Up Close And Personal With The Housewives: Meet Wendi!
Guess what, people? Now you no longer have to dig through our trashcans and spy on us with telephoto lenses to find out what really makes us tick! Because today we start an exciting new feature here at The Mouthy Housewives: Meet Your Housewives! (Where the damn confetti cannon at? Marinka, weren’t you in charge of that?)
Anyway, since you all read our words every week and dream about hanging out with us at the Paramus Mall Food Court, we’re now giving you the chance to know our deepest, darkest secrets. (Or at least the ones that don’t include what we did to that cagey Tunisian drifter back in ’87. Trust us, we’ll never tell.) But we just know we’ll all feel like BFFs by the time we’re done with this fun new feature! {{Hugs.}}
Today, let’s meet WENDI.
Name: Wendi Aarons
Age: STFU
Hometown: Austin, Texas
Here’s a glamour shot of Wendi enjoying herself at the ultra chic Great Wolf Lodge. Isn’t she just gorgeous with those Wolf Ears? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect she keeps them in her nightstand drawer for those times she wants to get really wild. Rwor!
And now, Wendi answers some probing questions asked by her lovely Sister Wives!
Dear Wendi:
What’s your spirit animal?
Is Chardonnay an animal?
What’s your sign? And major? And are those space pants you’re wearing?
Scorpio, Film and Duh.
Which Kardashian are you?
Klingon, the one they keep in the shed with their coffins and cases of hair dye.
Most embarrassing moment as a mother?
Walking through Banana Republic with my nursing bra flaps unhooked. Whee!
Favorite Real Housewife?
Ramoner!
If your neighborhood did superlatives, what would you be voted as?
(tie) Most Likely To Report People For Leaving Their Trashcans Out and Best Ass
What plastic surgery will you get first?
Pec implants.
Are you a natural blonde?
I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer, Tonya. Haters gonna hate.
Who would portray you in a Lifetime movie?
Drunk Tracey Gold or sober Sammy Hagar.
Celebrity crush when you were 16 and now?
George Michael. And it’s still George Michael even though, yes, Kristine, I know he doesn’t swing my way and I’m perfectly fine with that because we connect on a deeper, pop music level and OMG I TOTALLY KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM SWITCH TEAMS IF I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT COP.
What name does your husband call you?
We only use our celestial names at home, so “Xyzyzyzyzy.” Or “Stop Using All Of The Hot Water, Dummy.”
Can you say “making love” without cringing?
Yes! Watch: Mak….makin….making lo-hhhhhhvvv…making looo-hhhh…OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP DRY HEAVING! WHO HAS A PAPER BAG CAUSE MAMA GONNA DO A PUKE!
Who is your favorite Mouthy Housewife?
Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to answer this, Kelcey. Do you think I want another table flipping brawl in the TMH cabana? Honestly, woman.
What was your first car?
A 1980 sky blue Nova that didn’t go in reverse. Thanks, mom and dad!
What’s your bra size?
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact. The end.
Favorite classic book?
Is Chardonnay a book?
Whooo! Now that you know Wendi better, feel free to send her gift cards and any of your spare pharmaceuticals. And we’ll be back soon with yet another Meet Your Housewives! Happy weekend, everyone!
28 Comments <-- Click to comment
Why Do Women Get So Angry Every Time They Bleed?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
why do women get so angry every time they bleed? …if i cut myself shaving, i don’t fly into a rage, push massive bars of chocolate into my mouth and moan about how fat my arse is.
Signed,
Thomas
__________________
Dear Thomas,
Wow, thank you for taking time out of your busy day at Charm School to send in your question, Thomas! We know it’s really hard for a distinguished gentleman like yourself to find a computer, much less figure out how to spell words and use punctuation without the help of a correctional facility volunteer, so please know that we here at The Mouthy Housewives deeply appreciate your efforts. Now, on to your question!
