Facebook May End My Marriage
It’s nothing but excitement around here as we welcome our Friday guest poster, Beej from The Bean. Beej is one hilarious blogger and actually less scary in person, even if she struggles with how to congratulate you on your boob job. After you’ve read her advice, check out her funny blog, you won’t be disappointed.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is addicted to updating on Facebook and I’m annoyed that all of our friends seem to know stuff about me. Nothing private, but like what we did over the weekend. I hate Facebook. Can this marriage survive?
Signed,
Facebook Hater
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Dear Facebook Hater,
Listen. Facebook is an addiction. Just like some people wind up hooked on drugs, gambling or sex, other people find themselves unable to escape the demon of Facebook dependence.
It often starts with “gateway” social media like Twitter — once the budding addict develops a taste for 140 characters, he suddenly needs moremoremore and goes looking anywhere for that next fix.
And there’s Facebook. Leaned up all casual-like against the school fence. Saying, “Hey, man, wanna try something COOOOOOL?” Before you know it, your poor guy’s completely strung out on pillow fights and Farmville. He can’t STOP himself from telling the world what you had for breakfast or how many hours you spent in the can. He’s a junkie.
Perhaps an intervention should be planned. (Interventions are awesome because they often involve snacks.) Gather a bunch of friends at your house one night. Get everyone drunk and when your husband comes home after a long day at work, have them jump out screaming and scare the hell out of him. He’ll love it! He’ll walk around hugging his friends and saying things like “I can’t believe you guys!” and “It’s not even my birthday!” while he plans his next status update in his head about how lucky he is. And you guys can all snicker behind his back for a while until you finally sit him down and circle like a pack of wolves. And then you can take his hand and say, “But seriously, honey, we think you have a problem…”
(Be sure someone’s there with a camera to capture that special moment. He’ll want to post that later.)
Most importantly — BE PATIENT! Facebook addiction can’t be overcome in just one day. It’ll take hard work and hours of counseling. Your husband faces weeks of painful withdrawals, and you’ll have to be there for him every step of the way. It’ll be hard on you both, but if you can make it – and that’s a big “IF” — your marriage will come out even stronger than it was before this hellish nightmare began.
If you guys DON’T make it, though, tell him to look me up on Mafia Wars.
Signed,
Beej
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Don’t Expect Me To Stroke Your Ego
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Over two years ago, I briefly dated a guy I dubbed “Flaky Jon” after his on-again/off-again interests. I finally told him to stop emailing me when he felt down, and to get his ego stroked somewhere else. Well, after a year of zero contact, he just emailed me through Facebook (where I am now going to block him). But I went to look at his page, I saw his posts of him with his girlfriend and their barfy sweet messages back and forth on his public wall.
So now I’m asking myself, what part of “don’t contact me just to get your ego stroked” doesn’t he get? Why email me to say “just thought of you and hope you’re doing well” when you’re happily dating someone and we were never friends outside of the failed dating attempt? What is the purpose of that? I don’t get it and am hoping you can shed some light on this mysterious and annoying behavior.
Signed,
I Don’t Stroke Egos
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Dear Don’t Stroke Egos,
I’m so glad you wrote in because it has reminded me to never contact an old boyfriend. Oh crap, too late. I already did. I should delete my Facebook profile; how will I ever live this down? He probably thinks my marriage is on the rocks and that I suffer from a fragile ego.
It’s unfortunate that Apple has yet to develop an iPhone telepathy app, or I would tell you exactly why Flaky Jon contacted you. Instead, we’ll have to use conjecture and projection.
It could be he is using Facebook messaging as a preemptive booty call. He wants to keep the back door open just in case things don’t work out with his sweet and barfy girlfriend.
Or it could be he contacted you for the same innocent reasons I’ve contacted old flames (hint: it isn’t because I want to dry hump them like it’s 1991 all over again.) Of the few I’ve emailed, it’s for one of two reasons. A) I genuinely liked them as a person, not just as a meat stick, and I’m curious as to how they are doing in life. Or B) I want to know if they got fat, especially if they dumped me.
