22 May
College Bound with Mom in Tow

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Due to the free falling economy, I find myself contemplating courses this fall at a local college … the SAME year my youngest will be attending (his first year).

This, of course, is freaking him the hell out - LIKEOMGWTFBBQ !! -  his mother will be attending the same school?? His coolness factor may plummet into the 56th level of hell!! Deep and ever lasting mental trauma will ensue!! My very proximity will ruin his social prospects for decades to come!!! Blah blah blah.

We are not taking the same courses, and I have vowed on my eventual grave that I will not embarrass him by waving at him in the hallways with a cheery “How’s your day going, sweetie-kins? Mumsy-wumsy wuvs you! Mwah!”  etc, but he’s still curled up on the living room floor sobbing like a girl.

Any suggestions to calm this little ingrate down would be really appreciated.

Yours,

Canadian Mom

_________________

Dear Canadian Mom,

You just gave me quite a horrifying flashback to the days when my sweet dad would pick up from school in his beat up, rusty VW bug, sporting the biggest, curly haired Art Garfunkel do you’ve ever seen. I used to absolutely beg him to not pull up in front of the school, out of fear that my friends would glimpse his enormous hair. And of course, he insisted on picking me up out front because he loved me that much.

But despite my own parent post traumatic stress syndrome, I’m going to press on and try to help you. I think it’s incredibly awesome that you are considering going back to school. And someday your son will appreciate such a wonderful role model like yourself. Unfortunately that day is definitely not today.

In order to reassure your son that his life is not actually over, promise to do the following. Try to arrange your classes so that there is no chance of running into him in the halls. If you do see each other, just give him a simple, low key wave so his new college friends can just secretly wonder, “Hey, who’s the sexy MILF?”  And despite your desire to relax after school, it’s probably best to skip Two for One Pitcher’s Night at the local college bar because you’re bound to run into your mortified son. Better to stay home, drink wine and watch reality TV like every other respectable mom.

Hopefully these simple ground rules will be enough to motivate him off your living room floor. If he’s still down in the dumps, just tell him to knock off the whining or you’ll force him to share a locker with you.

Love,

Kelcey, TMH

5 Responses to “College Bound with Mom in Tow”

05.22.09#1

Comment by Aludra.

Man. Miss Canadian Mom, he should be grateful to have someone like you as his mother. I mean you even say “OMGWTFBBQ”. That’s a serious win. And you value education. You rock, and he’ll figure it out when he grows out of his self-centered universe a lil’ bit. At least you’re not pregnant at the same time his wife is. Right? Cuz that’d be a million times creepier in my book.

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05.22.09#2

Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.

Act like you’re just as horrified that your prospective new college friends will know you are old enough to have a son in college and make him SWEAR he won’t approach you at school.

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05.22.09#3

Comment by mimi.

tell him to act like a grown up & get over it already. college is a big place. with no effort whatsoever, the two of you can manage to NOT see each other at all.

I went back to school when & where my oldest began community college & didn’t finish until my youngest was in her second year. at various times, I carpooled with one or the other. Occaisionally, we made the effort to meet for coffee, once in a while, their friends recognized me & stopped for a chat. But mostly, I was too busy with my progam, & they were too busy with theirs.

In my last year, we totally took advantage of my priority status for registration (the longer you’ve been attending, the earlier you can register. the lesser the later, sometimes meaning the class you want is filled). Knowing I could petition my instructors for late registration to most of my classes, I registered for the hard to get into classes for my daughter. When her registration finally opened, we phoned in at the same time, I’d drop the class & she’d be poised to pick it right up. Excellent!

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05.22.09#4

Comment by Ann's Rants.

Kelcey,

Sound advice.

No thanks to you I’m now having flashbacks of having to drive my parents VW Camper/Shoebox in high school. Guess what they got upon my graduation? A hot little miata convertible.

Thanks, fuckers.

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05.25.09#5

Comment by MG Tarquini.

Say this to him, ‘Look kid, it ain’t all about you anymore. Last thing I need is my classmates grokking I’m old enough to even HAVE a kid in college. Man up. Pretend you don’t know me, or I’ll enroll in every class you take, insist on sitting next to you and will promise power-point presentations of your baby pictures to every potential girlfriend. Hai capito?’

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