Asking why women get so “angry” every time they “bleed” when you, a man, are able to easily handle a shaving cut tells me right off that you’re an expert in biology. Sweet AND smart! Hubba hubba! But honestly, not many people realize that a woman’s reproductive system works exactly like a man’s cheek, so kudos to you, sir. You are obviously a life-long subscriber to The New England Journal of Medicine and we bow to your amazing medical expertise.
Now, regarding why we women push massive bars of chocolate into our mouths and moan about how fat our arses are whenever we bleed—well, the answer is very simple, Thomas: we’re f&*#ing idiots. We’re weak, powerless and completely inferior in every way to you and your ilk. But come on, you already knew that, didn’t you? You were just using your dumbass, backwards question to flirt with us via the chickenshit anonymity of the internet, weren’t you? You SCAMP! You cheeky monkey! LOL.
Anyway, it’s been nice chatting with you, Thomas, but we’ll let you go because we know you’re a very busy, important man and you probably have tons more research to do on behalf of the International Women Haterz Club. But if you have any other thoughtful, intelligent questions about females, please be sure to let us know and we’ll answer them right away.
Well, unless we’re “bleeding,” of course. Then you can just go ahead and f*&k yourself.
Cheers!
Wendi, TMH
42 Comments <-- Click to comment
My Sister-In-Law Has A Cold So She’s Calling The Cops On My Husband!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”
I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??
My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.
Signed,
Sad and Sickened
——————————————–
Dear Sad and Sickened,
Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?
It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection. Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.
Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.
At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any validity to her indictment. It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
19 Comments <-- Click to comment
Friday Fun: Spot The Fake Nail Polish Color!
Are you ready for the joyous holiday season? And more importantly, are your nails? And toes?! Because what if someone whisks you off on a Caribbean vacation? You don’t want to experience the humiliation of winter toe nails.
On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.
See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.
The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.
Have fun!
Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!
Be-Clause I Said So
I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus
* * *
Off My Chest-Nut
Chest-Nuts To You
* * *
Egg You On Nog
Don’t Be Eggnogious
* * *
Stop Stocking Me
Stocking Hanging On My Legs
* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild
Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies
* * *
Naughty Is the New Nice
Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty
* * *
The Mistletoe Position
Keep Me On My Mistletoe
* * *
Shopping Frenzy
Black Friday Redux
25 Comments <-- Click to comment
My OB/GYN is Selling Sex Toys?!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I haven’t been very good about going to my OB since my son was born. I even lost his number. So I googled him and I found out he now sells sex toys out of his office. Things like vibrators, cock rings and butt plugs. Oh my gosh. Should I find a new OB/GYN or is this kind of thing okay? I really like my OB/GYN but not sure if I groove with his new side business.
Signed,
I Just Wanted a Pap Smear
_____________________________________
Dear Pap (Can I call you that?),
I once knew a single girl who made out with her hot married Podiatrist. Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with your issue except they both go under the heading, “Weird crap that can happen when you go to the doctor.” And I also had to share because, can you believe she made out with her hot married Podiatrist?!! I guess he liked her feet.
Anyway, I’m a big fan of multi-tasking. I mean, who doesn’t love getting your eyebrows threaded, your bikini waxed and your hair highlighted all in one salon visit? So now you can just get more done at your OB/GYN. Vaginal exam? Check. Breast examination? Check. Picked out new 3 speed vibrator? Check. See what I mean? It’s a real time saver.
I actually don’t think an OB/GYN’s office is the craziest place to sell sex toys. As long as your doctor isn’t hawking his wares in the middle of an examination, it seems fine to me. After all, he’s doling out birth control, fertility medicine and treating STDs. So there is already a lot of talk about sex in his office.
But if it feels strange to you to buy a sex toy at the same place you hand over your insurance co-pay, then find another doctor. You know, one that doesn’t have butt plugs available on demand. But if he’s a great doctor, I wouldn’t let this bother you at all.
Either way, go get yourself a pap smear. Stat.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
RSS Feed
