Comments on: Respect My Authority!

By: Amber in Albuquerque

Amber in Albuquerque — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:07:42 +0000

I’m glad somebody said this.

By: mom, again

mom, again — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 05:50:11 +0000

actually, it sounds as if the mom may well be doing more of the parenting. Parenting as defined by communicating with the kid, interacting with him, sorting out things in the day to day. Sounds like the dad popped in for the high point of report card time, imposed rules nobody could live with, expected someone else to oversee them, and now is back at his usual distance and crabbing about how nobody does what he says.

It sounds like Dad’s grounding was just a bunch of hot air. Evidently, the kid needs remedial (or primary) education on HOW TO STUDY. Did dad include active parenting like tutoring (himself or paying somone)? Is there anything the kid is supposed to do on a daily or weekly basis that can be checked up on that would lead to earning priviledges back?

And yes, I’ve raised a teenager. The girl version of this kid. It was gratifying to hear, as many of her friends began graduating from college and she was still goofing off at community college: “All those years I thought I was sticking it to the man when I wouldn’t do my schoolwork? I was sticking it to myself.” Yes, dear, you were.

By: Yeh That Mom

Yeh That Mom — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 22:15:42 +0000

There are a lot of variables here.
1. Grounding indefinitly will not work. The child or in this case Young Adult NEEDS to see the end. Or your can just kiss all that you are working for goodbye.
2. The wife probably knows this and it is hard for her to follow-thru with a plan that she does not agree with. Discipline never works when the other parent who doesn’t agree with it is left to enforce it. I know this from experience!
3. By the time they are 17 you have pretty much “raised” them. They have the foundation. Now is the time to let them make their own decisions (that follow your house rules) and help them to see what the alternative could have been if they had made a better choice. There have to be consequences…but they need to be natural. And his grades are really HIS responsibility. If he fails…it is HIS future. Not the parents. So I wouldn’t even worry about grades.

The son is making career choices and most likely has goals since he enlisted. I would suggest you sit down and have a very candid conversation with your son and ask him what he wants to do with his life and how he plans on achieving his goals. Do not ridicule his choices. If something doesn’t mesh with you, offer alternatives, but don’t demand.
I have learned that if you repect them as a young adult, they will come to you for advice and try their best to live up to their own expectations and yours.

Good luck!!

By: miswiggie

miswiggie — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 14:45:55 +0000

Hmmm. Been grounded since the summer? Sounds like that punishment is silly for now, how many months has it been since summer? If he feels like he’s on eternal punishment, he’s not going to care if he does whatever he wants, he’s already being punished and how much worse can it get?

I’d sit down with my son first and find out WHY his grades are bad. Does he not care anymore? Is he depressed? Problems with the teacher? I had a math teacher who threw up problems on an overhead and then told us to work them out and do problems 5-80 while he read. I always failed that class.

At some point he’s lost respect for his parents and your authority. Your wife probably gives in because your son nags and bothers her til she gives in. Were you the parents who said “if you do that one more time then…” but one more time was really a hundred more times?

I’d also sit down with my wife and talk to her and work TOGETHER to figure out a better structure for your son and the discipline he receives. He knows you two are divided. And you know what they say about a house divided.

Good luck!

By: Karin

Karin — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 13:48:48 +0000

I have a problem with dad – he’s controlling and is asking his wife to enforce an overly strict punishment on their son (she’s not off the hook – she should be discussing this punishment with her husband rather than just going behind his back however he seems to be refusing to listen – my guess is she’s out the door when ds leaves). I found that open-ended time outs don’t work with my toddlers much less with a teen b/c it’s unfair – there’s no speck of light at the end of the tunnel to shoot for. If his son is failing, perhaps they should hire a tutor or talk with his teachers to find ways to help him or sit down at the table with him nightly while he does his homework doing something quietly (read a book, do a craft, check my email, whatever – this is what I do with my elementary school kids) and REWARD him for trying. I think a more appropriate course of action would be to allow him one social night a weekend but that he needs to spend 2 hours each day working on catch-up work – weekday or weekend. The son also needs an outlet – right now, his outlet is counting the days until he’s outta there. Perhaps if he were involved in an activity, he’d find the importance of hard work and have less time to ponder how mean his father is.

By: Surfie

Surfie — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 20:18:32 +0000

I have more problems with the wife in this situation than either the teen or the dad. Dad’s choice of punishment and control may not be all that well thought out since he’s continuing to use the same ineffective methods, but at least he’s trying to parent his son. I’m getting the feeling that there are some major problems between mom and dad here. Either that or she’s just a stupid twit and thinks giving her son everything he wants and undermining her husband equals good parenting. You should be a parent first, and a friend second, my dear.

All that being said, I have never raised any kids, so my opinion probably won’t mean much to actual parents. Meh.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 18:45:53 +0000

Aludra has a really good point. Military recruiters have a quota to make, and if they feel like they’re losing a recruit (and therefore, awards and bonuses), there’s a really good chance that he/she will get involved.

As for the wife, shoot, I would hate to be that guy. I know my husband doesn’t exactly agree with the strictness with which we raise our kids (I’m the mean one), but he at least backs me up. They need to get on the same page and potentially get some counseling!

By: Aludra

Aludra — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 18:06:37 +0000

I’m completely inexperienced at raising teenagers, but I’m recently graduated from the school of being a teenager.

I’d say forget the grounding. If going out at night is no longer an act of rebellion, he’ll have little incentive to continue on with it.

As for grades, he either cares or he doesn’t. Sounds like he doesn’t. If he signed on with an AF recruiter, call the recruiter and let him know that he’s about to loose his recruit due to failing grades. Your son will listen to the recruiter and not even realise it wasn’t the school who called the recruiter.

That should solve both problems and get him out on his own at 18 without you or your son having to bend your pride to each other.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 16:32:57 +0000

Obviously grounding him isn’t helping with his grades. Maybe “Dad” should help the kid out with his homework. Stop being a tyrant and start being a parent.