Up Close And Personal With The Housewives: Meet Wendi!
Guess what, people? Now you no longer have to dig through our trashcans and spy on us with telephoto lenses to find out what really makes us tick! Because today we start an exciting new feature here at The Mouthy Housewives: Meet Your Housewives! (Where the damn confetti cannon at? Marinka, weren’t you in charge of that?)
Anyway, since you all read our words every week and dream about hanging out with us at the Paramus Mall Food Court, we’re now giving you the chance to know our deepest, darkest secrets. (Or at least the ones that don’t include what we did to that cagey Tunisian drifter back in ’87. Trust us, we’ll never tell.) But we just know we’ll all feel like BFFs by the time we’re done with this fun new feature! {{Hugs.}}
Today, let’s meet WENDI.
Name: Wendi Aarons
Age: STFU
Hometown: Austin, Texas
Here’s a glamour shot of Wendi enjoying herself at the ultra chic Great Wolf Lodge. Isn’t she just gorgeous with those Wolf Ears? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect she keeps them in her nightstand drawer for those times she wants to get really wild. Rwor!
And now, Wendi answers some probing questions asked by her lovely Sister Wives!
Dear Wendi:
What’s your spirit animal?
Is Chardonnay an animal?
What’s your sign? And major? And are those space pants you’re wearing?
Scorpio, Film and Duh.
Which Kardashian are you?
Klingon, the one they keep in the shed with their coffins and cases of hair dye.
Most embarrassing moment as a mother?
Walking through Banana Republic with my nursing bra flaps unhooked. Whee!
Favorite Real Housewife?
Ramoner!
If your neighborhood did superlatives, what would you be voted as?
(tie) Most Likely To Report People For Leaving Their Trashcans Out and Best Ass
What plastic surgery will you get first?
Pec implants.
Are you a natural blonde?
I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer, Tonya. Haters gonna hate.
Who would portray you in a Lifetime movie?
Drunk Tracey Gold or sober Sammy Hagar.
Celebrity crush when you were 16 and now?
George Michael. And it’s still George Michael even though, yes, Kristine, I know he doesn’t swing my way and I’m perfectly fine with that because we connect on a deeper, pop music level and OMG I TOTALLY KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM SWITCH TEAMS IF I DRESS UP LIKE A HOT COP.
What name does your husband call you?
We only use our celestial names at home, so “Xyzyzyzyzy.” Or “Stop Using All Of The Hot Water, Dummy.”
Can you say “making love” without cringing?
Yes! Watch: Mak….makin….making lo-hhhhhhvvv…making looo-hhhh…OH MY GOD I CAN’T STOP DRY HEAVING! WHO HAS A PAPER BAG CAUSE MAMA GONNA DO A PUKE!
Who is your favorite Mouthy Housewife?
Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to answer this, Kelcey. Do you think I want another table flipping brawl in the TMH cabana? Honestly, woman.
What was your first car?
A 1980 sky blue Nova that didn’t go in reverse. Thanks, mom and dad!
What’s your bra size?
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact. The end.
Favorite classic book?
Is Chardonnay a book?
Whooo! Now that you know Wendi better, feel free to send her gift cards and any of your spare pharmaceuticals. And we’ll be back soon with yet another Meet Your Housewives! Happy weekend, everyone!
28 Comments <-- Click to Comment
I Got Rid of My Boyfriend But Now I Need Friends
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A few days ago, I ended a serious relationship. It was mutual and not a bad breakup but I have no desire to remain in contact with my ex simply for the sake of moving on. However, I am realizing that the majority of my friends were friends I met through him. So now I am left with very few friends and that seems to be the hardest part of this breakup.
I have never had many female friends and have always been a bit of a tomboy. So I’m not sure how to approach other women. Where the heck can I meet some cool friends, male or female?
Signed,
I Don’t Want You, Just Your Friends
_____________________________
Dear Friendless,
Can’t you barter with your ex? You know, he gets to keep all those cool snow globes you collected together and you get just one of his friends?
No? Selfish boy. Well, he is going to miss those snow globes.
I must begin by complimenting you on your maturity. When I’ve broken up with a guy, I’ve had a month long mourning process where I eat my weight in Sweet Tarts, watch Meg Ryan movie marathons nonstop and sob into my Pinot Grigio. It’s pretty ugly. You are obviously a lot more emotionally mature than me and that will be a big advantage when it comes to making some friends.
As someone who once relocated all alone to Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends. The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether it’s kayaking, yoga, reading or belly dancing.
You are more apt to connect with people who share a passion with you. So join a club. And even if you’re not outgoing, make an effort to chat with people. Ask them lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves.
And what about your workplace? Are there any folks there who you could imagine starting a friendship with? If yes, ask them to do a power walk with you during lunch or grab a drink after work. Don’t make it a big time commitment in case perky Susie from accounting turns out to be a closet cat hoarder. Not that I don’t love cats. I do. Just not 36 of them.
Or try the site MeetUp as a way to connect with people in your area. Keep going out and meeting people until you click with one or two of them. You know, someone who enjoys the same stuff you do and laughs at all your jokes about your ex and his obsession with snow globes. I promise, your future pal is out there.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
4 Comments <-- Click to Comment
My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!
