Comments on: Impromptu Play Dates Are Not My Thing

By: busymom

busymom — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:17:51 +0000

Just to follow up, I’ve done that with all my neighbours (just set some ground rules to begin with) and then just let my children sort it out themselves – I don’t tend to get too involved. My rules were just not until homework was done, not during family time (if my kids just wanted to play together, as they often do after busy school day), of if an actual play date was going on (if they had a special friend over and just wanted to play with them). My kids were comfortable saying “no not today, but we will tomorrow if it’s good”. That avoids all kinds of hurt feelings. We also let the kids play out front (basketball net, hockey sticks etc, and on bikes) and if friends came along and said “want to play” it was casual, easy going, and I didn’t feel I was babysitting. I would sometimes provide popsicles, etc. but I didn’t have kids all coming in to use bathroom or eat me out of house and home – just set some ground rules, and then let the kids handle it. We did as children – times haven’t changed that much. But if people are rude (which I feel the other mother is being) just deal with it upfront. I once had to say “I would prefer… in case it’s not a convenient time, and that way it will avoid disappointment for the kids” if you really have to. Honesty (just saying what you would prefer) seriously is the best thing to do. You don’t have to hide!!

By: busymom

busymom — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:11:53 +0000

Just read this because friend is going through a similar situation. I believe honesty is the best solution myself – just be upfront with the child’s mother about what you are comfortable with. I think it’s a personal thing – some moms have no problem with people coming over uninvited, and to some it feels like an invasion of privacy or family time. I don’t think we should be quick to judge – it’s this mother’s home and her family’s, and what she wants should go. It doesn’t say whether her kids like playing with this child on a regular basis, or if they all find it annoying. It also doesn’t sound as if this child is just now and then – it sounds almost continual – which would be annoying. Anything in moderation (visits, phone calls to ask to play, etc.) is ok – but anything done to excess (where it clearly isn’t appreciated) just is rude. Not the child (who doesn’t know any better and has good intentions) but the mother is being rude. If you haven’t reciprocated (invited child over) then her continuing to send her over is rude. I’m not sure why this is so complicated. If you indeed want your children to be friends with this girl, but on a more limited and convenient basis, then simply tell the mother that when you have time and kids are interested, you will invite her over – or call on her (so it’s not so one sided). It has to work for the mother – she doesn’t need to deal with another kid at end of day if she’s not up for it.

By: kitty

kitty — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 03:54:22 +0000

If it really bothers you that they are always at your house, send them packing to a local park or better yet send your kids to ask if they can play at the neighbors house.

I’m glad there are others here who think like I do. You don’t need to check on your kids constantly or know where they are every second of the day? Geez! Give kids some credit.

When I was 9+ (after grade 4 at least) all the kids in the neighborhood just ran free. Of course we had limits and we knew them but half the time my parents probably didn’t know where I was. Honestly once I was over the age of 9 I was smart enough to have some sort of responsibility over myself. I knew not to go on the street, not to talk to strangers (and definitely not go with them), to be home for dinner, and tell my mum which friend I was going to play with. Actually come to think of it, I was roaming the streets of my area with the neighbour kids after grade 1 & 2(usually with one or 2 older kids too though). Ahhh sweet memories!

Stop helicopter parenting and give kids some space! Of course I have always lived in safe areas so my view id based on others living in similar conditions.

By: amy

amy — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:30:34 +0000

Can sympathize, our house is kid central and always has been. I don’t mind though as I know where my kids are but yeah, it would be nice if it was somewhat RECIPROCAL!

By: mom, again

mom, again — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:33:52 +0000

Playdates are scheduled in order to see kids you don’t live near enough to just go back and forth between houses. Kids from school but not your neighborhood, kids from church, kids from karate class or soccer team or dance class.

Playing with the neighbors is just that, they come over, or you go over, and play. You can set limits: not before 4 pm or when homework is over; not after 6 pm or when dinner is ready.

I think it is seriously weird that to expect to control your school aged children’s lives to the point that they can only play with other children at playdates scheduled to suit you.

I think it is seriously sad that that neighbor child is so starved for company that, despite your rebuffs, he keeps showing up.

By: tornshoelace

tornshoelace — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:22:55 +0000

Homework comes first, for sure, but this isn’t a playdate. I think playdates ruin PLAYING. Remember, that thing we used to do when we were kids?

As a kid, everyone in my neighborhood just knocked on each other’s doors when we wanted to play. We WERE out without our parents knowing exactly where we were, but had strict rules about how far we could go and which houses were off limits (also timeframes). If so-and-so couldn’t play, we moved to the next friend’s house. What’s so foreign about that?
Yes, times aren’t as they were, but how can we have changed so much that we don’t recognize kids being kids?

By: Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:17:41 +0000

Wow. You are seriously complaining about needing routine and predictability, while simultaneously complaining that this kid is over there every day, like clock work. So what’s the prob?

First, have some sympathy for the kid.

Second, set her to work. She meets you at your car door? Great! She can help you carry in groceries.

The kids are doing homework? She can bring over a book to read quietly while they do.

She can either help you make dinner – surely, she can tear lettuce for a salad and set the table – or she can keep out of your way while you do.

This girl (or boy) is obviously at the very least super lonely or at the worst, desperate to escape a miserable home life.

I bet this kid isn’t really what is dragging you down. If there are areas of your life where too much is being asked of you, address that. I have a hard time believing adding one kid to three is really throwing you for that much of a loop.

By: christy

christy — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:37:32 +0000

I dread the day when issues like this become my reality. I’m afraid I’ll be known as the mean mom – NO I’m sorry she can’t play right now you little brat.

Great advice Heather!

By: assomeoneelse

assomeoneelse — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:21:45 +0000

Honestly I’m just shocked that some kids actually come to the door. The kids who live next door to us are afraid of our dog, and know that we keep our widows open due to a lack of air conditioning unit. So instead of knocking they stand on the sidewalk and yell for my kids. Which of course kicks up the dog of which they are afeared, making them scream like someone’s got a knife to their throat, making the dog bark even more, making them scream even more….I think you get the idea.

But back to the point, don’t ever be afraid of saying no to other kids. Although we have one here who you say “after homework” and they stand in the yard looking at the house and waiting until the kid in question has finished said homework.

By: Wendi

Wendi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:04:37 +0000

I know it might sound “weird” to hide from the kid in our neighborhood, and I’m all for letting my kids just play outside which they do often, but this particular boy who’s bugging us is always in our yard and ringing our doorbell. We ask him to leave, we ask his mother to not let him come over constantly, but she just lets him run free all afternnon without knowing where he is. So…that’s why we just started ignoring his non-stop doorbell ringing. Not the perfect solution, but that’s what it’s come down to.