Anyway, since you all read our words every week and dream about hanging out with us at the Paramus Mall Food Court, we’re now giving you the chance to know our deepest, darkest secrets. (Or at least the ones that don’t include what we did to that cagey Tunisian drifter back in ’87. Trust us, we’ll never tell.) But we just know we’ll all feel like BFFs by the time we’re done with this fun new feature! {{Hugs.}}

Today, let’s meet WENDI.

Name: Wendi Aarons

Age: STFU

Hometown: Austin, Texas

Here’s a glamour shot of Wendi enjoying herself at the ultra chic Great Wolf Lodge. Isn’t she just gorgeous with those Wolf Ears? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect she keeps them in her nightstand drawer for those times she wants to get really wild. Rwor!

And now, Wendi answers some probing questions asked by her lovely Sister Wives!

Dear Wendi:

What’s your spirit animal?
Is Chardonnay an animal?

What’s your sign? And major? And are those space pants you’re wearing?
Scorpio, Film and Duh.

Which Kardashian are you?
Klingon, the one they keep in the shed with their coffins and cases of hair dye.

Most embarrassing moment as a mother?
Walking through Banana Republic with my nursing bra flaps unhooked. Whee!

Favorite Real Housewife?
Ramoner!

If your neighborhood did superlatives, what would you be voted as?
(tie) Most Likely To Report People For Leaving Their Trashcans Out and Best Ass

What plastic surgery will you get first?
Pec implants.

Are you a natural blonde?
I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer, Tonya. Haters gonna hate.

Who would portray you in a Lifetime movie?
Drunk Tracey Gold or sober Sammy Hagar.

Celebrity crush when you were 16 and now?
George Michael. And it’s still George Michael even though, yes, Kristine, I know he doesn’t swing my way and I’m perfectly fine with that because we connect on a deeper, pop music level and OMG I TOTALLY KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM SWITCH TEAMS IF I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT COP.

What name does your husband call you?
We only use our celestial names at home, so “Xyzyzyzyzy.” Or “Stop Using All Of The Hot Water, Dummy.”

Can you say “making love” without cringing?
Yes! Watch: Mak….makin….making lo-hhhhhhvvv…making looo-hhhh…OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP DRY HEAVING! WHO HAS A PAPER BAG CAUSE MAMA GONNA DO A PUKE!

Who is your favorite Mouthy Housewife?
Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to answer this, Kelcey. Do you think I want another table flipping brawl in the TMH cabana? Honestly, woman.

What was your first car?
A 1980 sky blue Nova that didn’t go in reverse. Thanks, mom and dad!

What’s your bra size?
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact. The end.

Favorite classic book?
Is Chardonnay a book?

Whooo! Now that you know Wendi better, feel free to send her gift cards and any of your spare pharmaceuticals. And we’ll be back soon with yet another Meet Your Housewives! Happy weekend, everyone!

why do women get so angry every time they bleed? …if i cut myself shaving, i don’t fly into a rage, push massive bars of chocolate into my mouth and moan about how fat my arse is.

Signed,

Thomas

__________________

Dear Thomas,

Wow, thank you for taking time out of your busy day at Charm School to send in your question, Thomas! We know it’s really hard for a distinguished gentleman like yourself to find a computer, much less figure out how to spell words and use punctuation without the help of a correctional facility volunteer, so please know that we here at The Mouthy Housewives deeply appreciate your efforts. Now, on to your question!

Asking why women get so “angry” every time they “bleed” when you, a man, are able to easily handle a shaving cut tells me right off that you’re an expert in biology. Sweet AND smart! Hubba hubba! But honestly, not many people realize that a woman’s reproductive system works exactly like a man’s cheek, so kudos to you, sir. You are obviously a life-long subscriber to The New England Journal of Medicine and we bow to your amazing medical expertise.

Now, regarding why we women push massive bars of chocolate into our mouths and moan about how fat our arses are whenever we bleed—well, the answer is very simple, Thomas: we’re f&*#ing idiots. We’re weak, powerless and completely inferior in every way to you and your ilk. But come on, you already knew that, didn’t you? You were just using your dumbass, backwards question to flirt with us via the chickenshit anonymity of the internet, weren’t you? You SCAMP! You cheeky monkey! LOL.

Anyway, it’s been nice chatting with you, Thomas, but we’ll let you go because we know you’re a very busy, important man and you probably have tons more research to do on behalf of the International Women Haterz Club. But if you have any other thoughtful, intelligent questions about females, please be sure to let us know and we’ll answer them right away.

Well, unless we’re “bleeding,” of course. Then you can just go ahead and f*&k yourself.

Cheers!

Wendi, TMH

I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”

I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??

My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.

