Foreplay or Snoreplay?
Dear TMH,
My husband thinks foreplay consists of suddenly shoving his hands down my underwear. I’ve had his IQ tested and he surprisingly doesn’t fall into the mentally impaired range, so I’m beginning to suspect this is a genetic defect that resides on the Y chromosome. Is there any way he’ll learn the fine balance between foreplay that’s either too short or so long that I fall asleep?
Signed,
Frigid Midge
_________
Dear Frigid Midge,
Ah, foreplay. As in “the opening act”, “the warm-up”, “the ‘Jesus, Harold, let’s get this show on the road so I can get back to Grey’s Anatomy before Izzy dies.’” Unfortunately, it’s a dilemma that’s come between lovers for centuries. In fact, according to reliable sources, even fair Juliet used to get angry with her swain Romeo for suddenly shoving his paws down her reinforced chastity belt and grunting, “Thoust ready for the big one, baby?” (Note: Reliable sources = Wikipedia.)
My first suggestion is to try what’s always worked for me: Put on some lingerie that doesn’t highlight your “problem” areas, light a few candles, get some Marvin Gaye goin’, then, when the stage is set and you’re primed for a night of animal lovin’, simply close your eyes and pretend that your husband is a youngish, slightly more talented Brad Pitt.
Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom. Fireworks.
Another thing you can try, however, is Dr. Laura Berman’s “Foreplay Map.” Just print it out, write your name on one sheet and your partner’s on the other and think about what gets you in the mood. On your sheet, label body parts in the order you like to be touched. On the other sheet, label areas in the order you like to touch your partner. Have your partner do the same and compare the results. Then, simply lock the door and spend a few hours seeing what you’ve learned.
So, good luck, Midge. Remember, when it comes to a night of love, it’s all about communication. And sometimes, three shots of whiskey when nobody’s looking.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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13 Responses to “Foreplay or Snoreplay?”
Comment by Red Dawn.
And all this time I thought foreplay was synonymous with “Brace yourself.”
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Comment by Pop and Ice.
I want to do the *maps* because it sounds like sexy homework. Who doesn’t like to do sexy homework?
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Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.
I taught my husband long ago that foreplay starts at breakfast. Kissing my neck for no reason, lightly brushing the inner part of my fore arm with his fingertips, pouring me a glass of wine during dinner, well… he doesn’t have to do a whole lot to get me excited by the time bedtime rolls around.
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Comment by Lisa.
My hubby sticks his hand in my shirt, down my bra and squeezes the ladies. Not for foreplay. Just when I come home from work for lunch. Like every day.
I don’t know if he is hinting, or just wants to squeeze them.
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Comment by Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?).
Flashing the Weiner seems to be the most popular way for men to think of ‘turning on a female’. That’s why they do it in the streets, movie theatres, on the subways and wherever there’s a female they want to Woo. Most females run away screaming to the police; but it still doesn’t stop men from trying. I’m sure 99% of them get slapped or arrested; but that 1% who get laid… set the high standards we all have to live with.
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Comment by Roshni.
oooh! The maps sound good! Maybe I’ll take a printout of my version now at work…
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Comment by Marinka.
Does that map come with Mapquest directions? Because that would be super handy!
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Comment by Erica.
I swear to GOD one night my husband looked at me and said “Roll over and let me poke you” I pray nightly for Frigid Midges problem…..
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Comment by Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?).
Forgot to mention; that not only did I get a Weinie Wave; but I got ‘music’ with it to get my attention. The ‘music’ was a loud Fart; and I laughed so hard I peed in my pants and had to remove them and shower; and then the fun began. Sort of like a Rube Goldberg Foreplay…
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Comment by April.
I am laughing my arse off. The flashing wiener hubby and the let me poke you hubby and the crotch, ass, and tit grabbing hubby—you all just described my husband to a T! He’s all those things in one package. What the hell?
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Comment by Rick's Cafe.
RE: 1%
That’s a good return rate for direct mail/telephone solicitations 
!
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Comment by The Devil's Daughter-In-Law.
Midge, my husband’s idea of foreplay is walking through the kitchen and flashing me his weiner when the kids aren’t looking. There’s not enough whiskey in the free world to get me in the mood for that.
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