So maybe Flaky Jon wants a back-up girlfriend, maybe he just wants to see if you’ve gotten fat. (And if you have, I don’t blame you for blocking him.) Until Apple develops that telepathy app, we’ll never know for sure.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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I Want Your Sex Every Day of the Month
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I asked my husband what he thought about one of those agreements I’ve heard married couples trying where they have sex once a day every day for a set amount of time. I threw a month out there. It’s supposed to improve intimacy.
His reaction was a surprise. He said he didn’t know. He asked if it was still required if I was yelling at him to put his dishes away. Or if I would be wearing lingerie. In short, he wasn’t overly interested.
To quantify, we have sex probably once every two weeks. It’s hot sex and I look forward to it. Yes, I wish there was more, but I want him to initiate more. Yes, we fight once in a while (once or twice a month maybe?). I am certain, without a doubt, he is faithful. Is this a warning sign that we are in trouble? Most husbands are pretty excited for this offer, and surprised it’s even on the table. Should I be worried?
Signed,
Feeling Not So Sexy Now
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Dear Feeling Not So Sexy Now,
I actually think your husband should be grateful because this woman offered her husband sex for 365 nights in a row as his 40th birthday present. And he initially turned her down, too. Her reaction…
“I gave him the ultimate offer — the stuff of fantasy — and he said, ‘Yeah, not so much.’ Why wasn’t he jumping up and down like a kid in a candy store? Why were there no high fives? No kisses of joy and gratitude, and phrases like, ‘You’re definitely going to win ‘Wife of the Year’ with this one, honey!’”
So as you can see, there are men everywhere who are a bit weary of too much time in the sack. And women who can’t believe they are being turned down. You are not alone.
Basically, unless you’re married to a horny 18 year-old college student (and if you are, I’m seething with jealousy over here as I imagine his sweaty six-pack, toned biceps and full head of hair), a lot of husbands are not going to shout hallelujah at the chance to have obligatory sex every night of the week. It just feels too forced.
But there is no reason you can’t improve your sex life. If your husband does not want to do this one month sexathon, then ask him what he does want. And let him know you’d like him to initiate more. There are many ways to work on intimacy without missing out on all your favorite TV shows because you’re stuck in the bedroom night after night.
And it doesn’t sound like there is anything wrong with your marriage. You’re married, still have HOT sex and ONLY fight once or twice a month. Girl, you two got it going on. I promise.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?
Signed,
Not Feelin’ The Spirit
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Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,
Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.
So, what are we waiting for?!
Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)
But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)
You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.
If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.
That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Stop Making Plans, I’m Pregnant!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am six months pregnant and very hormonal. My husband’s brother called last week and said that he had set a date for his wedding. It just so happens that it is four hours away, two weeks before my due date. Now, this wouldn’t be such a big deal except my other son was born four weeks early. Oh, and he wants my husband and son to be IN the wedding. I don’t want to go and I don’t want my boys to go either. Am I just being mean or do I have a right to be angry?
Signed,
Pouty Preggo
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Dear Preggo,
Of course you have a right to be angry! Stupid brother-in-law is focused his stupid plans for his stupid wedding when you are on the verge of procreating and making sure that the human race continues to exist. Certainly puts things in perspective.
What? You really thought that I’d tell a hormonosaurus that she’s being unreasonable? My mama didn’t raise no fool, you know.
But maybe your brother-in-law’s mama did. Perhaps he thinks that your June 1st due date is etched in stone and feels free to plan around it. This is the perfect time for you to have a talk with him. Let him know that when mommy and daddy love each other very, very much, they enjoy a special hug. And then, some nine months later, a beautiful baby is born. But the nine months time is approximate because sometimes the beautiful baby is in a very big rush to meet his mommy and daddy and also favoritest uncle in the whole world. And the beautiful baby would be sad to know that he was born right during the wedding and missed all the fun. That would make the beautiful baby cry. A very loud cry that pierces the soul and sterilizes middle aged men. Certainly, your bro-in-law doesn’t want that.
Or, have your husband tell his brother that if the wedding is so close to your due date, your family can’t guarantee attendance. But promise to definitely try to make the next one!
Best,
Marinka, TMH
