Divorce Sucks but Friends Can Help
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I thought my 40′s were supposed to be the new 20! Full of fun, me-time (finally), all benefiting from the wisdom of my years. Now as I look around, every 3rd person has cancer or out-of-control kids or decimated finances. And now a close friend is on the brink of divorce.
The husband (the stupidsonofa – you can fill in the rest) was unfaithful. I don’t know what to do or say to the wife other than the usual – I’ll be here for you – empty talk. What are some good, practical steps I can take to show her I care and am here for her every step of this crappy turn her life has now taken? She has 2 kids and doesn’t want them to think badly of their father, if you can imagine. Can you help?
Signed,
Heartsick for Heartbroken Friend
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Dear Heartsick,
Well, I know this guy from Jersey who, for the right price and cash only, will show that cad the error of his ways. Alright, he’s really from Southern Connecticut but he pretends to be from Jersey because it sounds much more bad ass. Plus, you know how Jersey is all the rage these days. If sending a Connecticut mobster after this cheater isn’t how you roll, then there are lots of other ways to show her you care.
Right now, your friend feels like crap. Someone once told me that getting divorced is like getting into a car accident every day for two years. Most of us are not Julia Roberts’ character in “Eat, Pray, Love” eating carbs in Italy until we feel full and happy again. So, your friend needs you.
Keep her busy. It’s harder to be depressed when we’re too busy to be depressed. So go to the movies, out for dinner, play miniature golf, peruse the thrift shops, go the gym, play strip poker with the local lifeguards, join the town’s cougar club, whatever. But just don’t let her sulk alone at home. If she won’t leave the house, then pop by with some DVDs and popcorn. Recruit other friends to do the same.
Plan something that she can look forward to. Often when we get married and have kids, we forget about some of our passions. Ask her what she used to love to do and make a plan to do it together. If her passion is hang gliding, maybe suggest something a bit less death defying like tennis or bingo.
Make her laugh. Laughter goes a long way towards self healing. If you’re not a stand-up comedian, I recommend “The Today Show” – specifically host Kathie Lee. Kathie is undeniably drunk, crazy and hilarious. I defy anyone to watch this woman and not LOL.
Finally, don’t abandon her (your friend, not Kathie Lee). So often one’s spouse gets kicked to the curb in a divorce as all the couple’s friends pick their side. Make sure she knows that you will remain faithful to her.
I commend her for not dragging her kids into the mess of divorce. She’s clearly a very good person and you’re a wonderful friend to help her through this.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
4 Responses to “Divorce Sucks but Friends Can Help”
Comment by Lessons in Life and Light.
I can relate in a way. I just turned 30 and thought this was the new 20 too. All my friends are having babies, doing great in their careers and I thought surely, things would pick up for me too.
Then last week, I found out I’m going to miscarry my first baby. Everyone around me is getting pregnant, starting families, and I am back at square one with -1 child. I feel so…helpless. Right now, I just want to know people are there and thinking good thoughts for me and my husband. That helps the most. I just want the support.
Maybe for her, you can just ASK her what you can do. She might surprise you and just let you know.
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Comment by dusty earth mother.
I know you want to do more than “be there for her”, but don’t underestimate that. Seriously, just letting her know continually that she has someone that genuinely cares about her will do so much.
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Comment by Crisanna.
I couldn’t agree more. During my recent divorce, I failed to anticipate the significant role my friends would play in keeping me sane. Well, the friends and also the lexapro. 
“Being there” is definitely what she needs from you, whether she realizes it now or not. It was the unconditional selflessness (and patience!) of friends letting me cry-rant-vent-question my faith, bringing over movies, offering advice only when specifically asked, and getting my depressed self outta the house that meant immeasurably more than the pitying glances or pithy phrases like “It’ll all work out” and “You’ll be so much stronger” or “Time heals all!”
Their unwavering support and love showed me that despite the lack of value my ex found in me/our marriage, I was free to take the higher road, to walk with dignity, to respond to my ex with integrity, and to fully pursue the path to genuine healing.
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Comment by bdirect.
hi there,
does your friend work? most of us 40+ and kids in tow have given up providing for ourself in the interest of making home. And then the home falls apart! feeling financially independent and having knowing that you can take care of yourself is a great high..
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