Signed,

Sad and Sickened

——————————————–

Dear Sad and Sickened,

Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?

It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection.  Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.

Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.

At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any validity to her indictment. It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.

See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.

The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.

Have fun!

Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!

Be-Clause I Said So

I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus

* * *

Off My Chest-Nut

Chest-Nuts To You

* * *

Egg You On Nog

Don’t Be Eggnogious

* * *

Stop Stocking Me

Stocking Hanging On My Legs

* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild

Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies

* * *

Naughty Is the New Nice

Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty

* * *

The Mistletoe Position

Keep Me On My Mistletoe

* * *

Shopping Frenzy

Black Friday Redux

I haven’t been very good about going to my OB since my son was born. I even lost his number. So I googled him and I found out he now sells sex toys out of his office.  Things like vibrators, cock rings and butt plugs. Oh my gosh. Should I find a new OB/GYN or is this kind of thing okay? I really like my OB/GYN but not sure if I groove with his new side business.

Signed,

I Just Wanted a Pap Smear

_____________________________________

Dear Pap (Can I call you that?),

I once knew a single girl who made out with her hot married Podiatrist. Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with your issue except they both go under the heading, “Weird crap that can happen when you go to the doctor.” And I also had to share because, can you believe she made out with her hot married Podiatrist?!!  I guess he liked her feet.

Anyway, I’m a big fan of multi-tasking. I mean, who doesn’t love getting your eyebrows threaded, your bikini waxed and your hair highlighted all in one salon visit?  So now you can just get more done at your OB/GYN. Vaginal exam? Check. Breast examination? Check. Picked out new 3 speed vibrator? Check.  See what I mean? It’s a real time saver.

I actually don’t think an OB/GYN’s office is the craziest place to sell sex toys. As long as your doctor isn’t hawking his wares in the middle of an examination, it seems fine to me. After all, he’s doling out birth control, fertility medicine and treating STDs. So there is already a lot of talk about sex in his office.

But if it feels strange to you to buy a sex toy at the same place you hand over your insurance co-pay, then find another doctor. You know, one that doesn’t have butt plugs available on demand. But if he’s a great doctor, I wouldn’t let this bother you at all.

Either way, go get yourself a pap smear. Stat.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

One of my best friends just had a baby. We went to dinner with him, the baby’s mama and the new baby.  All was fine, until the baby got hungry and the mama fed the baby. Let me clarify, the mama was drinking and then breastfed the baby. The mama consumed three pints of beer over the course of about three hours and fed the baby three times while I was there. Now, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a doctor, so I didn’t say anything. But, later I brought this up to some friends and they said I should have said/done something.

To make matters worse, the mama posts a lot on Facebook, including things like outrageously long sleeping times for the baby and how she wishes she could drink more to deal with life, but says that breastfeeding limits her alcohol intake. I feel at a loss. I feel like she’s doing things she shouldn’t do and may be hurting her baby in the process. My best friend didn’t say a word the entire night, and actually tends to encourage her drinking.

This situation is really difficult to watch, especially since my husband and I have been trying for years to get pregnant and are having issues. We aren’t even sure if having a child is going to happen for us.

Do I say something? Do I call Child Services? Do I let it go for fear of being that irrational woman who jeopardizes a 20+ year friendship? Help!

Signed,

Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?

———————————————————–

Dear Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?,

First, I am mother, but I am not a medical professional, although, frankly, I really should be. Especially, given the amount of self-help books I’ve read and the number of hypochondriac websites I visit on a weekly basis. But I do believe that you have a right to be alarmed.  I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is a tough situation. Having three drinks in three hours and breastfeeding a baby three times adds up to definite inappropriate behavior. Normally, I try to reserve my judgement of other mothers to the celeb moms I see in Us Weekly, but this case sounds like a very unhealthy state of affairs. Not only was that a possibly damaging amount of alcohol for a child to consume, it’s also dangerous when you consider the responsiveness needed to care for a newborn baby.

It could be that the baby’s mama is overwhelmed and/or depressed, and instead of knowing how to deal with it or whom to turn to, she’s using alcohol to soothe these feelings. Unfortunately, she now has another life depending on her so drinking beer non-stop is not the correct way to fix the situation. It also seems that your friend might be in denial. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not making excuses for them. I’m simply stating what could be going on.

That being said, you need to have a very serious conversation with your friend. I realize that you may be putting a 20+ year relationship in jeopardy, however, there is a newborn involved who can’t speak up for him/herself. It’s possible that your friend may be upset or angry with you for bringing up the mama’s alcohol consumption, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t even see it. And, it’s also very likely that the mother may need help.

