Does This Bleach Make My Butt Look Pink?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We had a huge 4th of July celebration – tons of family and friends, all at my house, which brings me to Monday morning. I was very tired, lying in bed and, please forgive me, I got caught up in the mindless Kardashians and their stupid show. It was on all day! My question is, what is anal bleaching and WHY? It seems all the girls are doing it?? We were afraid to look it up on our computer in fear of what other links would show their ugly heads. Can you help? What is it and WHY? WHY? WHY?
Signed,
Curious and Confused
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Dear Curious and Confused,
I’m not sure of the answer myself, so I conducted a bit of field research in your honor. I took my 13-year-old cat into the laundry room and splashed bleach on her kitty rear end. I’m going to speculate that spilled bleach and six-inch long scratches down your arm are not the typical results of anal bleaching. I’m also shocked at my cat’s reaction to anal bleaching since she is constantly sticking her butt in my face. I thought she was asking for help.
Next I consulted my husband who I consider knowledgeable in all things weird and disturbing. After all, he knows Jabba the Hutt’s sexual preferences. With no thought to who may be in his office, I instant messaged to him “Anal bleaching!” to which he replied, “I can’t talk politics right now.” Wha?
I don’t know about you, but I’m only more confused. So I did the only thing left to do. At the risk of losing Google’s good opinion, I searched “anal bleaching.” Wikipedia was first up on results and gave this explanation:
Anal bleaching is used to lighten the color of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes, making it more uniform with the surrounding area.
Thank you, Wikipedia, I’ll never look at a bottle of Clorox the same again.
Now, as to why girls do it, I assume women like the Kardashians never learned of Charles Darwin and still use the mating practices of monkeys where they show off their pinkish-red butt to attract a mate. How positively primordial. Most other women use more evolved techniques, such as braces, breast augmentation, and tanning beds, which is a step up from monkey butt. But for those of us at the highest level of evolution, we use wit, intelligence and expensive hair products to broadcast our desirability.
Curious and Confused, I hope that answered your questions you. And also, I recommend Kérastase* hair products.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
*TMHs were not compensated by Kérastase in anyway, which is unfortunate in this humidity. I could certainly use Oléo-Relax before some primordial hussy asks my husband to scratch and sniff her pink butt.
17 Responses to “Does This Bleach Make My Butt Look Pink?”
Comment by Mummydiaries.
oh for god sake..vajazzling, brazillians, lightening bolts shaved into pubes and anal bleaching..can we torture our poor cha chas anymore??
Personally I think the Kardashian girls should keep their choccie starfish’s, with butts that big, you need a bullseye in the bedroom.
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Comment by Sophie, Inzaburbs.
I always wondered how the Kashcardigans got famous.
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Comment by dusty earth mother.
So disgusted I can’t even comment. Can someone please tell me why anyone would want to do this? On second thought, don’t tell me. I really really don’t want to know.
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Heather Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
I think it’s a requirement if you are dating and/or married to a celebrity. It’s a good thing I broke up with Daniel Craig.
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Comment by Lessons in Life and Light.
It’s actually a common practice among porn-stars. For OBVIOUS reasons.
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Comment by writingmama04.
The celebs these days have to keep one-upping themselves to keep their ‘reality’ shows fresh and appealing to the growing audience of desensitized YouTube viewers. Our culture has indeed hit a new low.
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Comment by janine.
I am rarely struck speechless. But yeah…that did it.
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Janine Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 3:29 am
and then, in a completely unrelated incident, someone directed me here: http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com/
Now I ask you, why so much attention to a part of your body you can’t even see without stirrups and a hand mirror? WTF, people? W.T.F.?
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Comment by LadySteele.
Crap. Half the time I don’t even get bleach in the white laundry. And now I’m supposed to be bleaching out my netherlands???
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Comment by CoftheU.
I posed the “why on earth” question to my bff a year or so ago and she said, “Because you don’t want a big, black eye staring at you.” As if that makes perfect sense. I am never staring at or staring with that eye so have no frame of reference, but am guessing that would that be the stink eye.
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Comment by Betty Herbert.
I have three questions:
(a) how on earth am I supposed to work up a paranoia about a part of my body I can’t see? I have plenty of nasty bits I can see, and they’re already using up my paranoia quotient. I’m a busy modern woman.
(b) what idiot thought that applying bleach to a mucous membrane was a good idea?
(c) what is the point of a treatment that you can’t show your friends? It would be like the soundless tree falling in a forest. I speak as a woman who keeps a photo of her vajazzling ‘encounter’ on her person at all times.
Also, have you come across this terrifying development: labia dye? Yup, you heard me right. Although one variety is touchingly called ‘Bettie’ in my honour, clearly.
http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com/category/29754061681/1/Beauty-Product.htm
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Comment by itsme lina.
Okay ladies, Anal bleaching is really not for us to enjoy..have you ever seen your ass from your partners perspective??when he is ummm from behind and your on all 4s??
Its not very attractive if it was dark…I looked it up and you are right usually the porn stars are the ones that uses that stuff for obvious reasons,but have you thought how yours look like??
Well i did,and i worked up the courage to look and i think i convinced my self that i want to have a butt bleach… =)
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marathonmom Reply:
July 9th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
ROTFFLMAO!!!! They’d get some if it prolonged their 15 minutes!!!
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