His Ex-Wife Still Attends the Family BBQ
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been married to my husband for 18 months and we’re both in our 50’s. I could really use your advice concerning his ex-wife. She still thinks his family is her family. She attends every family gathering, seems to be in cahoots with my mother-in-law, and they don’t get why the situation is uncomfortable.
My husband and I refuse to have anything to do with the family until they prune the Ex from the tree, but my mother-in-law won’t accept “our” family unless we accept who she chooses to have in hers. The rest of the family won’t take a stand either way.
Should we stand our ground and stay away until there is a funeral to go to? Or should we kick some butt and tell the ex-wife she’s been paid dearly to move on with her life, so move on?
Signed,
New Bride
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Dear New Bride,
With the help of tarot cards (which strangely resemble Uno cards from the top of my fridge), I sense you have underlying resentment against the ex-wife, perhaps based on the money she received in the divorce. Could this be the source of your “uncomfortable” feeling?
Now, one thing the tarot cards aren’t clear on is your strong desire to be around your in-laws. Unless they serve expensive French wines at every gathering, I don’t understand this territorial war over familial rights.
Exactly why are you picking this fight? Is it because your in-laws are such lovely people that you want to build a bond with them without the complications of past relationships? Or because you want to prove which female of the three has the power in your husband’s life now?
If it’s the former, the tarot cards suggest spending time with your in-laws outside of family gatherings: invite them over for dinner, visit them on a random Saturday, etc. As they get to know you better, especially in a more relaxed environment, they will probably want to spend more time with you than with the ex-wife. She will most likely pick up this vibe at family functions and begin attending less frequently.
If it’s the latter and you are simply engaging in a three-way power struggle, then the orgy tarot card comes up, which I interpret as meaning you are all screwed. No one can “win” this fight, and when it comes to issuing ultimatums to family members, honey, the only tarot card left is the Fool.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
17 Responses to “His Ex-Wife Still Attends the Family BBQ”
Comment by Wendi.
Great advice, Heather. And now I’m picturing you wearing a big caftan and a turban while you gaze into your crystal ball.
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Comment by BeckyK.
Well, see there are two sides to every story and I am guessing that the mother-in-law feels that she didn’t divorce the ex-wife, her son did. So why should she have to severe her relationship with her. Although I understand that the new wife is upset by this fact, I don’t think it will work for her to tell the mother-in-law what to do. I still maintain a relationship with my Uncle’s ex-wife even though he is not happy with that fact. Just because they don’t get along does not mean that we don’t still love her. I think that the new wife needs to just be confident in her relationship with her husband and make an effort to just get along. Because in the end you can’t control what people do anyway.
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elizmk76 Reply:
August 25th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Clearly you are not in this type of situation.
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kcm Reply:
April 21st, 2011 at 9:45 am
Anyone can invite anyone to their home. This is true. As my husband says he would like to be able to go to a family event with his wife….. not his ex-wife! What about the son’s wishes isn’t he family not the ex…
Clearly some of you have never been put in to that situation. It’s uncomfortable for everyone. Especially, if the ex-wife likes to stir up drama so everyone fees sorry for her. It’s not a pleasant party. It’s the ex’s pity party!
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Comment by Teresa.
Becky K is right. Especially if there are kids involved. When I was young, and my step dad left, his family cut us off. Which was really hurtful. My step dad left my mom, but his family was still my family, aunt, uncle, gramma etc. On the other hand my Husband has a few steps and they all get along and in fact ALL of them came to our wedding and come to various other family outings. They put their differences behind them. You can never have too much family, blood/marriage related or not. And if you give it a chance, you might find that you actually like her, after all you have the same taste in men. and she may have had him, but you have him now.
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Comment by thepsychobabble.
I’m in the “Why do you get to dictate who they invite to their home?” club.
If you really can’t handle being around this woman, then stay home. But ftr I think that’s a tad silly and immature.
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Comment by Lara.
I agree: MIL’s gets to choose who to invite to her house. But I wonder… exactly why IS it uncomfortable? Because it could make a difference. If it’s uncomfortable because ex-wife is a screaming hag, then I say she has a point.
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Comment by GrandeMocha.
Maybe the MIL wants the ex back in her son’s life? Maybe the MIL just likes the ex better? Maybe the husband was a jerk to the ex and the MIL feels bad?
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Penny Reply:
March 19th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Maybe the MIL is a sh*t disturber, and enjoys the turmoil and drama? I have one of those! Maybe the X doesn’t know any better, and the family doesn’t know how to tell her it’s inappropriate to attend all family functions. Maybe the family just doesn’t have any allegiance to the husband, and it’s ok either way. You can choose your friends (and new Bride), but you can’t choose your family?
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Comment by MzMasi.
Just because 2 people divorce it doesn’t mean they divorce the entire family… I get that. But, what is silly is a family not developing a relationship with the new spouse because they don’t want to upset the relationship they still have with the ex. In my situation, hubby’s ex forces herself onto my in-laws because its her way of staying connected to my husband. She can’t touch our marriage but she tries to interfere with the relationship we have with hubby’s family. They think they’re being nice to her and allow her to vent about what we’re doing with our lives (vacations, making our babies…) but what many in-laws need to learn is that they should NEVER choose an ex over a family memeber…
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Comment by marker8.
It was once best said ” Divorce is like a death in the family, you mourn it, remember the good times and move on with life. You cannot keep continuing to hold on to the past.” If one would continue to allow the ex to come around then there would be no room in the family for the new wife. Bigomy is against the law after all and he can only have one wife. I am living this situation daily and it is hurtful to everyone involved on every angle. It is respectful to abide by the wishes of your “blood” and what they want.
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Comment by Jacklyn.
Dear New Bird,
Your mother in law is wrong. And you and your husband have the right attitude. If your mother in law had any respect for you she would have excluded the ex. The ex is not related to the family by blood ties,and if she was any good the son wouldn’t have divorced her.
I say stand your grounds. If your mother in law and the rest of the family don’t want to accommodate and make a comfortable place for you then you shouldn’t try to make a space for any of them in your life. Being alone is better than bad company. But you are not alone so you should leave all this drama behind your back and live a life without ex and baggage!
Best wishes
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Comment by Melina.
I am in a sort of similar situation, except that my inlaws are the ones that can’t let go. My Husband and the ex share a child, and i have accepted this wonderful little girl in our lives. I don’t meddle and i don’t discipline, i just let it be. My father in law is the one who can’t stop helping, and kissing the ex’s ass. He is constantly trying to “help” her in any way he can. I don’t agree with him helping the ex financially. I think that any effort made should benefit my step-daugther directly. It makes me uncomfortable, because they make her feel important, when she cheated on their son and had a child with another man while they were still married.
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Heather Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:06 am
Wendi, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
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