I would try and discuss the situation in terms of your concern for how the mother and baby are doing. Try and leave out the Facebook updates, if possible, since it’s hard to know what she’s really doing and also if the baby’s sleep cycle is related in any way to her possible alcohol consumption.

Keep the discussion concrete. Talk about what you witnessed. You could also try and get your friend to open up about how he feels, how their relationship is faring, and what may be really going on. Make sure your friend understands that this is coming from a place of love and you simply want to help.

Some people may not agree with me, but I would suggest you hold off contacting Child Services unless you witness any other occasions where this woman is drinking heavily and putting her child in real danger. I know this is a difficult situation for you on many levels, but it seems that you are willing to do what is right for your friend and his child.

This is such a complicated subject that I would also like to encourage our readers to weigh in. It’s possible that one of them has had a similar situation and maybe they can tell you what did or didn’t work.

Good Luck,

Tonya TMH

Some of the costumes we came across simply made us realize that costume makers must drink…a lot. And not in a “few glasses of wine each night with dinner” kind of way, more in a “doing beer bongs, dancing on tables and waking up in your mailman’s front yard with nothing on but his mailbag and a pile of letters for a pillow” kind of way (What? It happens!). Take a look:

But then we found these costumes, which made us feel torn: should we call Child Services or vomit on our Slankets? We decided to do both. Because we know that for twenty-something, on-the-prowl co-eds and women with the last name “Kardashian,” Halloween is a time for dressing as your favorite porn actress. But when exactly did that become acceptable (not that it is even for those of age) for children—especially young girls—to dress up this way?

Halloween is a time for imagination and creativity to run wild. A time when our children are able to be anything or anyone they wish to be. This world of possibilities, however, should NEVER EVER include eroticizing an innocent child. By doing so, we rob them of their childhood and, in most cases, their sense of self worth. Sexualizing a child, a tween, or even a teenager is disgusting and inexcusable.

Happy Halloween? It will be if nobody wears those stupid costumes.

I recently moved in with my boyfriend and his cat is an asshole. He wakes me up in the middle of the night, attacks my feet and looks at me funny.

How long do cats generally live? My boyfriend is very attached to the cat, so please don’t suggest getting rid of him.

Signed,

Cat Hater

___________________________

Dear Cat Hater,

One of the things we pride ourselves on the most at The Mouthy Housewives is our ability to put aside our personal biases and answer each question with an open mind. Therefore, let me just close my Cat Fancy magazine and lovingly tuck Dickens, my little calico cat who gives me reason to get up each morning, into her silk lined kitty basket before I give you a fair and balanced response. (ahem)

YOU’RE A BIG, MEAN CAT HATER AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD DUMP YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE REAL LOVE!

OK, maybe that response tilted a little more to one side than the other. Can I try it again?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CAT, GOOD LUCK WITH HIS MOTHER,  DUMMY!

Nope—still a little unbalanced, I think. One more time:

HOW DO YOU THINK THE CAT LIKES YOU MOVING INTO HER HOUSE? HUH? EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU STOLE HER PERSON, YOU MISERABLE THIEF!

And……nailed it. Fair AND balanced! Booyah!

Here’s the thing: the cat was there before you, your boyfriend loves the cat. Therefore, you need to learn to live with it. For starters, see if it’s possible to keep the cat out of the bedroom while you sleep. That should cut down on the waking you up part. Wear socks or shoes if she’s attacking your feet. It sounds like she’s got a lot of kitten in her, so that’ll probably subside soon.

And as far as thinking that the cat is “looking at you funny,” well, that’s just weird. Even weirder than The Friskies Fairy leaving cat food around your house. So unless you can get the cat to agree to wear little cat sunglasses, you’re just going to have to ignore it. The cat really isn’t out to get you. It’s more interested in the mice under your bed.

You love your boyfriend. Your boyfriend loves his cat. Keep an open mind and you just might grow to love the cat, too and live meowfully ever after. (Sorry.)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

P.S. Miss Dickens just had her 19th birthday. You might be in this for the long haul, my friend.

The fact that young girls love the the movie Pretty Woman is a bit disturbing in and of itself – hello, Julia is a hooker! Now, we aren’t saying prostitutes don’t deserve love, happiness and fabulous jewelry, but should little girls dream of walking the streets in order to snag a Prince Charming? Is this realistic? Or, more to the point, is it appropriate? Apparently pageant mom, Wendy Dickey (no relation to TMH Wendi…that we know of…), thinks that it is. She recently dressed her toddler in a pint-sized version of Julia’s hooker costume from the movie! She went on to support this decision by stating that she also dressed her as the “classy” version of Julia (you know, after Richard Gere has saved her and cleaned her up) later in the show.  Well, that makes everything better. Oh, wait. No. The character is still from a movie about a HOOKER! (An aside: Julia Roberts was only paid $300,000 for her part in the film. Poor actress. What ever happened to her?)

