He’s Not Gay. Not That There is Anything Wrong With That
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am married to a wonderful man. He’s neat, he’s considerate, and he’s in great shape. However, I’ve heard rumors around the neighborhood that people think he’s gay. Trust me–we have an amazing sex life, and we are as happy as we can be. What can I do to quash these rumors? Or should I even care?
Signed,
He’s Not Gay, Just Happy
___________________________________
Dear In Denial, I mean, Dear He’s Not Gay, Just Happy,
I could get all psychobabbly on you and ask why it bothers you that people think that your husband is gay. I mean, if someone wants to spread vicious rumors that I’m a supermodel with an IQ to match, I’m not going to get bent out of shape. And not just because that would require some intense calisthenics. No, because I am secure in the knowledge that it’s just an ugly rumor.
But let’s say, that for your own personal reasons, it is important to you that everyone know that your husband is heterosexual. This can be accomplished with some behavior modification.
The first thing you have to do is not tell anyone that you have a great sex life, because nothing screams “beard” like a wife telling everyone how great her husband is in bed.
Second, have your husband practice walking around the living room with one hand down his pants and the other on the remote control. Once he is comfortable doing this, have him add a belch or two and then you can take the act out in public!
Third, have your husband learn to fix his eyes on a woman’s breasts when talking to her. Again, at-home practice is crucial to its success. Why not help him along by placing some stickers on the breasticle area of your blouse to help him focus. If you are especially well endowed, why not affix a Liza cd to one breast and a the Best of Barbra to the other.
At the end, though, you should take some solace in the rumors. Because they are jealous. The rumormongers think that your husband is simply too good to be true, and the only way they can live with their rude, slovenly pudgnik is if they reassure themselves that your husband is Brokebacking.
You may not be able to change their minds. But they will not be able to change his sexuality.
Love,
Marinka, TMH
5 Responses to “He’s Not Gay. Not That There is Anything Wrong With That”
Comment by Stesha.
Did Katie Holmes write this letter? Is Tom Cruise the “husband” in question?
Inquiring minds would like to know.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
[Reply]
Comment by Wendi.
Was your wedding song “It’s Raining Men”? If not, I wouldn’t worry.
[Reply]
Comment by kmdguerra.
I got a kick out of this post because my poor husband gets that kinda crap all the time. He dresses well (and loves to shop for me and my daughter), loves Chicago (the group), and we met in the theatre, but he is straight as a board. I think marnika is right; everyone else is jealous that he feels so comfortable being him and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what anyone thinks. Except for me, maybe, because I really can’t stand Chicago and won’t let him play it when I’m home! Great post Marinka!
[Reply]
Comment by MarathonMom.
I think that a straight husband and a gay husband would be the best of both worlds. Like one day my gay husband will be Nate Berkus and SH is fine with it!
[Reply]