We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:

___________________________

Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.

Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.

Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.

Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!

Never travel without own soft-white light source.

Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.

Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.

Start lying about age.  80 never looked so good!

Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.

Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!

Conspire with  BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.

Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.

Get Botocks.  It’s totally not Botox.

Two words: Invisible. Tape.

Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!

Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.

Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!

So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!

My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything. My BF and I have been dating for six years and plan on getting married, but she refuses to acknowledge his existence. He is not even “allowed” over at holidays. It makes me feel like I am 15…I’m 25!

She has even gone so far as making things up out of thin air, telling people he abuses me, and then I receive emails from “concerned” friends of hers. Or she will drive by my house intentionally just to call me and ask why he is there!

I am sick and tired of her antics especially because my irresponsible jerk of a brother’s girlfriend walks on water to her. How the hell do I tell her to back off and come back to the real world without causing a war!?

Signed,

I Have a Crazy Mama

______________________

Dear I Have a Crazy Mama,

I admit that when I read your first sentence — “My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything” — I was really hoping this question would involve spaceships, Narnia and a few thousand horny gnomes, but you know what? It’s perfectly fine that it doesn’t. Let’s just go ahead and talk about your mother’s alternate reality. The one that involves her major dislike of your boyfriend. The boyfriend who isn’t a horny gnome who carries a laser gun in his loincloth and drinks unicorn blood from a box. Sigh.

I knew I should have taken that job at TheMouthyDungeonsandDragonsHousewives.com.

But my personal problems aside, there must be something wrong with your boyfriend. Otherwise, why would your mom despise him so? Is he a thief? A con artist? A drinker? A drugger? A performer on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour named Skeeter Juice who tells jokes about raccoon boobies? Seriously, do you have any idea why she might not like him? Because if you don’t, it might be a good idea to sit her down and ask. Perhaps he slighted her years ago and a simple apology is all it’ll take to clear things up.

However, if she actually is completely batshit crazy and has no real reason for disliking him and spreading false rumors, then it’s time for a Come to Jesus talk. Let her know that he’s the most important person in your life and you plan on marrying him whether she approves of it or not. And if she wants you in her life, she’s just going to have to suck it up and deal. I know you don’t want to start a war, but you might have to start a little skirmish just to clear the air. Because right now nothing’s changing in either direction.

Family drama is never fun and I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Hopefully you’ll all come to some kind of resolution and can all peacefully co-exist.

Just like the horny gnomes and unicorns do.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

I have a favorite deli. It’s near my office, has a great selection, good prices and I like to support the smaller establishments. But the people who work there call me and other women “dear.” Is this acceptable these days and is there anything I can do to put an end to it?

Signed,

It’s Jennifer, Not Dear.

________________________

Dear Jennifer,

Oh sweet Jennifer with your porcelain, smooth skin and bouncy, silky tresses. You must be in your twenties. Because take it from someone whose skin is a little less smooth, the word “dear” is not an insult. In fact, this 40-something lady would be overjoyed if someone referred to me as dear. And I wouldn’t mind honey, sweetie or even sugar pie lover.

Dear is just a term of endearment. It’s not a proclamation that they never supported the Equal Rights Amendment. It means they like you. I’m guessing they are a family business and they consider their customers family too.

Now I understand you’re upset. When I was in college, I started a mission to strike the word “girl” from the lips of every collegiate. I proudly proclaimed that, “WE ARE WOMEN. NOT GIRLS. HOW CAN WE EXPECT TO BE TREATED AS EQUALS IF WE CONSISTENTLY REFER TO OURSELVES AS GIRLS!!” Although I doubt that I succeeded in my mission – mostly because I seriously lost focus when I learned about “A Bucket of Beer for $1 Thursdays” at a local pub.

I applaud your desire for women to be treated equally to men. I really do. But I would put your energies to causes like equal pay for equal work.

If it still really bugs you that they call you dear, introduce yourself. Simply say, “I come here all the time. I’m Jennifer. What’s your name?” This will hopefully be a signal that you would like to be called by your real name.

Or make a joke, “Dear?! I thought everyone stopped calling women dear in the 1950s. I prefer Miss.” It you are giving them steady business, it’s always worth speaking up. It usually works. None of the baristas at my local Starbucks would dare to call me ma’am now.

Good luck dear. (I know. So juvenile. I couldn’t help it.)

Kelcey, TMH

I am currently almost 4 months pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I was taking an antidepressant. I immediately got off of it. My problem is that I am now suffering from severe depression and having panic attacks almost every day.

