High School Reunion Panic
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
How can I lose 20 pounds before my high school reunion?
Signed,
Beverly
_____________
Dear Beverly,
Class reunions, like high school itself, are never easy. You spend hours in front of the mirror getting ready, desperately hoping that everyone will finally recognize how happy, pretty and successful you really are, then boom, two seconds after you walk into the decorated gymnasium, an aging cheerleader asks if your dress is from Wal-Mart and a balding jock gives you an atomic wedgie and recklessly shoves you ass-first into a cold metal locker. Or maybe that’s just how the Jamestown High class of ’86 does it. (Go Bluejays!)
Anyway, if you want to lose weight before the big event, there are a couple of things you need to do ASAP. Number one: only eat food that ends in “occoli.” And number two: Crank up your VCR and start sweatin’ to the oldies, man! A few minutes spent staring at a glossy Richard Simmons in a tank top and Dolphin shorts, and not only will you immediately hurl up the contents of your stomach, you’ll also lose your appetite for upwards of 36 hours. Those pounds are just gonna MELT away!
Of course, you may also want to check out WeightWatchers, too. From what I hear, they have some amazing healthy eating/exercise plans that really work and don’t cost a lot. Or at least that’s what my neighbor Nancy says when she’s prancing around our neighborhood pool in a bikini that makes the rest of us wish we hadn’t spent the past few months sprawled on the couch eating butter straight from the tub.
So, good luck, Beverly. I wish you the best. And remember what I said: reunions are just like high school. Meaning, even if you’re not the skinniest bitch at the party, you can always be the sluttiest.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
7 Responses to “High School Reunion Panic”
Comment by jen.
Hm. No mention of *when* the reunion is. If you have 19 years, go ahead and eat the butter straight from the tub. If it’s next week, go invest in Spanx and some olive oil as lube.
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Comment by admin.
I still having gained back the weight after watching a Richard Simmons video
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Comment by queenbee.
As my sis-in-law said after her class reunion (weighing a good 50lbs heavier than her high school days):
take solace in knowing that all the girls who are only 30lbs heavier will crowd around you so they can feel good about themselves.
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Comment by Lizzie.
queenbee’s advice is hilarious!
i say show up driving a sweet convertible, with a rented chip and dales dancer on your arm giving them all the finger 
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Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.
I’m SO glad I’m not the only one who “wasn’t the skinniest” in high school. *wink*
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