In-Law Madness
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My in-laws found my blog. And they do not approve. In fact, they would like me to stop blogging altogether. They also do not like Facebook. And cell phones.
I don’t write about them. I also don’t write for them. I write about me and for me and I want to tell them that if they have a problem with that, they can just stop reading. But they get offended very easily.
They have also announced that there is a curfew at their house and we all have to be awake by 8am when we visit. And we are expected to eat every meal with them, including breakfast, even if we are not hungry or want to make other plans. I’m not sure what I’m asking here. Maybe how do I get them to treat me like an adult, without ruining our already rocky relationship?
P.S. We don’t have kids, but someday we will, and I am worried about the role they will want to play in raising them.
Signed,
The Outlaw
_________________________________________
Dear Outlaw,
I don’t see the problem. Your in-laws want you to stop blogging and Facebooking, get rid of your cell phone and conform to a rigid schedule when visiting them. What exactly did you expect would happen once you were convicted of a felony? You did the crime, now you have to serve the time. That’s the way that society works.
What? Oh, you are not a felon? Hm. Sorry, I just assumed. So if you are not a criminal and you are not a ten-year-old child, I see absolutely no reason for your in-laws to treat you like that. I know that you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but the only way that you will be able to tiptoe around this one is if you have moves that would make Ginger Rogers rise from the grave and demand dance lessons.
I assume that you’ve already considered writing a “My in-laws have this insane curfew and house rules” post on your blog. It would certainly kill a few birds with one post and probably would be deeply satisfying.
If that approach is not for you, tell your in-laws that blogging makes you happy and ask them what their concerns are. If the concerns are legitimate (such as internet safety, privacy, etc.), address them. If the concerns are what you consider eccentric (the internet is the Devil’s Playground), assume that you will never see eye to eye. If your blog is relatively new and you want to appease them, change the URL and blog anonymously. But if you love your blog the way it is, don’t change a thing. Sooner or later you’ll have to put your foot down and live your own life, and a blog seems like a good place to start.
As for the curfew, I must admit that I’m curious as to what they would do if you slept in until 9 am. Ground you? Take away your car keys? Force you to sit through a Dr. Phil episode? If their expectations are not acceptable to you and your husband, the two of you should let them know. Try to figure out some things that you can do together–dinner, perhaps, but explain that you simply cannot comply with each of their requests.
The conversation may be unpleasant, but it will lay the much needed groundwork for when you do have children.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
22 Responses to “In-Law Madness”
Comment by Tammigirl.
Really, your blog (or blogs) are up to you. As long as you aren’t passing out information which identifies them, let them say what they want. Keep doing what you want.
I have some great, quite obvious to me, advice. Do not stay at their house. If they do not live nearby and you must visit them stay somewhere else. I would sleep in my car before I let people who I have an already strained relationship with be control freaks with me.
But then, I believe in respecting their house and their wishes when I am in their house. I would, therefore, not be staying with them.
If you don’t have the money to stay somewhere else sell Tupperware or something to earn the money. It wouldn’t take much time to earn enough for a priceline hotel. Then you can write a blog post about how Tupperware saved your life!
Either that, or monetize your blog so the nosy in-laws can earn you money with all the clicking they are doing through your business.
[Reply]
Comment by Marella.
Dear Outlaw,
In all of your letter you don’t tell what your husband’s reaction to the curfew is. It is important that you both feel the same way.
Anyway, your in-laws are easily offended, but they don’t bother to set offensive rules for others.
I find Marinka’s reply perfect and unfortunately don’t think there is an easy way out of this, but if you discuss each issue with them, they will have to realize that you are an adult and they can’t impose their will on you.
I’m also assuming that you are not going to stay with them until all of this has been explained away and your reasons accepted.
Good luck!
[Reply]
Comment by Lady Steele.
I think if they are going to treat you like a child you should let them. Try bringing your laundry over a few times (a la college coed), and see if mom-in-law takes care of it. You might also trying bumming some money from them.
[Reply]
Comment by Stace.
Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!
After 13 years of marriage, and In-laws who criticized everything I did…I speak from experience.
Once I stepped up and said “no more”, and let them know I would not participate in any family event until they could treat me with respect, and my husband let them know he sided with me, our relationship got better. I actually invited them to Easter dinner and we had a GREAT time. Can you stay in a hotel when you visit them?
Good luck. It’s not an easy road.
[Reply]
Comment by hokgardner.
I second the idea of staying at a hotel. That way you don’t have to eat every meal with them and you can go to bed and wake up when you want.
[Reply]
Comment by Plano Mom.
Thank you for reminding me to tell my in-laws I love them and appreciate them.
[Reply]
Comment by GrandeMocha.
Wow! These people make my inlaws look good. I didn’t think that was possible.
You have to put your foot down NOW about what you will tolerate. Hopefully your husband will agree with you & back you up. If not, go to the hotel by yourself. And get used to it, you will have to stand up to them A LOT!
[Reply]
Comment by wendy.
I have crazy co-dependent MIL and SIL. A couple of months ago, I pulled all my blog posts that could be construed as mean or might hurt their feelings. Then they went on yet another tangent of assholioitis where I’m the meanest person in the world because I won’t play their reindeer games. Now I write about them again, but I “pretend” the posts are stories about someone else. Passive-agressive, I know, but still fun.