I went to see a new OB/GYN at the suggestion of a friend (my old OB wasn’t well versed in medications). This doctor believes that it would be better for me to be on the antidepressant than to suffer like this through the rest of my pregnancy. She has even suggested that I see a psychiatrist.

My problem is that I’m really conflicted and scared. I don’t want to hurt my baby. My family thinks that if I take anything it will detrimental to my child’s health. I really want to do what is right for my baby but I don’t think that my current mental and emotional state is helping either. What should I do?

Please help!

Anxious About Antidepressants

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Dear AAA,

People are really great because just as we all bleed red (except Tom Cruise, I think his insides are made of green slime) we also all have opinions. And we love to share them!

I’m not sure if any of your family members are medical professionals so I can’t speak to their qualifications but even so, it’s possible that their closeness to the situation is interfering with their judgment. And family pressure can be especially difficult to handle.

It’s best to begin to draw your boundaries now because this is just the tip of the iceberg. Wait until you have chosen a name for the child, at least 75% of your family will know a dog, drug addict, or vagabond with that name. And when you want to sleep train or not sleep train your child you will get no fewer than 20 suggestions as to what you should really do, these may or may not include the following:

-give the baby a drop of whiskey

-wear ear plugs

-sleep with your child until they are 12

-bundle the baby in no less than 5 layers, including hat and mittens

-walk around the crib 2 times clockwise

-call Tom Cruise and ask his advice

The good news is, it sounds like your new OB/GYN is being extremely careful. The fact that she even wants you to go and see a psychiatrist for a another opinion regarding your mental health tells me that she is really looking out for both your welfare and that of your unborn child.

I have to note here, however, that I am biased. I struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy and was prescribed an antidepressant by my doctor, who specializes in pregnancy and women’s mental health. She doesn’t recommend a lot of medication and she was extremely cautious about what I took, making sure I was at the lowest dosage necessary. My son was born happy, healthy and a week late. I’m only telling you this so that you know you are NOT alone, I am not trying to persuade you one way or the other.

Everything we put in our bodies comes with a certain amount of risk and this goes triple for medication. The important thing to focus on here is the question of whether the benefits outweigh that risk. This decision should be made between you, your partner, and your doctor and no one else.  I could go into numerous studies done on women with depression who didn’t take anything while pregnant and studies done on those who did, but I believe that this is the domain for your OB/GYN and your psychiatrist. They will help you to choose the right route for you and your baby.

The best of luck!

Tonya, TMH

It seems that whenever I go out with my girlfriends, they spend so much time looking at their smart phones that I wonder even why they bother going out. I’ve mentioned that I find it rude but they sort of keep sneaking peeks, claiming that the babysitter may be trying to reach them.

Any ideas?

Signed,

Luddite
___________________________________

Dear Luddite (Does that rhyme with Crudite?),

Yeah, I hear you. I hear you because I also have friends and family members who tell me that I’m on my (Very) Smart (and Beautiful) phone all the time. But I can’t help it! What if I’m spending time with my friends like an idiot and miss an email about Target’s latest promotion or a text from one of my kids letting me know that the other one is a HUGE STUPID DUMMY! Or a tweet! OMG. What if someone tweets and I’m not there to see it? Will that tweet even exist?

If this existential exploration isn’t exactly what you had in mind, I have some other ideas.  (And I’m going to assume, based on your question, that you already had the mature “It bothers me when you constantly check your phone while we’re out together because it makes me feel like you’re not fully present and are also probably plotting to kill me” and “the babysitter may be trying to reach me” is the grandchild of “the dog ate my homework” discussion. )

1. Play a fun game! I heard of a new trend of everyone putting their phones into the center of the table and the first person to reach for hers pays for everyone’s dinner. Surf and Turf with truffles, here you come!

2. Every time someone checks her phone, say “OMG, is everything alright? What was THAT all about? No, I don’t believe that it was nothing. Let me see! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!”

3. Instead of meeting at local restaurant next time, try a nearby cave (call ahead to make sure there’s no WiFi). Spelunking is the latest craze! Probably.

Hopefully, you and your friends will find a happy medium (try Patricia Arquette!) and your friendship can survive this difference of opinion on etiquette.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

Name: Marinka

Hometown: NYC

Age: 44, but looks younger. Especially in childhood photos.

And now here are some Q & As that will answer all the questions you never had about her!

If you were stranded on an island what celebrity would you choose to be stranded with and why?