Hold on to your lattes, ladies, because we’ve got a guest Mouthy Housewife on deck today. Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama’s Blog is bringin’ the sass, the spunk, and the spumante! (I hope, anyway. What else am I going to do with all of this orange juice?) She makes me laugh on the regular with her no-holds-barred humor, and really knows how to pull off a mustache. So, without further ado, let’s hear what Miss Yvonne has to say about jerking off! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?
Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.
I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?
Signed,
Sexually Frustrated
__________________________________________
Dear Sexually Frustrated,
First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.
Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule. This is a good sign. This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it. He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing. This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.
I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you. But it isn’t about you. It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive. In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.
As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay. Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband). They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.
Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama! Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning. Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him. Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?). If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.
And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much. Works for me, every time.
Signed,
Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH
25 Comments <-- Click to Comment
A PTO Party: Good God, How Fun Does THAT Sound?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The PTO at my daughter’s (public) elementary school is throwing a big party next month to raise money. It sounds like it’ll be a good time with a band, food, etc., but they’re charging $150 PER TICKET. There are a lot of families who can probably afford this, but not mine. I think $300 is just ridiculous and I know that our PTO already has a surplus of money, so it just seems greedy.
The main problem is that I’m friends with a lot of the parents and teachers and they keep asking me if my husband I are going to the party. I don’t know if I should lie and say we’re out of town that night (and then hide that weekend) or tell the truth and risk embarassment. What do you think?
Signed,
No Party, Please
________________________
Dear No Party Please,
Your question is exactly why I regularly zoom past the pack of women outside Panera Bread and scream: “LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU PTO MUTHAF@#%ERS! I’VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES THAT I WILL NOT BE A LOWLY PUPPET IN YOUR EVIL REIGN OF TERROR! YOU DON’T OWN ME! NOBODY OWNS WENDI! NOOOOOO-BOOOODYYY!”
And then I wonder why I get stuck picking up the dirty Band-Aids after Track and Field day.
But it does sound like you have one of the worst kinds of PTOs: the kind that acts like they’re doing things for the kids when they’re really doing things for themselves. Why else would they feel the need to throw a party when they supposedly don’t need the money? If you ask me, it sounds like Miss Ginger Sue Tompkins got a bug in her bonnet and now she wants to throw a big ‘ol bash for all y’all glitzy gals! (Please, someone get me out of Texas. Why am I talkin’ like this, y’all?)
I do agree that $150 is a bit steep for a public school event and I’m sure you’re not the only person who can’t afford it. And if it were me, I would simply say, “We’re not going because it’s not in our budget.” However, I can understand if you’re not comfortable saying that, so maybe you could go with a basic, “I wish we could go, but we have another commitment that night.” That should suffice.
But if it doesn’t and people press you as to what commitment you have that night (which is entirely possible), you have two choices. One: mumble something about work or church or sports. Or two: look them straight in the eye and say “My coven is sacrificing a rabbit that night and I don’t want to miss drinking the blood!”
Actually, the coven party sounds kind of fun. I wonder if that’s in my budget?
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
34 Comments <-- Click to Comment
I Want a Big Wedding, He Wants To Deny Me Happiness
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m getting married! YAY!! And I’m actually excited about it. Double yay!! I have found my match in every way and I never thought I could ever be so lucky. I honestly didn’t see this happening for me. So. Happy.
The problem is this is not my first marriage. My first one started begrudgingly on my part and ended in drug addiction on his part. It was a horrible mess that I didn’t want to do in the first place. My fault. But we did have a nice, beautiful wedding with all the glitz, spectacle, and of course, gifts.
So now I feel conflicted. I don’t feel like I deserve another big party. True, this is 10 years after the first one and my social crowd is completely different, but I know that I’ve already had one wedding extravaganza. I feel guilty about having another. This is my fiancé’s first wedding but he wants the equivalent of a back yard barbecue for the reception. I feel that since I already had my party, he should get what he wants.
Am I wrong to feel disappointed?
Sincerely,
Finally Excited to Get Married
_____________________________________
Dear Getting Married,
Mmmm… barbecue…
I mean, Yay! Wedding! Congratulations on your engagement!
There’s no rule (that I endorse) that says that you get only one big wedding per lifetime. So if you want a big shinding, release the doves!
Oh, except your fiancé wants something more low key.
I see the problem.
We’ve all heard that it’s not the wedding but the marriage that’s important, but from where I’m sitting (in my chair) there’s no reason to plan a wedding that makes either of you unhappy.
(By the way, it is possible that in the whole history of man-woman weddings the only man who wanted a big wedding was the former Mr. Liza Minnelli. Most of the other men learned to compromise.)
And you and your honey can too. Talk to him. When you say that you want a wedding extravaganza, what do you mean? Do you want the locals to start craning for Joan Collins because they’re sure that Dynasty is filming a reunion show? Or would you be satisfied with embossed invitations with a side of calligraphy? Wear a fancy white dress? Sip Dom Perignon? Have a wedding registry?
Prioritize which of these (or others) are must have and which you are flexible on. And then discuss it with your fiancé.
He may want an intimate affair but not object to a gift registry. Or he may just really like barbecue. (Lord knows I do.) The point is, have a back and forth with him. A give and take. Getting into the practice of compromising may be the best wedding gift the two of you give yourselves.
Best wishes,
Marinka, TMH
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