Lord Help the Mister Who Comes Between Me and My Sister
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend is a very private person. I am not. I have become more so at his urging, but there’s one area that he cannot seem to understand: my relationship with my sister. We are best friends and we share everything with each other. I trust her advice and often times follow it.
The other day, my boyfriend and I got into a stupid fight and I ended up calling my sister to talk to her about it. When he found out, he got upset and said that when I tell my sister things about us, it makes it awkward for him to be around her.
He really wants me to not talk to her about things that happen between us because he wants us to have our privacy. I understand that, and I don’t tell her everything, but I really don’t want to not talk to her about some of the bigger things that happen between us. I don’t know if I can stop confiding in her to make him comfortable when I am the kind of person that needs to talk to others about my issues. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Sisterly Devotion
______________________________________________________
Dear Sisterly,
Okay, imagine you and your boyfriend are at a sports bar hanging out with some of his best friends. You’re all laughing and having a good time, maybe chewing on some hot wings, when Jimmy, the guy next to you who you barely know, leans over and asks, “So. Your yeast infection clear up yet, babe? I heard it was a particularly nasty one this time. Like, real itchy and shit. You rub some Massengill on it?”
Uh-huh, that’s what we in the internet advice business call “putting the shoe on the other foot.” Or maybe it’s “walking a mile in another girl’s Havaianas.” I can’t ever keep them straight. Anyway, the point is, how would you like it if you couldn’t control what other people know about your personal bidness?
Because as close as you are to your sister, there’s no way you and your boyfriend will ever truly reach intimacy if you continue to breach the privacy of your relationship by bringing others into it. He’s always going to feel like there’s a third person in the room with you and, if you ask me, that’s really not fair. After all, if he wanted to date sisters, he’d buy a smoking jacket, move into the Playboy mansion and change his name to “Hef, Jr.” And then you’d only get to see him when they close down the grotto for crab fumigation.
Now, if you feel you really must discuss things with someone, my advice is to start writing in a journal. Or find a therapist. Or take long walks and work it out by yourself. Or, here’s a thought, talk about the issues with your boyfriend with your boyfriend. Because unless you keep your business between the two of you, you’re never going to solidify as a couple.
Then your only choice will be to put on a lacy blouse, buy a tub of arsenic and spend your golden years poisoning men in your basement with your precious sister.
“We’re insane!”
And that probably wouldn’t be quite as much fun as it sounds.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
8 Responses to “Lord Help the Mister Who Comes Between Me and My Sister”
Comment by Desperate Dietwives.
This is really great advice, I particularly like the “Journal” one.
You might call it “letters to my sister” and phrase it as if it was a long letter to your sister.
This way you put things exactly how you would tell them to your sister, only she doesn’t get to know.
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Comment by The Good Cook.
Good Advice – the only two people in a relationship should be “the only two people in the relationship”..
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Comment by tt.
i don’t agree. tell your sister whatever you want. if i didn’t have my sister to talk to about my marriage issues…i would have been divorced by now! she is my FREE therapist. and i know she will be honest with me and tell me her opinion even if it is that she thinks I’m the one in the wrong. None of this “and how does that make you feel” crap that you would have to pay a $50 copay for. it sounds like you and your sister have the type of relationship that she can handle those discussions and still not treat your boyfriend any differently or let on to him that she knows you guys had a fight over the weekend. just make sure she knows you are confiding in her to keep it between the two of you.
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Comment by thepsychobabble.
There IS a flip side to this. Abusive people will (really) often seek to isolate their partner from family and friends, and this is sometimes one of the tactics they use. “Our relationship is special, and private.” and “They don’t understand how it works between us.”
I’m NOT saying that this is what’s happening here, because I don’t think we could tell that from this e-mail, but before you stop talking to your sister about your relationship, I’d step back and think really hard, “Am I really divulging too much during our sisterly talks? Or is something not kosher here, and he’s afraid she’ll see that?”
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Comment by Karen at French Skinny.
Good thing my Hubby knows I’m a blabbermouth. I not only tell my sister and brother everything, I occasionally tell HIS sister….stuff. Of course, I also have to consult my girlfriends and 357 of my closest friends on Facebook before I make up my mind regarding the plate of crumbs that ALWAYS ends up half way to the kitchen in the morning. Is it annoying? Or is it a cute little quirk of his? So, you know, what do I know?
It’s good for him to be accountable to someone.
Just don’t abuse it. You also have to talk to her about how awesome he is.
Unless he’s not. In that case, dump his ass.
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Comment by Kaitlin.
My boyfriend tells his family everything about me/our relationship. I’m glad they can talk to each other about stuff but when it crosses over into the forbidden territory that is our sex life and my health, I get upset. I don’t need them knowing all the details of my period or that I have a yeast infection. I like having certain boundaries and I do make sure he knows when he’s gone too far. His family, unfortunately, does treat me differently after he’s spilled the beans on stuff. People wonder why I’m so quiet around them- I’m just afraid everyone in the extended family will hear about anything I say!
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Comment by cathy.
aren’t havianas the bomb? i have like 10 pair and wear them til it snows!
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admin Reply:
June 15th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Ooooh, that’s a GREAT point.
–Wendi
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