Johnny Depp. He speaks Pirate.

Which would you rather:
-Strawberry Hill or Zima?

I don’t do drugs.

-sleep with Karl Rove or give a full body massage to Gary Busey?

A little late with that question. (Call me!)

If you were a stripper, what would be your signature song?

If? Fine. I Will Survive. It’s a klassik.

What’s your blood type?

AB-. What’s yours? I always like to surround myself with potential donors.

Who is your favorite comedian?

Robin Williams.

Why is the sky blue?

Because grass called green.

Square or rounded?

Square. OMG, does someone choose rounded?

What should they name the first Royal Child?

Prince.

Most embarrassing memory?

Yeah, right. Do I look like I was born yesterday?

What are you currently reading?

These questions. Is this a trick one?

Why do fools fall in love?

So that we can have reality TV.

If you were on a desert island, what three items (or people) would you bring?

A ship, a captain, and probably Tenille.

That’s all there is to know about Marinka! Nothing else! Certainly no criminal record or anything, so stop asking! We’ll be back soon with another Up Close and Personal Q&A! Will it be Kelcey? Tonya? Kristine? Perhaps Wendi will get some more questions to answer! Try to enjoy the weekend amid all the suspense!

I’ve recently gone back to work so we had to get a nanny for our 4 month old. A friend of ours loves her nanny and our babies are about the same age so we have decided to do a nanny share where the woman watches both babies. I thought that this was working out really well until recently when I learned that the nanny doesn’t hold my baby very much.

My friend’s daughter is much louder and needier than my son so it seems like he is getting the short end of the stick.  When they go out, the nanny has my friend’s baby in the Bjorn while my son is stuck in the stroller. And when it’s feeding time she has the girl in her arms with a bottle while my son is, once again, stuck in the swing or bouncer!

I’m really worried that my child isn’t getting enough physical contact! Am I being overly paranoid and high maintenance? The nanny is really great in every other way!

Signed,

Dear Hold My Baby Dammit,

I don’t think you are being paranoid or overly high maintenance.

If you were, your worries would include:

-Is the nanny watching me while I sleep?

-Can she hear my thoughts when I’m not wearing my foil hat?

-Why won’t she use military corners when making my son’s bed?

-Is the nanny planning on stealing my child and selling him to Angelina Jolie?

-Why won’t the nanny feed my son his rice cereal from our best china?

-Doesn’t the nanny know my son only likes Beethoven Symphony performed by the New York Philharmonic, NOT the Old El Paso Orchestra!

It seems to me that your concern is warranted. The sense of touch is the primary way a mother or caregiver communicates with her baby. And given that the skin is the largest sense organ, this makes it extremely important. Studies have shown that touch helps in both the growth of the body and the brain, and can even aid in digestion. Physical contact, such as holding, hugging, and massaging, creates a sense of security and attachment that helps babies to blossom.

That being said, attachment studies have also shown that it’s more about quality contact than quantity. So your real concern should be if the nanny is able to give your son the quality interaction he deserves.  Does she respond to him immediately when he needs it? Does she talk to him? Does she hold him other times of the day? Certainly, if he were in daycare this would be the case. And there are thousands/millions of children who thrive in that environment.

It’s time to have a serious heart-to-heart with your nanny.  Because, not only is she in charge of your most precious bundle of joy, but she is also being paid to be a nanny – not a daycare. And taking this one step further, you really have to listen to your gut. You are your son’s mother. You know him best. If this situation doesn’t make you feel comfortable, then change it. There’s no need to throw around labels like “high maintenance” when it comes to your child. You want what is best for him. Even if that means getting a nanny just for him.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

Here are a few interesting articles on the subject:

Brain Development in Childhood

How Important is Physical Contact With Your Infant?

Stimulation and Development During Infancy: Tuning in to Your Baby’s Cues

And this book is an amazing resource*:

What’s Going on in There? How The Brain and Mind Develop in The First Five Years of Life by Lisa Eliot, PhD

I read this while I was pregnant and have gone back to it throughout my son’s 4 (sometimes seemingly LONG) years.

*This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?

Signed,

Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle

_________________________

Dear Not Single,

One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!

Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:

1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)

2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!

3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.

But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.

Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

My cousin is pregnant with a little boy, and while I’m extremely happy for her, I can’t stand the name she picked out for him. And obviously I can’t tell her how much I don’t like the name so I need a really great nickname for the name Colton.

Any ideas?

Signed,

You’re Naming Your Kid What?!