And stay in a hotel!
[Reply]
Comment by Grandmother of 5.
Im passing this on to my daughter and her husband before there is death in their family! ASSHOLEITIS!!!!! HA!!!!!
[Reply]
Comment by marathonmom.
If you want to get all geeky about it, you can pay for a service that blocks their IP addresses from viewing your stuff. It would be pretty simple to do considering that these people don’t appear to be very smart about um well lots of things. Then go to Sam’s and by them a huge tube of cortisone cream for their ass rash – just to show them that you really care.
[Reply]
Comment by Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him.
As the author of a blog called I’m Gonna Kill Him, with the ‘Him’ being my husband and the son to my in-laws, I can say that yours are being highly oversensitive. Or maybe mine are just super awesome, now that I think about it.
Either way, draw the boundary lines now BEFORE children or you’re going to find your mother in law breastfeeding your own child in the middle of the night (I think it’s possible).
[Reply]
thepsychobabble Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 11:56 am
I think your inlaws are just super awesome Erin, lol
To the OP: Stay at a motel, and pull the plug on the phone so you don’t get any “Oh, good morning, just wanted to call and see what your plans were today!” phone calls.
And either discretely change your blog address, block their IPs or tell them to piss off, what you do in your free time is your business.
[Reply]
Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Block IPs?? That’s possible? Oh my, if only I could identify the IP that parades as ESPN reporter Erin Andrews posting defamatory remarks on my site.
Also, I meant to elaborate on my point about granchildren (you know, beyond terrifying you with the notion of your MIL nursing your child)…I know from friends that grandkids can be a great trump card with grandparents…’can’t see my kids if you don’t start acting normal because I don’t want your crazy lotion rubbing off on them’ sort of thing.
[Reply]
Comment by Been There....
You’ve gotten some great advice here – the only thing I’d ad is that you husband needs to be the primary dealing with them. He needs to address the curfews, meals, why-you’re-staying-at-a-hotel- insteaad-of-with-them questions, infantilization, and so on. His parents, his confrontations. Otherwise, the two of you may not be seen as a team by them.
And you might want to google “mother in law stories” and see what comes up.
[Reply]
Comment by kmdguerra.
Damn, I must have saved a bunch of orphans from a burning building in a past life. Thank you Universe for my amazing MIL and SMIL. My father in law…well, one of those orphans must have had a kitten or something that got burned up, but hey, two outta three ain’t bad!
There’s a saying in my family: tact is knowing how to tell someone to go to hell and make them look forward to the trip. You need to learn you some and stat!
Just out of curiosity, do they treat your husband and his siblings (or other relatives if he has no siblings) the same way? How do they put up with it? You could learn a few pointers from them. Otherwise, stay in a hotel or with someone else when you visit and stand your ground. You mentioned a rocky relationship with them…how will the one with your husband be after dealing with that crap?
Good luck!
[Reply]
GrandeMocha Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I’m stealing “tact is knowing how to tell someone to go to hell and make them look forward to the trip. ” cause I like it SOOO much. Now if you just tell me what aisle to look in a Target for it(tact), I’d get the BIG box. ‘Cause I’m gonna need it.
[Reply]
Comment by mom, again.
hmmmm, where did this curfew come from? is it a small house? is the guest room to fold out sofa bed in the living room? is it really just plain inconvenient for them to have to tip toe around and lack access to that space because you guys stay up late watching movies. are they stressed about avoiding going near the living room lest they walk encounter a little early morning activity between you and your spouse?
this would accurately describe my parents house, and various situations encountered by their various grown children.
just saying, even the crazy is sometimes just a way to get along in the short term in an awkward situation.
as for their opinion on your blog, I got no explanation, they are just old fashioned, out of touch and stupid.
[Reply]
Comment by frustrated with my in laws too.
I, too, get treated like a child with my in laws, though it’s my husband’s step mother that is the in-law problem, not his real mom. Well, I think his dad doesn’t like me either, but whatever. We’ve been together 11 years and married for 5. It was after our wedding that they started treating me bad. I will say, though, I think the step mother in law doesn’t like me because I require that she treats me like an adult. She always wanted a daughter and never had one, so when we got married, she tried treating me like one. She thinks I’m disrespectful to her (not sure how because I’m always polite and try to accommodate them). I think it’s just because I won’t let her treat me like a child. She does have one other daughter in law to be that lost her mother years ago. She’s latches on to my step-mother-in-law so they get along wonderfully.
My advice is to require that they treat you like an adult. That means speaking up for yourself and not allowing them to do things that push the boundaries. If it offends them, oh well.
As for the blog, I have the same problem but she just thinks I’m too blunt. Isn’t that what blogs are for? To say what you want to say to the world? Let people know it’s ok to think and feel certain ways and that your readers aren’t the only ones?
Anyway, enough rambling for me. Good luck!
[Reply]
Comment by Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town (But Your Mom Needs To Stay Home) | The Mouthy Housewives.
[...] like your mother for some reason they won’t disclose. Or maybe, and most probably, they’re just completely thoughtless. But the reason doesn’t really matter when it’s causing you and your mom so much [...]
RSS Feed
Vodka Tonic Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Um, I doubt mom’s at home with a static IP.
Sorry to be a geek and pop that bubble.
Can WE read your blog, though??
[Reply]