I’ll Be Right Outside. Waiting.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
After years of going to the ladies room with me, my 5-year-old son now wants to go into the men’s room without me. The first time he did this, I stood outside the men’s room door like a freak, waiting anxiously for him to come out and glaring toughly at all the men who walked in. I’m (sort of) sure he’ll be okay in there, but I just don’t like the thought of a little boy being alone in the restroom with strange men. What can I do to calm down?
Signed,
Waiting Outside
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Dear Waiting,
I assume that for reasons that are best known to you, you’ve decided that gender reassignment is not the right option for your family right now. Therefore, you are facing a problem that all opposite sex parents experience when out with their children.
Fortunately, there are solutions.
You could delay your departure from home by a few minutes during which you ensure that your son not only used the bathroom but is in the early stages of dehydration. Or you could remain within a 200 yard dash to your bathroom. You could insist that his father accompany you on all outings. You might consider donning an Annie Hall-type outfit and leading him into the men’s room yourself. All of these are viable and strongly recommended if you want to end up on that new website, Mothers of Walmart.
The fact is, millions of people of all ages use public bathrooms every day without becoming crime victims. We know this rationally, but it’s hard to forget that kid in Witness. I mean, what if my little boy goes into the bathroom and comes out Amish? That would be really inconvenient, especially now that The Real Housewives of New York City is going to be back on TV soon.
Talk to your child. Explain, if you haven’t already, the concept of stranger danger and make sure he knows what to do if someone approaches him in the men’s room. (Scream). And if you feel like your child has been in there for too long, announce loudly that you are coming in. Chances are great that you will hear a mortified “MOOOOM! I’M WIPING!!” which will be like a Beethoven sonata for your soul.
By the way, last year, Dear Abby recommended that children take a walkie talkie to the bathroom so that they can alert mom in case there is a problem. Free Range Kids took her to task for her advice. And not just because walkie talkies are so 1980s. Certainly, there’s an app for bathroom danger now on the iPhone, right?
Love,
Marinka, TMH
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Hey, have you heard? BlogHer ’10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of the Mouthy Housewives (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. It’s going to be fantastic, but we need your help. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session”. This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you! And see you in NYC!
7 Responses to “I’ll Be Right Outside. Waiting.”
Comment by MommyTime.
We HAVE walkie talkies! We bought them when we were making a cross-country move and we needed to be able to talk to each other while one of us was driving the UHaul and the other the car. Yes, we had not emerged from the dark ages to achieve cell phones yet. I am totally going to resurrect them for public restroom duty for my son now. He will love it.
This comment probably isn’t helpful, is it? I’m sorry.
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Comment by Pollyanna.
My solution is to have another kid. One tattles on the other all the time so I get all the details of the bathroom activities when I send them in together. If so much as a paper towel gets violated, I hear about it.
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Comment by the mama bird diaries.
I would stress too! But this is great advice. Forget the walkie talkie. Everyone in the bathroom would just mock him.
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Comment by GrandeMocha.
I was a field trip mommy for my son’s kindergarten class. I took 3 little boys into the women’s room with me. One refused to go in & bolted. We all took care of business & then went in search of Colin. The teacher had him & was holding on to him. I have never been selected to be a field trip mommy again. Genius? I like to think so.
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Comment by Heather.
Forget an iPhone app. Why can Steve Jobs make an iToilet? That wipes the kids’ butt for them.
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Comment by Amy.
I too was one of those Nervous Nellies and if he didn’t come out in the time I figured he needed I would call in 
Yes men, I was that woman yelling into the Mens room “Johnny is everything ok? Do you need help”. Figured that would put any pedophile off knowing Mom was waiting for a reply.
Yeah, eventually my son told me to knock it off.
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Comment by christy.
Oh my god how funny will it be if everyone starts getting their kids walkie talkies for public outings now? Great advice!
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