Help! I Hate Oral Sex.
There are times when, no matter how Mouthy, a Housewife needs to reach across the great gender divide and seek the wisdom from the manly sex. And that is just what we did. If you love excellent, thoughtful, humorous, sexy writing, you probably already know Neil. But if you don’t yet, head on over there and check out his blog, Citizen of the Month. Oh, every month. And savor his advice. It’s a treat.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a problem that I think is common for a lot of women. I hate oral sex. I mean giving it. I try really my best, but my boyfriend just doesn’t like the way I do it and it leaves us both unhappy. I’m worried that if I don’t get better at it, he’ll go elsewhere. What do you advise?
Signed,
Not Monica Lewinsky
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Dear Not Monica Lewinsky,
If there is one thing that men know well — it is their penises. You cannot fake enjoying oral sex, even if you are “trying your best.” Your boyfriend knows that your BJ doesn’t come from the heart, and a good BJ always comes from the heart. There is only one solution to this problem. You must learn to love oral sex. How is this possible if you find your boyfriend’s penis unattractive or oral sex as seedy? I recommend some of these visualization techniques that I developed while sitting in my therapist’s waiting room this afternoon. I even mentioned them to my therapist and he said they were “interesting.”
1) The “Top Chef” Technique – Women love this popular reality show and they love eating food. Learn to deprogram your brain through the power of your taste buds! What is your favorite food? Chocolate? Salami and Eggs? Combine oral sex and culinary artistry into one experience! How about making the BJ into a BJBLT! Soon, the oral sex alone will trigger the brain in the same way it would as if you are enjoying your grandmother’s delicious pot roast! You will “hungry” for you man like never before.
2) “Viva La France” Technique – What woman doesn’t fantasize herself living in Paris, the fashion capitol of the world, wearing glamorous clothes and living the life she dreamed about before she got stuck in Podunk working a mediocre, low-paying job? Imagine your boyfriend’s penis as the Eiffel Tower and your bed as the Champ de Mars. Hmmm? Doesn’t that change everything? Now, all of a sudden, giving him a BJ is romantic and ooh la la, something very “Audrey Hepburn.”
3) The “Oprah” Technique – Women love to watch Oprah. She is a television icon. When she recommends a book or a movie, women across America listen. Her name is also the perfect word to use while giving a BJ. As you move up and down your boyfriend, keep on repeating, “Oprah, Oprah, Oprah, Oprah.” Rather than be distracted by the act of oral sex, visualize this as a mantra that will help get you on the next mommy blogger panel episode with Dooce.
Keep practicing and soon you will be giving oral sex like a pro, making both of you very happy.
Yours,
Neil
28 Responses to “Help! I Hate Oral Sex.”
Comment by Steph.
Honey, if oral sex is the only thing keeping your man around, I wouldn’t be holding out for a wedding any time soon.
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Comment by Scary Mommy.
Another plus to the The “Oprah” Technique? I’m pretty sure that chanting her name would quickly lead to losing your dear one’s hard-on, thus eliminating the need for you to continue. A win-win.
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Comment by liv.
of course, chanting is not an option when your mouth is full, kwim??
there are books on bettering one’s technique. of course, if you’re not enjoying giving this item from the sex menu, no amount of talking yourself into believing his penis is a lobster will help.
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Comment by Wendi.
Neil, I love your advice and I thank you for being an honorary Mouthy.
And I guess Option #2 explains why Monica Lewinksy was always wearing that beret.
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Comment by Amo.
I have to agree w/ Steph. If he’s leaving you b/c you ’suck at it’, then there probably wasn’t much magic there to begin with…
But Neil, wow. Great analogies. I’m dying over the Oprah technique. snort.
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Comment by Jane Lively.
Hmmmmm… BJBLT. My husband would probably prefer to see Padma simulating that dish.
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Comment by Chris.
I have braces [mid-life crisis crap], so I think it’s the same as having a doctor’s note for P.E. It’s too risky for me to engage in that kind of behavior for another eight months. [THANK GOD.] I’ll tuck these tips away until I get my retainers. Thanks!
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Comment by Heather.
I don’t think I’ll ever crave a BLT sandwich again. That’ll really help out with my diet and losing these last 5 pounds, thanks Neil!
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Comment by Lady of the House.
Neil correct me if I’m wrong but you can’t forget that “Gayle” is always under Oprah. So while you’re sloppily sucking on an Oprah baguette don’t forget to give “Gail” some attention.
If it’s top chef that’s tickling your fancy remember to eat your meatballs.
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Comment by Heather.
Oh goodie! Now I can cross off baguettes and meatball subs as diet tempters.
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Comment by Memarie Lane.
har har neil. what men fail to take into account is that showering beforehand on their part would be very beneficial. but the only thing that would really make it worthwhile for me is if penises were made out of chocolate. otherwise, sorry, can’t see any enjoyment in it. using frat boy lingo is a huge turn-off too. when my husband says he wants some “strange” or “sump’m sump’m” all it inspires in me is an eyeroll and a cold shoulder.
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Comment by the mama bird diaries.
I’m still laughing over, “How about making the BJ into a BJBLT!” Brilliant.
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Comment by Julie B..
Or you can watch the Matrix and then pretend that your boyfriend is “The One”. That worked for me.
I am adding Neil to my reader as we speak. We have so much in common. I can’t believe there is someone else on the planet that enjoys eggs and salami.
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Comment by Ann.
For god’s sakes, Neil!
A long sharp steal monument? I feel more relaxed already!!
And I agree with Kelcey about the BJBLT, but it sounds so delicious I might take a huge bite.
Take heed.
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Comment by witchypoo.
While we’re using our imaginations,how about men imagining our lady bits are lips? That would save us from gagging.
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Comment by Oversharing | Queen of Shake Shake.
[...] did you read Neil’s advice on bl0w jobs? I mean, really. Get your questions in to us while you can before we become famous. Energy beams up [...]
Comment by anonymous today!.
Expanding more usefully on the Tom Chef analogy: a boyfriend made BJ’s much easier on me by refraining from salt and spicy foods for a few days before he asked.
ALSO: a girlfriend of mine said her husband said cinnamon rolls for breakfast made her much yummier that evening. She reported the effect was less noticeable the other way round, but more so if the low-salt no spicy peppers plan was also in effect.
Our own experiments confirm these findings. The effect is subtle, but there.
Plus, finally: the showering thing. Really. Truly. Freshly showered is the only time for BJ’s.
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Comment by New York City Mom|The Mama Bird Diaries - humor parenting.
[...] another note, have you been reading the Mouthy Housewives this week? If not, you missed this hilarious post from our guest poster Neil from Citizen of the Mouth. And every week, we Mouthy Housewives dispense [...]
Comment by Renee.
THE last thing i want to think about during oral sex is OPRAH! YIKES!
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Lillyology Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I’m with you honey. Oprah and Oral in the same train of thought? Not on your life. But if Not Monika really wants to improve, here are some ideas;
A)Feed that man of yours a more “oral friendly” diet – including fresh fruit (pineapple’s goooood for this) and reduce the amount of red meat he eats.
B)Practice makes perfect baby, and bananas are a delicious and nutritious way to wrap your lips around some practice time.
C)Negotiate for some payback pre-play time. Make sure he understands that if you don’t come first you sure as hell best come last or it’ll be the last time he comes.
D)And if all else fails, as it sometimes does even to the most energetic and practised of us; just think bling! Repeating in your head DIAMONDS, SAPPHIRES, RUBIES, EMERALDS then start makin out that Christmas list. If you’re gonna be an actress – ya gotta dress the part babe!
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Comment by rather not say...
just telling your husband you want to be good at a BJ would make him feel like a king. Work on it together. Make sure he’s all showered up, bring a glass of red wine and a Dove chocolate bedside (and a glass of water) and see what happens. Pick a day and do it once a week. My husband is the happiest bloke on the block. Make time for it – your marriage deserves it.
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Comment by gross.
I realize you were going for humor, but your “advice” was all at once nauseating and chauvinistic.
The only solution to the problem is to force yourself to like it? No. Have a mature adult conversation, and work for a compromise (give him handjobs or have vaginal sex more often, or whatever). If he can’t accept it, it’s your mouth and you don’t have to put anything in it that you don’t want to. I find oral sex degrading, disgusting and deviant behaviour. I realize many don’t, but that is just how I feel.
Ask him this. Would he reciprocate? Given the opportunity would he like to stick a dick in his mouth? Would it be okay if you kissed him with a mouth full of his cum after? Or would you be allowed to just spit it on him after? Chance are the answers are almost all nos. I just find it a selfish act, and unfortunatly for boys I am not so selfless to give in to such a request. My loss I guess. (not)
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Marinka Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
I didn’t see the question as implying that oral sex was the only thing that was keeping him around. Especially because Not Monica admitted to not being very good at it.
But all relationships have challenges and that’s where The Mouthy Housewives are real life savers. Or relationship savers.
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