I asked her, “Why?”
“Why do you think that I would be happy to get rid of you?”
Her reply, “Because you don’t like me.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s the way mothers and daughters are. Contentious.”
etc.

So I told her EXACTLY WHY I can’t stand her. And exactly what she needed to do, if she wanted to have a relationship with us:
1) Get into weekly psychotherapy.
2) Gain insight into her past relationship with me, and what she wants now.
3) Apologize.

And in the past two months, she has done nothing. Maybe mail my son an Easter card, and mail me the usual unsolicited diaper coupons and newspaper clippings from “back home.” Never a note, though. Never a call. I skyped with her once or twice. The most recent online chat, about a week ago, resulted in my confrontation: What have you done about making progress on our relationship.

No answer.

So. I am done. It’s still going to be delicate, maintaining a neutral relationship with my sweet 90-year-old granny and nice auntie, but I am done with my mother. I suppose I should pen her a letter, but for now, I am just happy feeling done with all that.

My son still looks over my shoulder on the computer, and asks, “Grandma?” sometimes. But I just say that Grandma isn’t home right now, and leave it at that. He just turned two. Maybe he’ll just forget about her. Maybe we’ll be lucky, and I will, too.

As many of you said, counseling is a good idea. I agree. I had a few years of it way-back-when, to dig my way out of much of the anger, guilt, and shame that buried and defined me for years. I remember my therapist telling me that having children was going to bring a lot of things back up. She was right. In any case, I don’t have any dental or mental right now, so I guess she can eat the whole damn box of Ding Dongs herself.

And I’m going to keep working on this, I really am. My son deserves it. So do I.

Thank you, virtual friends. Cheers to you!

One other option is to tell Mom that if she wants to come visit, she stays in a hotel. That way her visits can be controlled, even when she is in town. It will also help keep the length of the visit down.

LET IT GO! You don’t need to feel guilty! My Dad and his wife and kids were a big part of my son’s life till he was 4. Shortly after his 4th birthday, the while relationship went up in the flames of legal battles, evictions, and restrainign orders. I worried about what kind of effect it would have on him. It’s two years later and he doesn’t even remember them. I promise, do what’s right for yourself and your family and everything will be ok.

This is a really long reply. I just know too much to not say what’s on my mind!

Congratulations on breaking the cycle. Keep it up!

I say this is a great lesson for the child. When he is older Mom can explain why she chose to exclude her Mother from her and her child’s life.

Because she had the SELF RESPECT to do so. No one deserves to treat us badly. No one.

You and your child deserve far better.

In response to the 2nd paragraph, no, you don’t have to let him beleive a lie. But, if she lives long enough for him to have good memories of her, he deserves the chance of them. The longer he is around her, the less likely he’ll beleive she’s a saint. Which brings us to the 3rd para. He doesn’t have to see Mom as a doormat for putting up with it. He can see it as mom made a choice. It all depends on what Mom teaches him to see in the situation. She’s not a bystander in this. She has every opportunity both to leverage gramma’s desire to be around her grandson. She needs to figure out what she intended by letting her mom ever come visit. If it was because she thought mom would magically improve: that was a fail. If it was because she wanted her son to know everyone that loved him, that worked. Now she has to use that to teach him.