Help Me Turn My Husband OFF
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is at me ALL THE TIME to get it on. I cannot walk from the shower to my room wrapped in a towel anymore for fear of being jumped. He is totally out of control. By day he is a boring suit, but even when I suggest I have the chafe or a boil on my butt, nothing stops him from pestering the crap out of me. I think I am going to get a night job. Surely my sisters in the USA have a bit of advice for a sufferer from down under?
Best Wishes,
Mrs. Woog
P.S. He is out this evening; it is my version of a stay of execution.
P.P.S. I am not 22 and perky. I am 36 and saggy.
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Dear Mrs. Woog,
I’m sorry to hear your husband frequently overdoses on Viagra. It must be a difficult way to live. Surely they have support groups for that? I mean, they have a hair club for bald men. There must be one for men with frequent and long-lasting boners.
Now, while you search for a local chapter of Flaccid Friends, I have a few practical yet world-shattering suggestions for turning off your husband. For beginners, stop walking from the shower to your room in just a towel. Are you insane? Any married woman who does that is just asking for trouble. Walk from the shower to your room dressed as your mother-in-law instead. Best sex repellent ever.
Also, stop lying to your husband. He knows you don’t have “the chafe” (What is that? We don’t have it in America) or a boil on your butt. I suggest you contract ringworm on your butt. He may not believe you even then (after all of the lying), but he’ll damn sure believe you from then on!
Or you could simply call out another man’s name during sex. I say man’s name, because if you called out a woman’s name, that would have the opposite affect and turn him on even more.
Take these suggestions and you’re guaranteed to spend many sexless nights in the future – just like most normal women in their mid-thirties!
Signed,
Heather, TMH
23 Responses to “Help Me Turn My Husband OFF”
Comment by shafeena.
Oh com on !!! just thank the stars you have a passionate and sparking marriage..
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Comment by dusty earth mother.
Seriously, you’re going to have to write back and tell us what “the chafe” is. I’m intrigued because it has a “the” in front of it, meaning that it isn’t just A chafe but THE chafe. Scarrrrryyyyyy.
As for your hubby, try to be grateful that he is still jonesing for your sagginess. And shower at the gym.
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Comment by Sassy.
Is The Chafe when you’ve been “harassed” so much you’re lady parts become very sore from all the friction? I’m in your boat if that’s it. My guy needs to take it easy as well. I don’t see it as a compliment when he is literally riding my back every single day! I need a break from time to time and are not always in the mood. I feel your pain.
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Comment by Plano Mom.
Tell him that the best way to your lady parts is by washing dishes and doing laundry. There is nothing sexier than a man in an apron.
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Comment by Andrea.
Ditto on the not walking from room to room in a towel. NOT a good turn off. 
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Comment by admin.
Perhaps a tattoo of Insane Clown Posse next to the butt boil would do the trick?
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Comment by From Belgium.
Or you could just tell him that you feel that he treats you as a sex object and ignores the real wonderfull you. Pretend to read Plato while saying this. Unless Plato turns him on.
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Comment by Marinka, TMH.
Go Biblical on him and say “I am unclean.” Biblical, or insane.
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Comment by LadySteele.
You must be hotter than you think. My vote is to tell him “if you want to do me, first you’re going to have to do the __________. Fill in the blank with your choice of exciting household tasks like laundry, vacuuming, etc.
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Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.
Walk dressed as your mother in law! Brilliant. Wendi would wear her Kate Gosselin wig, which might work even better.
Get a chastity belt. I don’t know what that is or if they really even exist, but it’s what my father used to declare when I turned 15, like it was some impenetrable forcefield to sex.
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Comment by mom, again.
Heck, demand more than household chores. I’m thinking jewelry. The value of the wedding and engagement ring is surely ‘paid off’ by now.
Also, you might as well use his interest as an excuse for all the salon and spa visits and whatever other pampering expenses you care to run up. Right?
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Comment by windsurferboy1966.
I know that every woman reading this will attack me, but here goes. As a man, I can tell you that we don’t feel loved if we’re not getting sexual attention. When you fend off your husband’s approaches, you are slowly turning him off to you. My wife has made a career out of fending me off. After years of having sex MAYBE 3 times yearly, I’m now looking outside the marriage for the affection and satisfaction I crave. I no longer seek out my wife for sex, as it’s self-abasing and hurtful to beg for something that should come naturally in a marriage. She seems confused by that. If you still want to turn your husband off, start wearing oversize t-shirts to bed and don’t wash your privates, as mine does. It won’t take him long to look for sex elsewhere.
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Comment by diedra.
really..if you had a husband like mine that never wanted sex even after i try everything..including and adventurous attitude you would not be complaining. i’ll trade you for a week and when you feel neglected and needy, you will be happy to go back
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Mrs Woog Reply:
June 24th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
I know I should not bitch… It is just hard to change the habit of a lifetime.
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