__________________

Dear You’re Naming Your Kid What?!,

Well, don’t go blaming yourself for this. I have personally introduced a constitutional amendment requiring all people to keep their baby names a secret until AFTER the child is born.

It’s just terribly awkward to know a baby’s name beforehand. First of all, it’s hard to get jazzed about the birth of a baby when you already know every detail months in advance.  I’m having a baby. It’s a girl. Her name is Elizabeth Sarah. The c-section date is on April 25th. She’s a Taurus and her hobbies will be horseback riding and rowing. TMI people.

Second of all, it’s a lot easier to hate a name before the baby is born. Once you are cooing over the little tyke, it’s possible to forget that his name is Vanilli or Pilot Inspektor. Not completely. But those cute cheeks and baby soft skin make it a bit more palatable.

Now we have gotten this baby name problem before. And I was really bracing myself for you to share some kind of horrific name. But Colton? Oh my gosh, I love that name! Like if Tim Riggins of Friday Night Lights wasn’t named Tim Riggins – he would be named Colton. Colton is like a hot cowboy. Or a handsome movie star. Or maybe a cheesy soap character. But let’s focus on cowboy and movie star. I really think it’s a pretty cool name.

Does that help? Oh man, you still don’t like it. Alright, how about if you just call him “Cole?” Or maybe “Ton” but that could be politically incorrect with the whole eradicate childhood obesity campaign going on right now.  You could just call him “the baby” but of course, that will get strange once he starts high school.

I think the best bet is to wait and meet the little guy. You might be so enamored with him, you won’t care what he goes by.  That’s probably why they make those babies so ridiculously cute.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

I work at a hotel (in the U.S.) which has brought employees in from a poor European country for the season. The girls are working as housekeepers, earning minimum wage, which is $2 less than what any of the other housekeepers START at. They had to pay for their own flights here, work visas, and they pay all their U.S. taxes. They work 6 days a week, so they are getting overtime, but I still feel like they are totally being taken advantage of. It makes me angry.

My employer doesn’t seem to be doing anything illegal, just something that I think is ICKY. When these girls go back to their homes, they will have enough money saved that they can live off it for 6 months (going to University) without working, so that’s good for them. I just hate so much that my employer is taking advantage of them. Do you have any advice on what I can do for them, aside from adopting them through an adopt-a-teenager program where I send them $20 a month when they get home and in return they send me postcards? I know this is a weird question. It just makes me feel bad.

Signed,

My Boss is a Jerk

____________________________________________

My Boss is a Jerk,

I don’t think this is a weird question at all. I mean, please. We live in a world where Newt Gingrich is making a legitimate run at the Presidency on the platform of open-marriage. It takes a little more to rattle the Housewives.

It’s honorable that you’re feeling badly for these disadvantaged workers, but as you suggested, it’s not exactly illegal for your boss to be an asshole to your co-workers. What’s more, if you were to do something to get the bossman in trouble, the girls would suffer as well. I think that’s what they call a Catch-22, but I’ve never been good with postmodern literature.

But, if you do it right, maybe you can boost them into the media spotlight which will basically both humiliate your boss AND get the girls some paparazzi-type celebrity status. Here’s what I suggest:

1. New York had this really obnoxious guy with a mustache who worked for the local news, and he always annoyed the crap out of the bad guys until they finally caved to get him off their back. Most of the time they were probably innocent, but that’s besides the point. Get in touch with your local media and ask for the homeliest reporter with the biggest microphone to help you out.

2. Ashton Kutcher. He still does that Punk’d show for MTV, right? (He doesn’t? Well, just tell him pretty young girls are involved and I’m sure he’ll be there in a heartbeat.) Sure, the national media attention may cause the entire hotel to fail financially, costing you your job in the process, but it’ll be a great story!

3. Aren’t hotels usually haunted? Because I feel like, if you get the girls involved, you could all chip in for some fake blood and gray face paint and really pull an epic prank on Mr. Bossman. Kind of like the ghosts of Christmas past, except they’re the ghosts of…like, hotels or something. (Okay, so maybe this one isn’t super smooth, but I’m not a damn script writer so cut me some slack already.)

Or, if you want to take the issue more seriously (bo-ring!), you could do something more responsible. Perhaps you could contact local lawyers or worker’s unions to see if there’s any legal action that can be taken. Beyond that and slashing your boss’ tires, maybe you want to just have a good heart-to-heart with the girls and then submit your resignation. That’s what Jerry McGuire would do.

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH