My Landlord is a Jerk. And He’s Also My Husband.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a doctoral student who moved into my husband’s house (that he had owned for 10+ years prior to meeting me) when we got engaged a year and a half ago. We’ve now been married nine months. My income is from my meager stipend and part time work when it’s available.
I currently write my husband a check once a month for a little less than half of the monthly bills (including the mortgage). My problem is that I really don’t feel like this is my home. It doesn’t help that when he (unintentionally) refers to things as “his” house/room/garage and refers to my check to him as “rent.”
He wants to keep things as they are for now, and then when he pays off a specific loan, we could start using our joint account to pay bills. I feel bad because I’ve walked into a lovely house that I didn’t pay for and now I pay less than half of the bills. But it still feels really crummy to feel like there’s no home to call my own. When I try to explain this to my husband, he gets upset and points out that I haven’t paid for the house! Please help!
Signed,
Am I Paying Down My Dowry?
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Dear Dowry,
Sounds like your landlord is sort of self centered and not really accommodating. When your lease is up, I would totally find a new rental. Oh, wait. You can’t. Because this is your HUSBAND.
You feel bad?! Seriously? Because he bought the house? Over 10 years ago? Listen, I brought a Jeep Cherokee into the relationship with my husband and you don’t see me holding that 1999 beauty over his head. Once upon a time, your husband bought a house. And then you two got married. And now it’s YOUR house too. And he needs to start acting like it.
He should immediately stop calling it “his” house. If he refuses or doesn’t get why you’re upset, then go out and buy the most awesome Wii games out there and call them “yours.” Make him ask permission each time he wants to play. He’ll start to understand.
I think when couples get married, it just makes sense to pool one’s resources and have a joint checking account in order to avoid this kind of situation. But some couples are more like Brad and Angelina and prefer to keep their riches separate. And I’m certainly not going to judge another woman for having a slush fund for Jimmy Choos. But whatever arrangement is made, the husband and wife must both feel good about it. You shouldn’t feel like you’re living in someone else’s house.
So sit your husband down, tell him the current situation is not working for you, make no apologies about it and work on finding a solution. I would also recommend making a few design changes to the home to make the house feel more like you. (I’d start with tossing out the Jamaican spring break shot glasses and that bean bag chair.)
Good luck to you.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
8 Responses to “My Landlord is a Jerk. And He’s Also My Husband.”
Comment by Sophie.
Kelcey is right, and so is DD. What kind of an arrangement is this?
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Comment by GrandeMocha.
I refused to put any money in the house until my name went on it. He still tries to pull that mine BS and I remind him that it is OURS.
First time something breaks and needs to be fixed or replaced, tell him that you will chip in as soon as it is your house too. As long as you are paying rent, he fixes EVERYTHING himself as landlord.
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Comment by Kokopuff.
Well, your husband is an idiot…but so are you for not discussing this (and probably many other things you will be writing the Mouthy Housewives about shortly) BEFORE you got married. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant. For sure, that baby will be YOURS.
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Comment by Bean.
My DH owned his house before we met. After we married, he put my name on the title. Biggest “what’s mine is ours” message ever.
So, what would happen if you couldn’t work for some reason? Would he evict you? You two need some marriage counseling. Now. Before he’s telling some judge how he “supported you” while you were in school & deserves a portion of your future earnings.
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Comment by mom, again.
Solve it NOW. Show him these posts, find some books to reference, involve a counselor. But solved it NOW, when you are only 9 months in. Discover NOW if it can’t be resolved. Because there is more to it than the money. Your joint ability to settle differences seems pretty weak.
And heck, you don’t need to withhold a Wii to give him the message. If he is treating you like a tenant, treat him like a landlord. You don’t sleep with your landlord.
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Comment by brandilthompson.
I agree with Bean – put your name on the lease. Let him know that it’s important to your relationship that you feel this is just as much his home as yours and tell him you’ll be rearranging a few things and possibly painting… and ask him if he’d like to help you. Yes, you say it’s lovely, but does it reflect YOU? He may not understand how you feel. If he balks at putting your name on the lease, moving his stuff, or putting paint on “his” walls, get the Sunday paper and start circling cute little garage apartments you might be able to afford and leave it sitting out. If your a doctoral student, I’m assuming that eventually you will graduate and you’ll probably be making enough money to buy your own house. Maybe he can move in and pay YOU rent then…
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Comment by Plano Mom.
Oh man. This one hit home. I lived with my EX-husband for many years, and when we got married we split everything – nothing was jointly held. It was the worst thing we could do for our marriage.
Guess what. It’s half yours. Stop acting like you don’t deserve it. He’s more than happy to make you pay half the debt…
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Comment by Desperate Dietwives.
Well sweetheart, the first question that springs to my mind is: how were things when you first moved to his flat? Because I strongly suspect that you started paying him “rent” right from the beginning. Not that this is an excuse for his behaviour, it is a mere application of the common commercial principle “what you see is what you get”.
However things were at the beginning of your relationship, now you are married you should be on an equal basis and this means that you participate in the family expenses. This concept is completely different from that of paying rent, in that everything you both belong, belongs to the other as well. This doesn’t mean that he owns your bras and you his boxers, but simply that the home were you both live belongs to both of you, regardless who paid it and the same goes for the furniture, etc.
It is very important that your husband understands this, because unless he stops thinking in terms of “mine” and “yours”, your relationship will inevitably be jeopardised in the long run.
So talk to him serenely, asking him not to get upset or else if it would upset him more if your marriage ended (and besides, if he – so to speak – handed in his dinner pail, who would own the house? You, his beloved wife!!!!). The trick is to put things in perspective: if you manage this, you can only win.
Good luck!!!
D.D.
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