pain they caused. It’s like they were cursed.
So should you toss your brother’s girlfriends panties or mail them to her? If there is one thing I’ve learned from my rogue panty experience, it’s that there’s always another pair of panties out there to be purchased, but there are some embarrassments that never go away. Especially after you’ve put them on the internet.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Did You Hear the Latest About My Celebrity Gossip Addiction?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Every time I see a headline that says Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (aka “Brangelina”) are splitting, my eyes light up. I admit that I really look forward to their eventual break-up and the rumors are just delicious. My friend told me that I should get a life and she also said something about karma. Am I wrong to root for their demise? It’s not like I have any say in the situation.
Signed,
Not Jennifer Aniston
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Dear Not Jennifer Aniston,
First of all, Not Jen, let me just tell you that TheMouthyHousewives.com is not a celebrity gossip blog, so a question like this isn’t exactly our area of expertise. Marinka, Kelcey, Heather and I much prefer to put our fake psychology degrees from Harvard to better, more globally important use. Or maybe you missed last week’s Jungian analysis of booger eating?
Wait, what? Who am I freakin’ kidding? OF COURSE we love questions about celebrities! In fact, as soon as this one hit our inbox, we pushed each other around like a gaggle of rabid Roller Girls just to get our greasy little mitts on it. (I only won because of my superior Tae-Bo training.)
Believe it or not, that feeling of excitement you get whenever you hear a break-up rumor about Brangelina (or as I like to call then “Angrad”) actually has a big, German word associated with it. Ready?
Schadenfreude: The satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.
Let’s try using our new word in a sentence (ahem): “I felt major schadenfreude at the gym last week when Fake Boobs Megan split her yoga pants doing squats.”
Now, I don’t think you need me to go into a whole diatribe about how Angrab are real people, how their personal life really shouldn’t be examined, how your interest in them is just some weird form of escapism brought on by our celebrity-crazed culture, how you want them to fail to feel better about yourself, how Angelina majorly manipulates the press so she needs to take the bad with the good and blah blah blah blah. I’m not going to say any of that because you don’t need me to.
What I AM going to tell you is that it’s better for your soul if you stop gossiping about celebrities you’ve never met. Instead, you should do what our mothers and our grandmothers and our great-grandmothers did back when the world was a kinder, gentler, less vicious place: Gossip about your neighbors.
Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