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Wendy (not Wendi) went on to defend her choice by insisting that her daughter had no idea what the costume signified. Well, all we can say is that it’s a good thing there’s no photographic or video evidence that may pop up later in the child’s life. Whew. That was a close one.

As if purposefully making up your toddler like a prostitute isn’t dig-your-eyeballs-out-with-an-ice-cream-scoop ridiculous enough, another woman, Lindsay Jackson, dressed her daughter up as an anatomically correct Dolly Parton! We’ll just let that set in for a second. Yes, to play the country singing icon the four-year-old was given C-cup padded breasts and an ample derriere (We believe Beyonce would call it Bootylicious? Scratch that, we’re pretty sure Beyonce would say: “Oh hell NO, The House of Dereon does NOT do that!”). Now, we love Dolly as much as the next person but we’re pretty sure that even the Dollywood owner, who once said “I modeled my looks on the town tramp,” would agree that this was not good judgment.

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Sadly, the tale of so-disturbing-we-must-chug-an-entire-box-of-Fraznia-and-do-you-know-how-much-this-wreaks-havoc-on-our-GERD? toddler clothing is not finished. There is a French company, Jours Après Lunes, that has just come out with a line of lingerie for young girls. Not teenagers. Little children! Even their ad campaign has the little girls all vamped up, prancing around in lace “bras” and panties with bed head and jewelry! When did it become acceptable for little girls to be paraded around like sex objects? Even the poses in the ads are extremely suggestive. Frankly, if the police should confiscate our computer here at TMH (We don’t know why they would. We have most certainly NOT been been playing Canasta with Tobey Maguire, Ben Affleck, and Leonardo DiCaprio) we’d have some serious ‘splainin’ to do once they found these images in our history. Perhaps the French have been watching too much Toddler & Tiaras?

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What do you think? Are we getting our Spanx’ed derrieres in a twist over nothing?

I am 22-years-old and currently living and working in Holland with my Dutch boyfriend. In September, I am moving to Scotland to go to university. My boyfriend has been desperately trying to get a job in Edinburgh so we can live together, but hasn’t had any luck. This means I’m now facing the prospect of living alone.

My parents are paying the rent so that they can come up and stay in the spare room on the weekends (meaning, no option of a roommate). My problem is that I am so, so scared! I hate being by myself when I’m at home and the prospect of living alone makes me hyperventilate. How will I be able to get up in the dark in the middle of the night?! I am considering buying a nightlight and a TV for every room in the house to stop me being afraid. Please help.

Signed,

Scaredy Cat

__________________________

Dear Scaredy Cat,

After reading your question as a 40-something mother who hasn’t had even a single moment to herself all freaking summer, I have one question for you: Wanna trade? Because you sound like someone who’d actually enjoy having people stand outside the bathroom door yelling your name while you pee, so maybe we could—crap. Excuse me just a sec, will you?

I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! MOMMY’S TRYING TO WRITE! YES, I AM! YES, I AM! WHAT’S THAT? NO, YOU CAN’T COME IN HERE! BECAUSE I SAID SO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU’RE BLEEDING? WHERE? IS IT AN ARTERY? THEN JUST RUB SOME DIRT ON IT AND BE QUIET! I SAID DIRT, NOT PUDDING! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS, OK? OK?! OMG, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE, GOD?

Sorry about that. Let’s go back to your problem of living all alone in a beautiful, clean Scottish apartment, shall we? It sounds so SCARY.

But all kidding aside, it’s perfectly normal to be a bit nervous about living alone for the first time. However, you’re living in Edinburgh, which my (Wikipedia) research tells me is a fairly safe city. Seriously, per the crime statistics, the most common offense is “Dishonesty.” You’re not exactly living in Hell’s Kitchen here, baby. Your biggest risk is getting hurt by a fib.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still use common sense, so always keep your doors and windows locked and never, ever open the door for anyone you don’t know. Maybe even have your dad install a motion detection light on your porch, too. Open eyes and ears are key.

Other thoughts are a self defense class, a dog who likes to bark and/or a baseball bat and some pepper spray near your side of the bed. (But beware of pepper spray in your nightstand. Let’s just say it’s easy to grab it at the wrong moment.) Also, get to know your neighbors and trust that you’ll all look out for each other.

But most of all, try to relax. Paranoia can be your best friend, but it can also drive you crazy so don’t let it. Living alone is a great, freeing experience and one you should try to enjoy while you still can.

I SAID I’M ALMOST DONE IN HERE! YES, I DID! WHAT? YOU DID WHAT TO THE CAT? RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH