Mommy War: What Is It Good For?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a stay-at-home mom and happy to be one. Most of the other mothers of the kids in my daughter’s third grade classroom work full-time, and a couple of them recently told me that I should be the class’s “Room Mom” because I have so much time on my hands. I really, really don’t want to be the Room Mom, and I actually have a very busy schedule. What do I tell them?
Signed,
SAHM, Not Room Mom
___________________
Dear SAHM,
In this corner, wearing pink velour sweatpants and weighing in at 130 pounds, give or take 10 pounds, is The Stay at Home Mom! And in this corner, wearing a chic business suit with spit-up stains on the hem and a to-do list that’d make your hair curl is The Working Mom! Let’s get ready to RUUU–MMMBLLLLE!
Or better yet, let’s just have a glass of wine and say we did.
If you ask me, this whole supposed “Mommy Wars” thing between women who work and women who don’t work is complete bullshit. Being a mother is hard work, no matter where you spend the majority of your time. We’re all just doing our best for ourselves and our families and therefore, we should support each other as much as possible.
At least until someone tries to guilt you into becoming Room Mom that is. Then the gloves can come off and you have carte blanche to do or say anything you can to weasel out of the job. Tell them you’re a convicted felon. Or a kleptomaniac. Or an amateur pole dancer who has to work nights and therefore can’t be trusted to bake holiday cupcakes. My friend Mindy even pretended her pimp was calling her on her cell phone one time just so she could get out of decorating the classroom door. (Unfortunately, nobody believed that someone would have a pimp named “Ethan” and so she had to spend the next two hours with a glue gun in her hand.)
But since nobody really knows how busy anyone else is, or has a say in what they choose to do with their time, you are under no obligation to do something you don’t want to do. (And under no obligation to feel guilty about it, either.) Simply tell the working moms that while you’d love to be Room Mom, your schedule just doesn’t allow for it. And leave it at that.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
17 Responses to “Mommy War: What Is It Good For?”
Comment by christy.
Great advice Wendi. But my comment is totally lame after Marinka’s pearl – oh well! haha!
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Comment by hokgardner.
Good answer! Of course, I just agreed to be co-room mom for my daughter’s first grade class. Sigh.
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Comment by Mary.
I agree – the Mommy Wars are bullshit.
Why do women feel the need to put other women down? I don’t know – but it’s annoying. And quit telling me how busy you are! (You universal, not you, Wendi.) You are no busier than anyone else on the face of the planet! (Except for maybe Paris Hilton. Did you hear a few weeks ago when her publicist said she’s probably “the busiest person on the face of the planet”? Barf. Man, I ramble.)
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Comment by Akilah Sakai.
Tell them “no thanks” and that you have some new out-of-home projects you will be working on with a friend of yours that will take most of your free time.
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Comment by Heather.
I would rather stick a fork in my eye than play “room mom”. The fact of the matter is, while I don’t work outside the home, I have no desire to spend boatloads of time with a class of other peoples children. Which is why I am NOT a teacher. When my tykes were in elementary, I did volunteer one day a week, and I spent a good deal of time helping in their classrooms. Grading papers and creating bulletin boards was something I could do, planning parties and heading committees…not so much. Spending a day on a field trip was fine, but the thought of planning holiday bingo gives me a rash. While stay at home moms have schedules that may be a little bit more flexible, it does not mean that we have the DESIRE to play coach to a class of kids antics. I think it’s a matter of not only doing what you can, but also what you want. There is no shame in NOT wanting to be a “room mom”. I think it’s a good idea for women to consider each others situations, assume nothing, and stop beating each other senseless with diaper bags and briefcases.
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Comment by Aludra.
Just say “I dont want to be room mom. I only barely tolerate my own children and I don’t get the whole ‘spare the rod spoil the child’ phase society is in”
The other moms will be afraid of what you might do to their children leaving you off the hook and thoroughly amused. 
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Comment by Amber in Albuquerque.
All of this begs the question…When exactly did this “room mom” crap become so freakin’ mandatory anyway??? I remember moms volunteering when I was in elementary school (as described by Heather), but nothing was ‘required’. This is just one more way “they” are upping the ante on all of us (stay at home, part time, and full time working moms). Just say a guilt-free “no thanks” to more unpaid work and donate your time when and as you see fit.
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Comment by the mama bird diaries.
Ask how much it pays. And then tell them that you already have one full time job that pays nothing, so economically, it just doesn’t make sense.
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Comment by marathonmom.
Just call them all day long and ask to speak with Edwin Cox. Eventually, they will stop asking you pretty much anything.
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Comment by Katie.
Heather said :
“I would rather stick a fork in my eye than play “room mom”.”
Oh man, what I would PAY to see you argue that one out with yourself….and then see what decision you came up with. Tee-hee….
Honestly, I liked Aludra’s idea. Sounds like something I’d do. 
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Comment by mom, again.
MamaBird: that is the PERFECT answer. I must remember that for in a few years.
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Comment by juliet.
Mama Bird and Aludra, I concur! We should be comfortable just saying “hell, no, if I wanted to spend my days with a child I’d keep mine at home. The fuck kinda suggestion is that?”. I try to save my lies for really important stuff. I wouldn’t waste one on some presumptuous Alpha.
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Comment by Meredith.
I can honestly say that, as a working mom, I would never suggest that a Mom who works in her home should spend her time being Room Mom. Why is that her responsibility and not mine?
I think we ALL need to find ways to pitch in in the classroom, in whatever way we can, even if it’s small. If we band together as moms we can get it all done without loading the largest chores on one or two people.
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Comment by Momof4Luds.
I’m with you, Heather! I did one year of “co-op” pre-school when mine were tiny (each mom took a turn every couple of weeks) and knew that if I had to push a kid in a swing for one more second I’d be hanging myself in the chains. And planning art projects?!?!?!? However, I’ll bake cupcakes all day long. Sign me up for that.
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Comment by Marinka.
and besides those grapes aren’t going to peel themselves, you know?
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